Divorce
Well at least I can say that this seems like it is going to be a "frindly" divorce. I mean neither one of us is angry. We both are very saddened by it, but at least there is no finger pointing or blaming going on. In my heart I know that I have made her very unhappy over the years. I guess as I got older my desire to get some isolation grew and grew. In my case i did not even realise that I was suffering from any kind of trama until a few years ago when I finally confessed to my wife that I had actually been raped as a child. She was the first person I had ever told, and when those words came out of my mouth I thought I was going to die. I mean It suddenly felt like it had just happened and I had just gotten home and I was 6 years old all over again. In her understanding of why I am the way I am, and her sempathy for what ive gone through our marrage strengthend... for a while. After a year or so I was still the person I was, and she was still the person she was. Its taken us almost 5 years to come to terms with the fact that this will not change. Neither one of us are bad people. Neither one of us should change. And yes we have tried all types of compermizes. But when She craves large crowds and lots of human interaction, and I get all edgy and stressed out in crowds, any mix or compromize inbetween just makes us both unhappy.
We have decided to take the divorce slow. Our son who is 19 is trying to get his own place to live. So we have decided to wait until he has moved out before we announce it to everyone we know. Also, I am finaly going to get a fulltime job in a couple of weeks. This meens insurance for her. She NEEDS to get some medical attention, and at least SOME kind of diagnoses of what is wrong with her. In short, she suffers from vertigo, high blood pressure, IBS, and mitro valve prolapse. She is unable to drive herself anywhere, or hold down a job. she does write for a couple of online magazines, but that is not enough to live on. I've been with her for too long to turn a cold sholder. I will help her whenever she needs it untile my dying breath.
Still this is not an easy process emotionally speaking. I am not in very clear frame of mind right now. Nothing is certain. I do feel a little guilty for thiniking about being able to have free time to go walking in the woods or riding my unicycle... or even entering in a film festival. Things that I have always dreamed of, but could not.. not because she would not "let" me, but rather because she could not do some of those activities, and I would have to leave her at home alone in order to do them. I alwasy felt that that would be incredibly selfish of me so I never did any of those activities that really want to do. So anyway, now I feel a little guilt looking forward to doing some, or all of those things.
We have decided to take the divorce slow. Our son who is 19 is trying to get his own place to live. So we have decided to wait until he has moved out before we announce it to everyone we know. Also, I am finaly going to get a fulltime job in a couple of weeks. This meens insurance for her. She NEEDS to get some medical attention, and at least SOME kind of diagnoses of what is wrong with her. In short, she suffers from vertigo, high blood pressure, IBS, and mitro valve prolapse. She is unable to drive herself anywhere, or hold down a job. she does write for a couple of online magazines, but that is not enough to live on. I've been with her for too long to turn a cold sholder. I will help her whenever she needs it untile my dying breath.
Still this is not an easy process emotionally speaking. I am not in very clear frame of mind right now. Nothing is certain. I do feel a little guilty for thiniking about being able to have free time to go walking in the woods or riding my unicycle... or even entering in a film festival. Things that I have always dreamed of, but could not.. not because she would not "let" me, but rather because she could not do some of those activities, and I would have to leave her at home alone in order to do them. I alwasy felt that that would be incredibly selfish of me so I never did any of those activities that really want to do. So anyway, now I feel a little guilt looking forward to doing some, or all of those things.
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