Disconnected
I've had several good days here lately, talking face to face or over the phone with friends. Not to mention, I haven't touched Facebook in a month. Why do I still feel so disconnected from everyone? I sought them out for comfort and they were more than happy to listen to me. Yet, when I am with them and around them, there is a foreboding feeling that, eventually I will have to leave them and go back to being alone. My wife and I are talking more, but the fighting and detachment continues. I can hardly hold back tears when I think about our marriage ending. My friends and therapist have talked me through some of the rougher days, but I feel I'm being clingy if I stay too long or I apologize for talking over the phone for hours. I feel as if I'm imposing into their lives but I also feel all I want to do is stay and not go home. None of them have said as much to me and some scoff at the suggestion that I have imposed. However, the loneliness pervades my every thought. The meds seem to keep me from crying or breaking down. When will life be happy again? It's been nearly a year since I began this dark journey and the fog has yet to be lifted. I try really hard to choose happiness and joy; how long will the darkness last? I quit praying because it doesn't do any good. I find even more sorrow in my spiritual journey. Sometimes it's hard not to give up. Life is painful, love is painful, and in the end, what are we really left with?
Replies
Hang in there, my friend. I went to a support group tonight and a guy shared about how much strength he gained from helping others. See if you can find ways to reach out and help others. Maybe with a local church, or find somewhere to volunteer. If you try to help others, you can start to forget about yourself. Pornography is a very selfish addiction. We addicts tend to isolate ourselves, and internalize things. I can see that you are trying to avoid this. And that's a very good path to go down. Keep trying the things you're doing, but maybe try to add some activities to help others. I think you will find this a strength in your life.
Thank you for the encouragement. It helps knowing I'm not the only one whose going/gone through this. I have isolated myself because I sometimes loathe being human and having feelings. My feelings don't make any sense. I have been focusing on serving my family and that's helped.