Doctor appt. on Wed
It's hard to believe that five weeks have gone by so quickly. We see Steve's doctor on Wed and Steve will go back on Sutent or whatever the doctor decides. We know that the chemo is not causing the pain. Steve has done pretty good the past few days. No pain pills at all. He has slept well and eaten well. So I am very thankful.
We have talked about personal issues over the past year or so. We have made every effort to get ourselves completely out of debt and I am so proud to say that we have done that. He has made sure that I will be taken care of, and I am very thankful to him for that. I will admit I have cried more lately than I have in a long time. We discuss what we want for our final arrangements. At breakfast the other day he told me that he feared what he may have to go through at the end. I promised him that I would try my very best to care for him. And with hospice I believe that they do not let you suffer. At least it was that way with my brother. When we talk I tell him what I want for myself also, so that we are not talking just about him. We have picked out hymns, scripture that is special to us and even discussed picking out a stone for our burial site at church. I know this might sound morbid to some of you (remember we have been fighting for a long time) but it is something that has to be done. We have each others power of attorney. Our wishes are placed in the big family Bible and the children know it is there.
I used to work with an older man and he would ask me often "do you have your ticket? meaning was I saved and ready to meet our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? I would always tell him that I did. Well sitting here tonight I am glad to say that YES I do have my ticket. Whether it is Steve or myself we are ready to meet our maker. ( most of you have heard the old joke that we are ready but don't want to go on the first bus load) LOL
Life is good right now for us, the cancer is an awful thing to have but our future is secure with Jesus.
Praying for all of you,
Wanda
We have talked about personal issues over the past year or so. We have made every effort to get ourselves completely out of debt and I am so proud to say that we have done that. He has made sure that I will be taken care of, and I am very thankful to him for that. I will admit I have cried more lately than I have in a long time. We discuss what we want for our final arrangements. At breakfast the other day he told me that he feared what he may have to go through at the end. I promised him that I would try my very best to care for him. And with hospice I believe that they do not let you suffer. At least it was that way with my brother. When we talk I tell him what I want for myself also, so that we are not talking just about him. We have picked out hymns, scripture that is special to us and even discussed picking out a stone for our burial site at church. I know this might sound morbid to some of you (remember we have been fighting for a long time) but it is something that has to be done. We have each others power of attorney. Our wishes are placed in the big family Bible and the children know it is there.
I used to work with an older man and he would ask me often "do you have your ticket? meaning was I saved and ready to meet our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? I would always tell him that I did. Well sitting here tonight I am glad to say that YES I do have my ticket. Whether it is Steve or myself we are ready to meet our maker. ( most of you have heard the old joke that we are ready but don't want to go on the first bus load) LOL
Life is good right now for us, the cancer is an awful thing to have but our future is secure with Jesus.
Praying for all of you,
Wanda
Replies
Dearest Wanda, Your journal is so lovely and inspiring. You know that it is so hard to talk with our loved ones about what arrangements they want...I never, never could with my M...but, near the end, he thankfully was able to tell me \"give my ashes to my brother\"...That\'s all he said, but I knew enough. He wanted to be buried in his homeland. You and Steve are so very brave to do this. Trust me when I say that when such a day should sadle ever come for either of you, the surviving spouse, you or Steve, will feel great peace from knowing each other\'s wishes. I am very relieved to hear that Steve\'s pain has eased. I hope that the worst of that is over and that Sutent or whatever future drugs he may try will have as long of a success for him as the Sutent has had in the past. I really hope someone I know in my life time can beat this disease....I think M would be very happy to know this could happen to someone soon. Take care my friend...Love, Linda
I echo Linda dear Wanda. D and I haven\'t done this. I just can\'t bring it up, and wish I could, but I feel it must be D\'s choice to do so. I can sense the great peace of mind that knowing what Steve wants brings you. But, lets hope you don\'t need to do anything with that information for a very very long time. Hoping very much that the visit with the doc on Wed is very encouraging.
All my love, and many thanks for your messages lovely Wanda,
Meriel
Dear Wanda, as usual your post is inspiring. We discuss a lot of things but I always end up emotional and find it hard to carry on talking about it but we are gradually sorting arrangements out. It is so hard. I am sure you and Steve have a lot more time left together and I will pray for that. My prayers are always with you. Your friend Nita xxx
Wanda.
What a lovely post. bittersweet as it is, what a GIFT to have for the sad occasion that could happen, but FINGERS CROSSED it is a LONG way off. Greg and I really didin\'t get to talking about some of things you two did, and what you did for each other in talking about it, IS LOVE at it\'s finest.
You both have your ticket as you said now, and the lovely people that you are? You will have first class accomidations for the trip. You won\'t be on the \'bus\" you will FLY!!!
MANY MORE YEARS before that happens to know just how lucky you are to have talked about it, and KNOW what will be done in the just in case scenarios! A true GIFT, as you already are to each toher and to all of us!!!
So glad for painfree days son far and hoping for more of them!
HUGS to you and enjoy this time knowing what will be WILL BE DONE YOUR WAY!! Love Diane
My Sweet Wanda,
Thank you for sharing this beautiful journal with us. Ray and I have also discussed all the business aspects and the personal ones. No...it wasn\'t easy, but has given me great comfort in knowing what his wishes are and that I will be financially okay. What greater love could our husbands show us?! You and I are very blessed.
Waiting for that appointment on Wednesday will be quite stressful. We all relate to that, Hon. I, too, will be praying that the doctor will come up with the perfect drug for Steve. Remember...he is very fortunate to be able to take any of them.
The relief in pain has to be wonderful for y\'all. I pray that will continue also.
Here\'s to many more years of love and happiness.
I love you,
Ingrid
Dear Wanda,
One of the things I regret is not having had that conversation,,,,,,,but as Meriel said, it is something that the afflicted one should bring up as it is so delicate a subject to approach. We had vague conversations - and our finances and wills were definitely in order, but we never did get too spiritual. As my psychologist told me, I am blaming myself for contradictory things - there is no way that you can instill a positive and hopeful outlook and remain upbeat, while at the same time saying goodbye. As I said, we were prepared in some ways, but not all ways. When the realization came that the discussion had to take place, I picked a day and a supportive partner to be with us, and suddenly - just 3 days before that day, he kind of disappeared from communication reach. My only consolation is the belief that during our lives together, we expressed our feelings well. I think.
Not to worry about the end days, hospice does not allow human suffering.
With all the good luck you guys have been having, that day may be far off, or maybe never.
XO gloria
Wanda,
Buddy and I went to counseling once we knew he was removed from the transplant list. He helped us talk about the things that need to be talked about when you know someone is terminal. Buddy was wonderful stepping up and making an appointment for us to have our wills done, signing a DNR and discussing that fact that he wanted to be cremated and leaving me a list of all the places to scatter some of his ashes with the reminder buried in NH where my Dad and Sister are. He set up and appointment to have an alarm system installed in the house and he made an appointment with the funeral home only he was to sick to go so I went and when I got home we went over what he wanted the Obits to say. It was very difficult for me but in the end I was thankful we had done all of this and it wasn\'t all left on my shoulders and I feel that I was able to make Buddy\'s wishes come true. He was a wonderful man always thinking of others. He last wish was to die at home with me by his side and that is exactly what happen. With the help of Hospice (which I can\'t say enough good about) they made the end painless and peaceful as it could be. I was administrating his morphine and Haldol with an eyedropper as required and he slipped off to peace and at that moment even though it was the saddest moment in my life it was also a bittersweet moment because he was finally not in pain. He had put up the fight like the soldier he was and I will always be proud of him and how he handle his death. I only hope I can be as gracious...Love and Hugs, Ellen
Dearest Wanda, you are truly a marvel. The grace and courage you show daily is spectacular. The courage you and Steve have to face and deal with the plans for the future. I never had that with Frank as he went so quickly. I think it is so important to take care of the details and paperwork. You two are such a team. I am glad that you have that ticket, I am still working on it. I wish you two peace and a lovely spring. Hugs. Jane
Dear Wanda, Good luck on Wed. for the results! No it is not morbid to talk about things like funeral arrangements. I used to think so in the beginning what people I work with would think that but I think everyone should kindof have a plan just in case. We don\'t know when our time will come. It was very hard in the beginning and I told Brian to write it down so I didn\'t have to hear it. It has come easier in time. I am almost to the point to have plans ready for the funeral like casket, etc. Only because I know when the time is here I will be in a good state of mind. Plus as the time gets nearer Brian can tell me what things he wants while his mind is clear.
Love you!
Dear Wanda,
you are not at all morbid, doing these kind of arrangememts are so very important to get them done and out of the way.. You and Steve have a beautiful relationship, he wants to be sure when the time comes you will be ok financially, his caring for you is wonderful.. Tim and i had the same conversation about suffering and i promise him i would never let him suffer and with the help of hospice when that time comes i truly beleive he will not have to suffer..
Thank you for writing such a beautiful journal, more of us should be talking about the same thing, but it is a subject that is so hard for one person to bring up if the other isn\'t ready.. I am very fortunate to have gotton Tim\'s funeral arrangements taken care of soon after his d/x in 2008, i never wanted to wait till the last minute, that has to be a very hard thing to do after the fact.. There are still many things that need to be done but only until Tim is ready to talk about this.. I can not push him, he is the one to feel comfortable to talk about it..
I\'m sorry this is so late getting to you, i hope Steve\'s appt went well, thinking of you always..
Love,
Becca
This is why I love this site and the people on it. You have become like family and quite frankly some of the things I say on this site I can not say to some family members!
Love you all!
Wanda
Wanda, you have as always touched my heart as you have many others. That is your purpose here, whether you realize it or not, you are paying it foward by being who your are.. many continued prayers for you and Steve, lub and hugs from Texas, Annette
You are not being morbid, dear Wanda. My husband and I have been having the same talk this week. No doubt it is easier for us to discuss it less emotionally but we are really aware that life can change in an instant.
I wish you and Steve many more happy years together
Much love, sweet Wanda.
Wanda,
I remember when Bobby had a doc brave enough to tell me he had two months to live; however, he left it up to me to tell him that part. All he told him was go home, love your wife & love your kids some other stuff. I had to get the affairs in line. Having the conversations with him he kinda gave me the deer in the headlight look. You don\'t really know how short 2 months is until you get it, 60 Days, count the hours if you want...I remember asking about cremation which he was against and telling him I would see he got there (which as of yet I havent). Im not ready. And in hospice, we took another walk and seriously explaining to him he was about to die. No one else would. Still I dont know how or still get any of this but affairs got done. We married after 11 years before he died in 16 days. I didnt think hed last the 3 day waiting period.
I am glad I brought him home from hospice he was more full of life. We were able to sort things more. Wanda, you have been journaling for some time. Last night I was wonding if I could do anything differnt what would I do and I wanna share it now with you...I would have taken my last dime bought a brand new video camera and taped a bunch of video of him and me being together in his last 2 months. I would have been a little sadder or a little happier just seeing him & asked him things I needed to do after he was gone. And if he said no, I would have hid it. How do I change this, how do I change that. WHat do I say...I love you so much, please dont go away...Do you remember when...Stuff like that...
Love
Christi
Thank you Christi, I will see about getting a more up to date video camera. Thanks for your advice.
Love you,
Wanda