Disbelief of betrayal
The big thing right now that I am trying to cope with is the absolute disbelief that someone I have lived with for 22 years could betray me. I tell myself she is not the same person and I believe that I really do. But that does not make it easier.
She knows personal things about me, I know personal things about her. We shared experiences like our children's birth together. And after all that she chose to lie and to sleep around.
Right now she is off having a good ole time without me or her children. She has thrown me away and I suppose has the attitude the kids will just have to get over it.
I have overlooked recent betrayals of my trust because I love her. And I am now struggling with the greatest of all betrayals, adultery.
I blamed myself for so long, I took full responsibility for our problems. I tried to change myself and failed. I took so many steps and I got no acknowledgement or support and maybe that is why I failed.
But now I know it was not just me. I am not responsible for her affair.
In her mind she is thinking she is now divorced. I should not be able to accuse her of adultery cause she was divorced one day before she left on her big vacation. Am I supposed to think they just met that afternoon and planned the whole thing out?
I have had a few instances where people have let me down. One was a family member, another was our preacher ( He was cheating on his wife ) and another was a friend. After each one I told myself I could not trust anyone outside of my own family. And now the betrayal from within. My wife who up until a few short weeks ago told me she loved me. Lies all Lies.
Its so hard to think about. I go over it in my mind all day and night. What is wrong with me? Why do you hate me? What did I do so wrong? Did you not feel such shame and guilt that you were betraying me?
Its so hard to comprehend and there are no answers.
Please God give me peace of mind. I am worth something right?
She knows personal things about me, I know personal things about her. We shared experiences like our children's birth together. And after all that she chose to lie and to sleep around.
Right now she is off having a good ole time without me or her children. She has thrown me away and I suppose has the attitude the kids will just have to get over it.
I have overlooked recent betrayals of my trust because I love her. And I am now struggling with the greatest of all betrayals, adultery.
I blamed myself for so long, I took full responsibility for our problems. I tried to change myself and failed. I took so many steps and I got no acknowledgement or support and maybe that is why I failed.
But now I know it was not just me. I am not responsible for her affair.
In her mind she is thinking she is now divorced. I should not be able to accuse her of adultery cause she was divorced one day before she left on her big vacation. Am I supposed to think they just met that afternoon and planned the whole thing out?
I have had a few instances where people have let me down. One was a family member, another was our preacher ( He was cheating on his wife ) and another was a friend. After each one I told myself I could not trust anyone outside of my own family. And now the betrayal from within. My wife who up until a few short weeks ago told me she loved me. Lies all Lies.
Its so hard to think about. I go over it in my mind all day and night. What is wrong with me? Why do you hate me? What did I do so wrong? Did you not feel such shame and guilt that you were betraying me?
Its so hard to comprehend and there are no answers.
Please God give me peace of mind. I am worth something right?
Replies
That was/is still one of the hardest things for me to grasp - shock and disbelief. All summed up in the phrase \"how could she?!\" That shock and disbelief would hit me regularly for months. It doesn\'t happen that often anymore. It will eventually fade.
\"How could she?!\" Yet she did. It doesn\'t add up. It doesn\'t make sense. The only conclusions I have been able to draw are that either:
1. She changed and is not the person I married, or
2. She was never fully who I thought she was - always kept part of herself hidden, or
3. Some combination of both of the above.
That\'s all I\'ve got; all I\'ve been able to hang onto.
As for you/me - of course we made mistakes. But so did they. But nowhere in my mind was there ever a thought of ending the marriage. I had my period of poor communication where I withdrew - but so did she! She wasn\'t communicating with me any better than I was with her. How you respond to the rough patches in your life reveals a lot about your character. Our ex\'s responded by cheating. While being in long-term relationships with children involved. That\'s a massive character flaw. Was it always there? Did it just creep in over time? Will they ever realize it and feel guilt/remorse? Maybe if they some day are honest with themselves. Until then they just may keep on blaming you/me for it.
You are worth something. It\'s not your fault that she cheated. A friend of mine said something about my situation that stuck with me, so I\'ll say it to you: \"You were dealt a bad hand. There\'s no way you could have predicted this.\" I believe that is true for me, and it probably is for you.
Your right. I take comfort in knowing im not alone. It sucks so bad. I feel weak that I keep blaming myself and going over this in my head constantly.
For my wife I think she was #2. She told me recently she did not know who she was anymore. That told me that for all those years she was pretending to be something she wasn\'t. So her true selfish self appeared and has taken over. Like a virus. However I am not the cause of her illness. Blame me all she wants. I know the truth, my family knows the truth, and unfortunately my son knows the truth.
I told him this morning that he loves his mom and that\'s ok. But he does not have to like what she did. And he should not feel ashamed that he is ashamed of her. She has to make up what she did to him not the other way around. She is so blind right now she does not see that.
I feel there are lots of rough days ahead.