Divorce Hurts Too!

Ok, I have to get this out of my system!  I am having a hard time with a lot of the widowed people brushing aside divorce as being painless.  They are appalled that divorced people would dare to try and make any kind of comparison to us widows!  The common myths I keep hearing are that by the time you divorce, you don't have any feelings left, or it's a mutual decision, unlike being widowed, etc.  While I understand, since I have been BOTH divorced and widowed, that these are two different experiences, I have to ask why widows are so quick to point out that nobody who isn't widowed understands what we go through, while still getting all judgmental about divorced people.  Well, if YOU HAVEN'T BEEN DIVORCED, the same holds true - you don't know what it is like!  And, can I just point out, that there are many different divorce scenarios just like with widows/widowers! Divorced people grieve - they greive the loss of love, the loss of trust, loss of self-esteem,the loss of the life they thought they were going to have.  In some cases, some of my friends were suddenly dumped by their spouses because the spouse fell in love with someone else, and there was nothing the dumped spouse could do about it.  In my case I did the dumping for several very good reasons, and I truly grieved for 2 1/2 years after my divorce.  Of course it was not the same as losing my wonderful husband Stan to death, but it was just as emotionally devasting in a different way.   And what about the widows/widowers who really did not love their spouses, and who feel relieved or guilty when their spouse dies?  Being widowed doesn't make anybody a saint. Rather than being insulted when divorced people try to compare their pain with ours, why not just accept that they are trying to make us aware that they do feel some of the same pain that we do, and they are trying to be supportive?  We don't want people to minimize our pain as widows, so why should we try to minimize theirs as divorced people?  I think we need to try to be a little understanding here.   Ok, I'll get off my soap box now. 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I want to apologize if I\'ve offended you with my comment on the dating topic. Your point is well taken and I know that you are absolutely right. Divorced or widowed, I think we would all have baggage that we would bring to a new relationship regardless. I have been reading many different books on being a widow and frankly my opinion was derived from most of theirs within the book. I had never even considered this subject previously. Also, I have a particular divorced friend who I was thinking of when I wrote my comment believing she can\'t possibly understand my pain. I think I have been very insensitve of her grief as well because where I kept thinking \"Hey, I need to talk about how I\'m feeling and how I am hurting\" when she always compares my situation to hers instead I bet what she wants is for me to comfort her because of the pain she still feels. It helps me to look at this differently and I thank you for expressing your opinion. I\'m sorry for the pain you are feeling from the death of your husband as well as what you had to experience in the past.
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn

Laura, I\'m so sorry if you\'ve been made to feel being divorced isn\'t painful. My close girlfriend who was divorced not by her decision and I have often talked about the pain we feel. Actually we\'ve discussed while the widow is given sympathy the divorcee is gossiped about. I totally understand your anger and am sorry you\'re feeling this way. Sharon
deleted_user
deleted_user

Loss is loss, and I\'ve lost at the marriage game more than once. The first one was tough, but losing my second husband to divorce that I didn\'t want, was devistating. I still feel the pain from that even 10 years later. Yes, I\'ve moved on with my life but I still grieve what I can no longer have. And in some ways, perhaps it\'s even a tougher bite to take since I know he\'s still alive, and enjoying live without me; with his new wife. Ouch, that hurt! Death is final, and there is no looking back except upon your great memories of that person. But when someone is divorced, knowing that person who didn\'t want them anymore is still alive, enjoying life without you, it\'s painful. But like everyone else, we all must move on; like it or not.