difficulty with relationship
I think when we come across folks who have such different values
but they claim to be on your side - it's a challenging thing - because
what they say and do really rip apart your heart and soul.
I need to get over it - and I am ashamed that I have no answers
here, other than I need to keep taking care of the day - but
also I have to see that this is my weekend time and it's my
opportunity to make a good focus for it - rather than having
the negative memory be the instigator for my outlook all day long.
I'd be giving up the power of my own choices.
It's not easy.
Replies
I'm sorry you're having relationship issues, Mark. I am, too! A good (so I thought) friend often talks behind my back and shares things that I tell her in confidence. Judy and I are reading a really good book, The CBT Workbook for Mental Health (Rego and Fader), and I learned a great lesson in the last chapter... Take stock in your relationships so that you can see where you're investing too much energy into less important relationships instead of into people who care about you and are invested in your well-being. Don't put too much energy into relationships with people who don't give you much in return. This is how I'm now going to approach my issue. I hope this helps!
thanks Susan! that's a really good strategy! I just wanted to add that I am learning to also shift focus - much like
you're talking about shifting perspectives on relationships - in so far as I am realizing that I am ruminating (and being awake to the fact that I am after bad stuff happens) so that I can remember I have a choice for how I spend my time. Doing this with relationships is hard. Thank you for pointing this strategy out to me.
I may not have written this initially well. I just had to 'get it out' - this person that I had the interaction with
is very supportive of me in many ways...it is just hard to cope with this person at times...and so in that sense
it is at those times - it's time for me to put on a kind of filter - and to know that this is just how that person is...
it is very hard - but also I can't ask someone to be who they aren't - I like though the strategy you talked
about to evaluate things too.
I'm so glad that the person is very supportive of you, Mark! And you wrote it well; my interpretation skills were lacking. :)
thanks Susan! :-) I wanted to add that in my free time I am starting to have the ability and power to look above
and beyond the human condition (my condition) and see my choices that I am making there.) It's a power
that is helping me choose better.
When a person who is supportive in some positive ways reveals private information to others, I have learned to keep private information out of the conversation and to promote positive direction in order to have the positive connection.
In doing this, it provides safety for my feelings, well-being, and allows me to continue to learn the positive with the person.
It's hard and you're on the right track to finding what works for you!
Choosing what helps is awesome!
Hey Mark! I'm glad this person is there for you in many ways. In my experience, when a typically supportive person's actions/values don't align with what they say, they're often dealing with some personal issues themselves. I find it helpful to remember that everyone is human and imperfect like I am. Hope you have a great day!
thanks Mid! and thanks Ladybug! Judy that's exactly what I try to tell myself. For some reason this past time I saw this person I felt uneasy about opening up with them (but I eventually did) and then I was felt the repercussions.
You are so right (it's true) we're all a bunch of imperfect humans. Thanks again!
Great advice, Mid!
I struggle with vulnerability, too. It can be hard opening yourself up to someone, only to be rejected/judged, etc.. I'm not certain of the repercussions you experienced in this particular situation. I hope you will be OK.
Thanks Judy, I’m ok. Just frustrated and impatient.
we all have assholes and good health requires we use them daily. ~anon
i know i have far more stable relationships as i grow more comfortable with those gnarly human imperfections. trusting those imperfect humans is far easier for me when i allow flexibility in my trust. i can trust somebody for this but not for that.
Thanks Arfie. Good to see you!!