disrespect
I love my family. But sometimes there is a limit, whether good or bad, needed or unneeded, when advice should be filtered. I have been going through this "thing" with my ex. No talking to each other but he has been reaching out on fb (which I do not visit as often as I did before because of him) to many friends and family he had no use of when we were married. Why? Because they are my friends and family. He has new wife, new family so I consider my family off limits. My mother even agreed. UNTIL my brother decided to friend him. Ok, he's an adult so he can do what he wants. Mother has since changed her opinion because this brother is somewhat her fav. He also is only one who lives out of state.
Well, I called her today to tell her about ex being in area yet again. This call didn't go very well. Not because I didn't like what she said but because It was starting to feel repetitive. So I politely excused myself from the conversation and ended call. Mama called back and I could hear dad in background giving his advice too. Their advice was to not let it upset me because then the exass would know he gets to me. And I should ignore the fact he's coming around when he lives 80 miles away. I can't tell him where to go as long as he doesn't step foot on my property. And I shouldn't tell people NOT to talk to him. It will again give him a little joy knowing it upset me.
My response was "I haven't told people NOT to talk to him. I was/am not upset just pissed he's still checking on me. And the only people who know where I work are my family. NONE of his. I never told anyone. So who told HIM!
Well, I have never disrespected my parents. Never cussed at them or raised my voice. Always held it in. Til today. I lost it so to speak. Told them I didn't give a flying f what he did, who he talked to or where he went. As long as he left me alone. Which he isn't doing! And I was upset that I thought my family would have my back and choose NOT to be his friend. Do they not remember the last 29 years and all he did? And why am I the only one who sees what he's doing. I don't go anywhere near his house. Have no intention of doing so. I firmly believe he's going to try to come around. Everyone thinks he doesn't have the balls to come here but I have my doubts. I keep my doors locked all the time now. I just don't trust him.
Ok vent over. Sorry so long.
Well, I called her today to tell her about ex being in area yet again. This call didn't go very well. Not because I didn't like what she said but because It was starting to feel repetitive. So I politely excused myself from the conversation and ended call. Mama called back and I could hear dad in background giving his advice too. Their advice was to not let it upset me because then the exass would know he gets to me. And I should ignore the fact he's coming around when he lives 80 miles away. I can't tell him where to go as long as he doesn't step foot on my property. And I shouldn't tell people NOT to talk to him. It will again give him a little joy knowing it upset me.
My response was "I haven't told people NOT to talk to him. I was/am not upset just pissed he's still checking on me. And the only people who know where I work are my family. NONE of his. I never told anyone. So who told HIM!
Well, I have never disrespected my parents. Never cussed at them or raised my voice. Always held it in. Til today. I lost it so to speak. Told them I didn't give a flying f what he did, who he talked to or where he went. As long as he left me alone. Which he isn't doing! And I was upset that I thought my family would have my back and choose NOT to be his friend. Do they not remember the last 29 years and all he did? And why am I the only one who sees what he's doing. I don't go anywhere near his house. Have no intention of doing so. I firmly believe he's going to try to come around. Everyone thinks he doesn't have the balls to come here but I have my doubts. I keep my doors locked all the time now. I just don't trust him.
Ok vent over. Sorry so long.
Replies
This is the place to let it out. I hope it let you feel better. You know your ex best. If your gut says he will come by your house he may just do that. Keep your doors locked.
(((HUGS))) sorry hun. I have a relationship with my EX\'s family. I see mostly his mom and sister. His brother has invited me to call or visit several times but I don\'t accept those invites. When I do see them, we don\'t talk about him. I think that is how is should be. Even though he is a butthead and cheater and his mother even says it wasn\'t my fault, he does deserve me not butting in his life. I surely hope your family respects your privacy and doesn\'t tell him anything about you. You were tortured enough by him. Trust your gut
I think the family thing hurts the worst. I guess maybe I do carry a grudge against him but thought family agreed. Goes to show how wrong one can be
No happy, know that you are NOT alone in your frustration. My sinister sister started sucking up to my now-X even before the divorce was final -- and the strangest thing was HE NEVER LIKED HER BEFORE! Yup. It got back to me on good authority that my sinister sister had the audacity to go out to dinner with the now-X AND THE OW months before the divorce. Last straw for me as far as sinister sister goes. Haven\'t spoken to her since and that was in early 2007.
I did NOT contact his family at all; his four girl cousins all reached out to me and stuck by me through the whole ugly mess. And one of his nieces and her husband. The rest of them....to be honest, I was RELIEVED not to have to deal with the dysfunctional bunch anymore!
But there is dysfunction in my own family...my parents are long gone...but my other sister decided she was going to be \"nice\" to my now-X too and that really sort of burned me up. After all, she was the one who talked me off the ledge quite a few times during the ugly divorce process. Go figure!
I guess the old adage is true: Your TRUE family isn\'t really related to you; they are the folks you CHOOSE to be close with.
nohappy, I am so sorry you are also experiencing this.
I have had such a tough time with trying to let go the fact that my family seem to think it is absolutely fine to keep having a close relationship with my ex, and at times I feel that some of my siblings care more about him than about me.
I even once tried to talk to my brother that was doing it, to make him realise why my ex is an ex, so that he would hopefully take my side a bit more, well I\'ll be damned if he didn\'t get even more concerned about my ex and what we need to do to help him? What the heck??!!
I have now come to the conclusion that NO ONE else who hasn\'t been through something similar has the first clue what this feels like. It feels like such a betrayal, and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it.
Blood isn\'t necessarily thicker than water when it comes to a divorce, and it can really suck!! I have come to the conclusion that the quicker I can try to just let it go, the better for me, because no amount of agonizing over it will change it. I have also found I confide less and less in my siblings because I do not trust them to be on my side anymore. I have friends that I feel safer confiding in.
I appreciate the thoughts and advice. It feels good to know this isn\'t a one person thing I guess although if I am feeling this way I feel sorry for those who have been there or going through it.
There are 5 in this family. (besides parents) We all live within 20 miles of each other except for brother in VA. Like I said, and you may have experienced it yourself, ma and pa have their \"favs\". So I don\'t think it will be a surprise if one of my sisters goes over to the \"dark side\" since the other fav brother did too. I don\'t hardly talk to her as it is. But I choose to just ignore parental advice since I seem to be doing all wrong in their eyes. Still love them but guess I have to learn to politely decline advice
I\'m sorry I don\'t have a point of reference and I\'m sort of on the other end of the receiving line. Although, I\'m not the one who lied and cheated and belittled and betrayed - I am in close contact with my ex\'s family. They became mine over the course of the past 30 years. Now, that being said - I will say that it would hurt me terribly if my family welcomed my ex back with open arms, but there\'s nothing anyone can do about that.
Try to stop worrying about what he\'s doing and who he\'s talking to. All in all, they are your family and you can never get rid of them LOL - not that you would want to I was just kidding. I\'m sure there isn\'t anything he can say about you that would make them love you any less so worry poor.. You are strong, confident and can take care of yourself. Distance yourself for a bit until you calm down. xxoo