DO I dare....
Part of me doesn't want to change my mood to "excellent", keeping it happy is good for me right now. 4/7 placed my last bet, slowly creeping up on that one month mark, the mark that for some reason I can get to, but have not in the past been able to hold onto. I'm aware of it, I see it, I feel it, and I want it. I realize, I need to stay aware, I need to be alert, I need to be honest, I can bullshit lots of people, but I can't continue to bullshit myself, otherwise, I know what will happen, I will convince myself its okay to go gamble, just for a bit, I will convince myself that I can control myself, I will romance the idea, until I go, and there is no looking back, I won't call anyone, I won't turn around, I will go straight there, and there will be no looking back. I wonder, when I think about the times I went before, what triggered my head to think, its okay to go, ohhhh yeah, its the addiction. I pray, and I am not being a geek, but I pray, to myself, that I have the strength to fight the head from getting in the car and telling myself I can go and gamble. Its a powerful pull, its overwhelmingly powerful, it makes me into someone I am not, not really. I become a different, fake, wannabe, gambler, I go into a trance like place, that only other gamblers can understand. Scary thought, I go into a trance like feeling? Scary as hell, I need to stop, drop and roll this time, I need conviction, I need help, I need to give, I need to heal, I need to hug, I need to feel the sun, I need to get on my knees and ask God to please, please, please help me, and I need to NEVER forget. Or, my ass is in the world of trouble. xoxoxoo Day 24 GF....
Replies
Dear, Leapyear22,
You can do it. The urge and the trance you go into only happens knowing that you have the options. The time we left that door of a casino, broke, tired, hungry and no self respect, everthing tumbles down on us. And we say to ourselves again that this is the last time. Or for some of us, if there is an option, we will still look at how we can get it back at gambling like its a some kind of competition within ourselves. Either way, we know deep inside wether or not we have an option. And that option for us, who have been addicted, there is no option of going back. Because, we no longer is or can be a \"social gambler\", we are a recovering gambler. I \"could\" only exist when you see the possibility. When we fold our hand after careful examination of our cards, we no longer believes there is a chance we can win that hand. So what you win that hand by bluffing? You will play until it\'s all gone anyway!
You just need to stop bluffing and deal with the hand that is dealt to you, your beautiful house, your work, your friends and most importantly, what makes you happy and filled with gratitude, that you are aware of this half empty glass but it\'s half full for today.
It\'s my rambling, but I know you will not fall off of this journey. I believe in you!
Keep at it! You, awesome you!
Love,
Victoria