divorce been filed

I just found out today that she has already filed for the divorce.  She filed on monday.  I am so cunfused.  I have tried to ask her for counseling, but she will not go. She continually blames me for everything.  I want to get an attorney, but i cannot afford the 2000 retainer fee.  i still have not seen my children or heard from them.  It is very hard to focus on myself right now.  I want her to try to help this out, but she still is just done.  I feel so bad right now.  I am losing the one person in my life that i love the most.  i keep playing the 'only if' game over and over in my head.... only if i got help sooner, only if she will go to counsleing with me, only if she cared, only if i changed earlier.... just makes me feel worse.  I still am a loser with no job.  A wife who hates me, children who will grow to hate me too.  Why?  WHY?  I regret doing my time in the marines.  This is not what i wanted my life or marriage to come down to.  I keep thinking to myslef, why try anymore?  I hate myself for getting into this crap myself.  I DID THIS!  I was the asshole who pushed her away.  ANd there is nothing that i can do!!!! Is this what god wants? Is this how i am repayed for doing what i wanted to do with my life? I chose to join the marines.  i wanted to serve.  Because of my service, i got treated like shit and was diagnosed with PTSD.  FOR WHAT????  HAVE I BEEN THAT BAD OF A HUSBAND?  she never has run to me with any problems.  She runs to her mom and dad as always.  i hate that.  I had no idea this was going to happen like this.  I would have changed sooner.  i tried to change before, but fell through the cracks and kept doing the stupid crap.  I got stupid ass jobs that i hated.  I cannot find a job that i want to keep that is worth my time.  i wanted to be a cop, but nobody is flipping hiring.  I dont even know if i could do that, and still show my wife that i am ther for her.  She left because i was never there.  i worked my ass off for a company that didnt pay me.  I tried to start up a security company with a few guys i know, and that didnt pan out.  I WASTED 3 FLIPPING MONTHS, and now have lost my wife because of it.  Why cant i do the right things?  Why cant i be the man she wants and needs?   I JUST DONT KNOW SNYMORE!