do dads today....
before I send this, I am just reviewing myself to figure
out my ownership of all this - self responsible -
but feeling like maybe the high standard I have
for myself is causing me to feel so annihilated.
I'll keep self responsible and keep on keeping on.
Cultivating my garden and cutting myself and family
and friends slack. Today I was feeling infantilized
but I'll own it - the following is what I wrote
when I got back to my cell after the drive this morning.. -
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drove a sister to Dulles this morning,
it was hard to make conversation - i tried but
felt like i was a lead foot - my conversation full of boasts
and just unimaginative and floundering
on the way back, i felt like I was and am disappearing..
just becoming a conduit for life
got back in time for and had communion
then morning meal with the clergy and the guests.
I know I have some good things in me -
but sometimes the outside feedback
augments the internal fears -
I just have to keep on keeping on
there are such differences between
people on the east coast and west coast
it seems that here 'they know community'
on the west coast - i don't know -
I just was starting to appreciate my community of individuals
and then I came here because of the opportunity.
Thank god for Blue. I am in near disbelief for what a great
cat he is. Everyday so grateful!
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and now just got home from some recreation
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just took myself out to the Irish Pub.
it was nice - a solitary recreational romp.
quiet and a swift pint and a plate of fries with HP sauce.
Driving back I see the same forces at play within me -
the desire to take care and do everything I ought to -
including giving myself and everyone 'slack'
but I am looking forward to working -
keeping a stream of income and a sense of possibility
is good for me -
Right now i can see if all I do is the monastery - once I learn it all -
I will go into brain numbing.
In LA I had the same issue - couldn't see my way out of grace -
wanted to earn money
but also have to do what is right for me
LA is much more individual focused -
if I am totally myself - I think I am rather hippy like -
not wanting to stress anyone out -
I do need to make money and to accept the mysteries of life
choose a goal and go with it. If I need to change - when the time
comes that I think this- then at that time I will!
Replies
I see that sometimes I feed my need for finances and possibility and fun
and others to feed my soul, spirituality and community. They’re two different foci that are a part of my life.
It's a thing I have to accept- it's at first not the simplest thing. I so feel like I must be focused about life
(maybe in too simple terms) an apprehension that has caused me to go down roads of breaking things
down mentally. The latitude to experience many things and stay somewhat healthy about work and play,
work and soul
is hard won here.
Xoxoxo
thanks sunshine!