do a good deed in the name of your child

guys, thank you for all your responses to my entries. you have no idea how much it means to me.  you know, i spoke to my rabbi, and i said everyone tells me jessy is in a better place, and shes not suffering anymore, and shes free and happy, blah blah blah. i know that. but what about me!  she is still in ME and what do i do with this pain.  He said i take that energy, and BECAUSE i had jessy in my life it has made me a different person to who i was BEFORE, or if id never, had jessy in my life. so what is in me that im feeling is manifesting as PAIN. i must take that emotion, that energy, and do "mitzvot", this means good deeds.  for every good deed i do, it makes me a better person, becoz i have used the energy for JESSY, for a good good purpose. and that too, lifts jessy's soul, even higher. i have an aunt. she is 68, she drives everyone crazy. deep down i can see her humor and her warmth, and i really do love her. but i think im the only one in the world who feels that way.  she is a character of note!  everyone else doesnt see her that way,,,  becoz she fights with everyone and anyone, she shouts at people, calls them filthy names, gives back presents coz she doesnt like them. they see a bitter woman, who's only son hasnot talked to her in 15 years, a brazen woman whose mother and sister wont even agree to see her. they see a woman who has no self dignity, no respect for herself or anyone. a woman who has nothing nice to say about anyone. i see something different. i see a woman with a very big and deep heart, i see a woman who is painfully alone in life, who clearly lacks all social skills, and has been rejected by society.  my mom is refined and very dignified and despises the way my aunt talks to her.last week she had a run in with the people she shares a house with, and the man struck her. she came here in her car, with the few belongings she has in her life, and her little dog, who is her world. my mom said to me, jan dont even THINK about it.  my husband too, she irritates him crapless and she doesnt give us FIVE MINUTES alone, wants to know what we're talking about and then to give her opinion!shes been staying here for a few days.  my husband and my mom are at the end of their tether.  said we have no choice but to kick her out.  you have to BE THERE to experience it!  she exhausts you beyond imaginable. but something inside me wanted to reach out my hand, despite all the harshness. so i did, and i helped her to find a place. and she arranged for someone to help fund the rental. and today i went with her to see the little place. it was a bit "shmutzik" but i told her we'll fix it up and i'll paint for her, and make a lovely little garden - its tiny. and i put all my heart into it.  it was a done deal today and we came home and she has been SO EXCITED, she says no one in the world cares about her, just her dog, but it means the world to her that she has me. (under no circumstances AT ALL am i seeking ANY PRAISE - otherwise in Judaism it is not a true mitzvah - then you are doing it for the recognition, and not from the heart. but to you my friends, i wanted to share this because you all know our shared pain). the reason im telling you this,  is because under the most difficult of circumstances i endured this, with my immediate family stress, with her stressing everyone, and the kids, and sometimes even ME.  BUT.....  i decided i was going to try to do a good good thing, that was to make one lonely soul in this world realise and feel that they are NOT alone.and tonight when i sit here,  the PAIN PAIN PAIN i often feel unbearably for jessy, is not pain tonight. tonight its this really deep feeling inside that jessy is SO CLOSE TO ME, that she is smiling at me, almost that she is saying, "thank you mom, and im so proud of you for doing something so spiritually meaningfull because it makes heaven more colorful and happy. crying all the time is not going to help you to help others". i really wanted to share that.thank you for listening. main message - try putting lot of energy into a really good thing, to help someone in life, until you are exhausted. and your pain will become .... maybe rather a "link" to heaven. and maybe we must do that all our lives. in the name of our children.  we can tell each other, NOT because we are seeking praise, but becoz we share our pain and together we will find a way, a project if be it,  to get through this with strength and passion. (the rabbi didnot tell me all this. he just told me to do a good deed. the rest is just what im sharing with you what came out of it for me) all my love, jan