Dinner with H's friends

Yesterday was a bust.  My H and I went to dinner at his friends house so that we could "appear" to be okay.  This was torture. I sat there with the wives and had to listen to talk of "oh and when you two have kids, oh and i am sure you two will go thru this or that" all i could think is "no, we arent because he doesnt want me we are here for show".  To make matters worse the two other husbands that were there were being so affectionate to their wives all i could do is turn my head in another direction and try my best not to cry here i am wanting all that, i HAD that and now i am just going thru motions for the sake of my H being able to get his Visa here and for the sake of us looking like everything is fine. What the hell is wrong with me?  Where are my balls??? Then to make matters worse I make a total idiot of my self to my H.  I make my self look like a desperate fool by saying "i learned how to make grape leaves, i can totaly do it." Him: "Oh really, make them on Saturday" Me: "I will, and if i make them will you keep me??" this is the part where i felt like a total fool Him: awkward smile "um...we already talked about that, you know my answer to that..."  I felt so stupid! How could i think that my Husband would want to work things out, all i am is a woman who does things for him, lives with him and screws him when HE wants" what the hell is wrong with me! why am i trying, for what!!!  we drove seprate to the friends house so my drive home was day 6 of crying!!  what is wrong with me, why cant i understand that this not right nor feels right?