Do You?
i would like to know if I am the only one who always has my son I lost on my mind...No matter what I am doing, or going or coming...always in my thoughts is my son Ken...
Is this normal...? I feel I will never feel true happiness again...It seems sadness is always felt right behind my eyes..
I have been told this weekend by two different friends two different things..
One that they think that I am more withdrawn...I am sure they are talking about since Ken passed away...
One says I seem to be more irritable..Geez I am thinking with what I have had going on in my life lately and the pain I have..I think they should be happy that I smile around them and talk..
I was thinking about three months ago, one of my above friends ex-sister-n-law lost her son...she called me all upset...crying...saying how upset her boys were...the thing that I noticed is that she only stayed upset maybe three weeks...then her life went back to normal..after all it was not her child...
I want to say these things to my friends...I want to say..don't you understand that I lost my son and it is nothing that I can just push away after a few weeks and just stop feeling the pain...but I don't
I just keep on..thinking I am doing the best I can..yet my thoughts are on Ken..maybe not always out on the surface...but always there..just wishing..yet knowing..it will not change...
Do you wonder how others view you? Do you think of your child everyday somewhere in your mind...maybe some days more out front and sometimes in the back of the mind but just always there...
It would be sorta nice if other's understood...but they can't as this is a pain, a feeling, a loss that only we who are going through it can feel...
I always wonder if I will ever feel real happiness..I don't know because my heart, my mind, my everything still just misses Ken so much...How can that ever change...I can not ever forget my son who left this world way way too soon...
Do You....Wonder as I do...how can it ever change....Yet life around me just keeps on going...Me, I am still missing..my son!!!!
Sandi
Is this normal...? I feel I will never feel true happiness again...It seems sadness is always felt right behind my eyes..
I have been told this weekend by two different friends two different things..
One that they think that I am more withdrawn...I am sure they are talking about since Ken passed away...
One says I seem to be more irritable..Geez I am thinking with what I have had going on in my life lately and the pain I have..I think they should be happy that I smile around them and talk..
I was thinking about three months ago, one of my above friends ex-sister-n-law lost her son...she called me all upset...crying...saying how upset her boys were...the thing that I noticed is that she only stayed upset maybe three weeks...then her life went back to normal..after all it was not her child...
I want to say these things to my friends...I want to say..don't you understand that I lost my son and it is nothing that I can just push away after a few weeks and just stop feeling the pain...but I don't
I just keep on..thinking I am doing the best I can..yet my thoughts are on Ken..maybe not always out on the surface...but always there..just wishing..yet knowing..it will not change...
Do you wonder how others view you? Do you think of your child everyday somewhere in your mind...maybe some days more out front and sometimes in the back of the mind but just always there...
It would be sorta nice if other's understood...but they can't as this is a pain, a feeling, a loss that only we who are going through it can feel...
I always wonder if I will ever feel real happiness..I don't know because my heart, my mind, my everything still just misses Ken so much...How can that ever change...I can not ever forget my son who left this world way way too soon...
Do You....Wonder as I do...how can it ever change....Yet life around me just keeps on going...Me, I am still missing..my son!!!!
Sandi
Replies
I think it\'s impossible for a Mom not to have her lost child at least somewhere in the back of her mind and heart 24/7 ~ it\'s like the parable of the lost sheep. The shepherd leaves the 99 others in the flock to find the one lost sheep and bring him safely home ~ just so our broken hearts are constantly seeking anything that will tell us for absolutely certain that our children are safe, though we cannot see them.
And, sadly, no, I don\'t think anyone who has not lost a child can understand, except in theory. I know that I used to be one of those people who would say the words \"a mother losing her child is the worst thing that could ever happen\" but I didn\'t really understand the depth of what I was saying. Even after we lost Corrie, for the first month or so, I kept thinking \"I\'m going to be very very sad for awhile and then everything will be normal.\" Pardon me while I roll my eyes now!
I think it\'s too much to expect our friends who haven\'t experienced this loss to really understand and \"get it\", though I have found that I have a hand full of friends who somehow have a depth of compassion and patience with my sadness that never ceases to amaze and fill me with gratitude.
Yes, I think most or all bereaved Moms carry their precious children in their hearts every microsecond of every day ~ how could we not?
Sending much love and the tightest of hugs ~ Debbie
Oh, Sandi, it has still been so soon....I has been 5 years for me, and I stayed in grief way too long...But, when I finally asked the Lord the heal my grieved heart, He started to....now I can honestly say , I know the Lord is with me with this, and I cannot tell you the healing...ask Him...He will do it! He loves you and your son (your son is in His arms, as is Matt)...love , Patti (Matt\'s Mom)
Oh Sandi I know exactly how you are feeling! there is not not a day goes by that I don\'t think of my son I miss him with every fiber of my being he was and will always be my baby.. No one can ever understand what we are going through.I lost a piece of my heart the day he died. I will never be the same again.
Like you said life keeps going we will always miss our Sons!
(((Hugs))) Doris
We do carry our children with us always. And I don\'t think I want it any other way now. If others find you have changed and are more serious, well so be it. You are right, they don\'t understand.
I wouldn\'t take those comments to heart. If an answer is needed, I would say \"I am not the same person since Lisa died. Yes I can function, travel, laugh at a joke, but I will always have sadness in my broken heart.\"
Those who haven\'t experienced our loss just cannot understand. I have an acquaintance who lost her son several years ago in an MVA. She called and said that people will say they know how I feel but she really does.
So I just try to ignore the insensitive remarks - they are not meant maliciously. In fact often they are concerned for us.
Take care of yourself. I hope all is going well with your mom.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Oh my Sandi, I am right with you and I am sure so many of our Moms will agree, My Bill is there in so many ways everyday. I will never be the same and the joyfullness I used to have has returned in little pieces but it is so easy to slip back into the haze and the thoughts and the whys and all the pain we have lived through. Allow yourself to feel as you need to and be kind to your friends as they have not experienced what we have and do not know what we are feeling and for that we are glad. Everyone who says to me they cannot imagine, I tell them no yoiu can\'t ever imagine how painful and horrible losing your child is. I wish you so much peace and comfort and may you have many sweet memories and joys in your life. Much love Lynette
I always have my son on my mind - all the if onlys and I should haves - and of course I am not the same person as I once was. It never goes away.....every night I lie there and wonder what I could have done better. As Marlene said, I don\'t think people mean to hurt - they just don\'t know, and how can they? Take care of yourself ~ Joanna
Well Sandy, It is about 3 1/2 years now an it seems like last week. I NEVER stop thinking about my only baby, my friend. I think that along my medications are part of the reason that i have no short term memory and why I can not finish a sentence. I start talking about one thing then all of a sudden I am yapping about something else, completely lost. I could never forget my son and my mind will not let it go. I go around the pain rather than going through it and until I actually go through it, I won\'t get much better, per my counselor. I am afraid to go through the pain and the anger and I probably never will....so I do not expect to get a lot better. I have to start excercising - even just a little cuz I have put on at least 40lbs from my medications and that doesn\'t help the self esteem issues now. I agree with others NO one truly understands my loss or your loss or anyone else\'s. I hope you understand we all stand in the same but somewhat different position so this is why we have this group to talk to and rely on. Don\'t keep beating yourself up....you are a good person and we all understand more than you know. {{{{HUGS}}}} Mary
of course it is normal! or else Im really warped. ha I too miss my son daily, he was 35 and my firstborn, I also have a dsughter. here is no right or wrong way to deal with grief, thats just my belief. we eaach deal differently and in our own way and time. dont be hard on yourself, we are all in the same boat and do feel your pain! sending hugs
I don\'t know what is normal anymore. Next month it will be 2 years since I lost my Cindy & somtimes it feels like yesterday! She is always on my mind. I seem to have this sadness all the time. But--- there is no time frame on grieving we all gieve at our own pace. I wish I could say it will get better but I don\'t know either. Hang in there, Susan
Sandi, I have my son on my mind always. He is my first thought when I wake up in the morning and my last as I close my eyes at night. It has been 3 1/2 years and yes I am better but I still hurt and I don\'t think the emptiness I feel will ever be gone. Part of me died that day also. But I am able to feel happiness at other things in life. I continue to pray for healing and I do feel those prayers have been answered but again......that empty spot will always be. Others just can\'t possibly understand if they have not experienced this type of loss. Losing your child is so different than any other grief. Sometimes I do wonder if others think I have moved on because I can laugh now, and smile when I am around others, but do they know what really is going on behind the mask? Probably not. I understand....and am with you on this. But since we can\'t change things, we just have to pray for acceptance. Love & Hugs to you.....Kim
Dandi
Just take baby steps at your own pace. We carry our children in our hearts and tht will never change for parents. We learn to find a life without them, but they are always in our hearts, thoughts and memories.
I can remember telling myself I wish my friends could truly understand what I was going through, but I realized I would not want them to truly understand. That would mean they would be going through this, also. Unless you have lost a child there is no possible way you can feel the pain of a parent who has!! Give yourself time. Take care. Love, Dawn
Sandy,
It took me over 2 years to start feeling like I may be ok. Little by little I noticed I did not think of my son when I woke up , not everything reminded me of my son. At first I felt like a terrible mom for not thinking of my precious son until I realized my son wants me to live life. I am now over 5 years and I think of my son often through the day and I no longer feel guilty for my smile and laugh. Hugs, Inga
Sandi, those first two years are very rough. For myself, I have found this third year to be much gentler. I have come to acceptance of my sons death, whatever that is. I hope this proves true for you. Hugs, Belinda
...the loss of your beloved son will never be far from your mind, hopefully your intense pain can lessen over time and your totally changed life can have a recognizeable shape....but all this is long and always painful and hard.....sending hugs and a prayer for comfort....
Hi Sandi, it has been 2 years since Ed went to Heaven and I think of him every waking moment. I did ask the Lord to heal me from the trauma of this sudden loss and I believe He is but I still miss Ed every day and I know I am changed forever. But I do feel some happiness at times...I also believe that unless one has lost a child they cannot judge us or truly understand. I wish no one would ever have to feel this pain. Love to you and Ken, Linda