do you ever get lost in the day?
I guess I know the answer is yes...but I think I just want to record my frustration and maybe progression as well towards dealing with my day (s).
I know this sounds maybe a little wacky - but yeah so...I had a good day at work and came home - had my lunch, got changed, made my bed and looked at emails, FB, DS ...I went for a walk and then came home and kind of got lost after that... I took a nap which for some reason was really needed. I got up and watered my plants, two indoor and one on the patio. Prepared my meds for the night - and then washed and am set now to watch the news soon.
The day wasn't so inactive but I feel a hunger inside for something more. Maybe we will all sometimes feel a sense of that.
I felt lost and subdued after watering the plants. My world felt small and finite...hard to see beyond my eyeballs.
I am trying to be intellectually brave enough to think about how to assert my agenda I go to such a place of like zen and like the world is so big and maybe undiverse- my main way in entertaining myself or 'treating myself' has been to go to the market and buy some treats - whether that's roasted nuts or like a bottle of adult beverage. I have tried to not spend too much and so I've been pretty strict about costs - That's been how I have been self responsible about that. And it's worked - but I haven't allowed for much imagination or been able to imagine what else I might do...until now desire is making me change.
When i was on my own and very sick, the way I would entertain myself was to find a design project in the house and add to it.
It was not a wise use of my resources....
Now I guess I am aware of my limits -
I want to make my life about getting involved with other peoples' lives - I have been solitary enough - Maybe I could find a cause - a charity or a protest.
It's that when I have thought about entertaining myself - it has been so much just about me in a real linear way - rather than
sharing with someone or exchanging ideas - - maybe I could get involved with a group of friends.
My first impulse was to start going for walks around the city like I used to, when I was sick, or buying some design or art element. Maybe I could still do some of that - but I kind of sense there's more to life than that for me. A different dynamic.
I don't why I have to write about this. I don't even know if it makes sense. I want to produce something about what I've been thinking about. I wish I could talk to someone in person about this. I guess there's a little pride about discovering the nuanced and dimensional quality that I am realizing in life.
Ah well. It's just a journal entry.
Replies
Do you want to do something with people? Meetups are a great way to meet people and do things that you all like. Or you could volunteer at a food shelf or help at a soup kitchen.
It's good that you think about such things. Eventually you will find something to do that makes you feel good. Have a great weekend, Mark.
The human condition itself is very hard. You don't walk alone with these feelings Mark. And I think they come in cycles. You sound so much more aware than you were in the past?
Identifying clearly what we need/want is actually a hard process. Especially when moods are prone to change, or stress and anxiety overwhelm us.
I feel you are doing the best you can right now Mark. Pat yourself on the back for that. I too feel that lack of being fulfilled. Not reaching my potential.
That you volunteer is awesome. If you have the emotional space, dip your toe in other things, see how they feel. Hopefully you'll find something really rewarding. It won't necessarily happen straight away, we have to plug away sometimes. Find that balance, what works for us. Time, and patience.
Keep at it Mark, I think you are doing really well x
Thanks very much becky and ruby!!