Disappear II

I spent my day volunteering at the museum of nature and science listening to the ramblings of the woman I am working with. I am trying to disguise my hopelessness and depression long enough to go tan where I can remove myself from society and try to contemplate and think about life and the importance or the lack there of. As I see the guests I see those kids not really kids but 18 year olds. For some reason it makes me sick to see them, reminds me of high school and how happy I was. I will never be like that again. Last night I went to dinner with some of my friends from high school, which was a mistake, they felt like playing psychiatrist with me and figured if I was fine in high school, without any medication, then if I stopped taking the medication I will be fine again. They kept at it, comparing their depression to mine, and you all know that this depression is far worse than anything I have ever experienced. As I wrote last night, I had a sudden flash of impulse to turn into other lanes in the expressway and attempt to kill myself. However I don’t want to hurt anyone. I think that is what ultimately controlled my impulse. I have them sometimes and I can’t control them. I need to learn how to go about things normally with my life by working with my psychologist. My dad and step mom are going out tonight. I like it when they go out; it means a night alone for me with a large pizza and a ton of alcohol. I know not to mix alcohol with the medication, however, I do it often and have learned how to cope with it, is that bad. I try not to abuse anything but my 12 year old step brother one day asked me why I drank so much, I just told him that is what college students do.   I am so frustrated today. I don’t know why, but I can’t get over it. I am figity and restless. I just want to take a ton of xanax and doze. I really don’t need to take it though, I have been in and out of it all day long I can find myself just standing there in a lull thinking about nothing and forgetting what I am/was trying to do. I don’t know what else to write. I want to write I want to tell you everything so you can comfort me. No one understands better than those who have and are experiencing what I am. I have always wanted to try to go to one of those retreat therapy places where I can get away from my family, what I call friends, and anything else that might disturb me or make me anymore crazy than I already am. I don’t know how to ask for help or to tell my parents without additional judgment I don’t want to be in this state of mind. I know that my parents would be supportive, but I don’t want to give them trouble and my medication I think it is really working.   I want to be alone this evening, but my mom wants me to come to her house and watch a movie with her and my grandma. Like I want to do that. Bur at the same time I want to be around my mom and other people. I am scared. I don’t know what to do. I cry a lot and I think too much. Where is this coming from? Why am I here?   I just called my mom and told her that I wanted to be alone because I am feeling depressed. I also texted her, I know that she does not know the magnitude of the situation and I hope that she does not tell my father. He is clinically depressed man and he kind of wants to work with me and try to push through the depression and get through school. I am assuming that may be the issue whenever school comes up I become more depressed and fall into a spiral.   I made a new friend today. I think that she will be a good influence for me. I feel the fact that we really don't know each other is a great thing. I think that it will be great to get to know someone new who can understand what I have been through and what I am going through, it's because she is going through some of the same things. Understanding of one another is so much better than friends who are demeaning and unfavorable. My best friends have been like that for a while now. I have realized it before and I am now coming back to those thoughts and I am not willing to surround myself around that negative tone.