Different Shit Different Day
Just as I have finally come to the realization that it is time to go forward and stop stalling...
Stbx has a continuous flow of issues. I am still determined to stick with my plan.
He has oxygen he is to use now at the house....and when away...whenever he is up and around. (But he doesn't) Was at the foot Dr yesterday for a wound that is not quite healed. Had to get an EKG and just did testing for oxygen levels and respiration. Goes next Monday to an eye specialist for a bleed behind one eye. I am taking him next Wednesday for an out patient biopsy of lymph nodes in throat.
Drs and I have been telling him he needs to stop.smoking. He has told all he is going to try. Yesterday bought his "last" pack of cigarettes. (Bought 2)
There is always going to be another issue to try to keep me here. I am still going ahead with my plans. I wasted 20 years when I was young trying to care gor others who did not even care for themselves....I am getting dangerously close to finishing out my life again giving the last 20 to care for another.
Have just lost another close to my age. A gentle reminder to enjoy what time is left. Once all this is water under the bridge...is just what I plan to do.
Replies
@rmb... You have summed stbx up in a nutshell. We are late bloomers (Did not get together and marry til 40) I think sometimes we are both so set in our ways and when I tried to suggest something different or mention being healthy, it is that same defiance... I think we are both fighting for control... in anything.
The hard wired thing is really sticky. A year and a half ago I quit drinking (for myself lol) and since developed a sweet tooth. I was always one to have seconds and skip dessert. So gradually I have nearly cut out sugar and white flour (doughnuts and cookies). Definitely feel better but my mind keeps bringing it up. Makes me feel a little crazy sometimes. Like at the store just now I was getting all healthy things and I really had to resist adding a candy bar. (don’t you love how they’re in the checkout isle?) So I get the rebellion thing. I think it’s my ego that wants me to give in and release control. I am hoping that the longer I go the easier it will be. I was reading about an ancient religion that believed when we put too much energy into wanting something that it creates a kind of energy form that sucks our energy. They called it a succubus. While I don’t put much in that, I do think the concept is worth looking at. Will power can overcome it but it takes sooo much effort. Kim and I talk about this. Right Kim? I actually had to eat more to get up to my goal weight. (175) and exercise every day. Now I focus on maintaining. It’s all about the calories. My wife didn’t exercise at all while she lost weight. Just small portions. Anyway it is interesting getting both of your thoughts. Perspective is funny. I never want to think that mine is the only one (or the right one) That’s the trap of separation that I have fallen into before. When we were talking about snap judgments and how the habit is to put an instant label on everyone we see : thin, fat, black, white, mom, mailman ext. I have been just saying to myself, soul, soul. Reminds me we can learn from each other and connect, not isolate. Where’s the fun in that? Ok queen, will you start another talk?
That hard wired thing does seem to be in all of us . Maybe we all do need to feel in control?. (The problem is , for a codependent like myself, much as I try, I never seem to feel in control of anything... but I keep on trying.)
@ finallyawake-- I have to say, your comment on perspective "Don't wanna think that mine is the only one, or the right one..." Lord, I do wish more people did actually think that way too. You are a rare find my friend (and that's a good thing) For me, after spending so much time feeling inferior and isolated (thinking encouraged by unhealthy upbringing), once I learned how and finally broke free, I did want to learn and explore everything,,, including what others think and feel,,,, And, unfortunately for you all, I wanna share mine too. (Duct tape is coming...haha)
I really started questioning my perception after my accident. Sooo much pain but it lead me to a healthy sober lifestyle. My marriage is amazing now and the connection with my kids is really making a difference. So how can I see it as anything but a blessing. So I am keeping that alive by applying it to most everything. If I am seeing something as negative then I am most likely not perceiving it accurately. These shifts can change our world if we let it. I think it’s our egos that want us to stay in the suffering mind. The controlling mind. Grasping at the attachments that we think make us who we are when we have everything we need already inside us but can’t be still long enough to see it. I should have said that with my meditation voice lol.
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