Do I want total sobriety?

  I read a comment to one of my journal entries the other day and the person said, "I want what you have!" meaning total sobriety.  And although I know it's good for me and it's for the best, it's not what I actually want.  I don't want to be a tea totaler!!  How boring!!  And that makes me just a few steps away from the chokingly strict  religion in which I was raised...F THAT!!!    What's wrong with smoking a joint every now and then?  Or having a drink every now and then?  The cigarettes I understand...you really get nothing out of them, other than crap in your lungs (which I am coughing out, little by little after 1 week of abstinence) and a seriously increased potential for lung cancer and emphysema.    The thing is...I KNOW that with alcohol, I may do OK for a week, or month, but odds are GREATLY stacked against me that I will end up right back where I was, and probably worse.    With marijuana, I feel as if I have abandoned a long time lover.  MJ was a major part of my life for the better part of 26 years....and I'm not even 40 yet.  I am quit now, because it's not available to me.  No where as easy to obtain as in my home town, and I don't have the money to buy it, not that I would want to, as the quality would be crap compared to what I was raised on.  I KNOW that if I was flying home tomorrow, I'd be high within a hour of getting off the plane.    So where does that leave me??????