Different Shit Different Day
Just as I have finally come to the realization that it is time to go forward and stop stalling...
Stbx has a continuous flow of issues. I am still determined to stick with my plan.
He has oxygen he is to use now at the house....and when away...whenever he is up and around. (But he doesn't) Was at the foot Dr yesterday for a wound that is not quite healed. Had to get an EKG and just did testing for oxygen levels and respiration. Goes next Monday to an eye specialist for a bleed behind one eye. I am taking him next Wednesday for an out patient biopsy of lymph nodes in throat.
Drs and I have been telling him he needs to stop.smoking. He has told all he is going to try. Yesterday bought his "last" pack of cigarettes. (Bought 2)
There is always going to be another issue to try to keep me here. I am still going ahead with my plans. I wasted 20 years when I was young trying to care gor others who did not even care for themselves....I am getting dangerously close to finishing out my life again giving the last 20 to care for another.
Have just lost another close to my age. A gentle reminder to enjoy what time is left. Once all this is water under the bridge...is just what I plan to do.
Replies
my ex smoked and was diagnosed with emphysema....she is on O2 24/7 now....she set herself on fire trying to get coffee off stove that is gas stove....he line to O2 touched and caught fire...burning her face.....I do not know how badly but she refused to stay at hospital after ER visit....
Something will always come up. I have same issues with my mom. Every time I move out she falls and hurts herself, or something, and has to be taken care of, or needs help with bills, so I move back. Some people are just burdens.
Make some happy time for yourself.
My brother is my mom’s caretaker by his choice. The thing is she is completely incapable of caring for herself. If he wasn’t able to do it we’d move her to a facility. There is no guilt or shame in that. It’s just how life goes. Care taking roles for people who have health problems but aren’t completely incapacitated or completely disable, at some point is it just an expectation we put on ourselves, out of guilt, duty, etc? I don’t know. I mean no one can make any of us do anything without our permission.
Veggie, I’m sure if you were in a loving marriage you would not feel so much resentment about his health issues whether they were part of his own doing or not. I really believe for some people if they had the skills or capacity to change their behavior they would. I mean if it were a matter of just oh my god I’m gonna die if I don’t change, most of us would be the vision of healthy behaviors. With that said, you are not obligated to be his caretaker because if not under law, in spirit your marriage is pretty much over from your standpoint. Keep pushing forward and don’t let his set backs pull you down. You can still be compassionate but firm that you are not his nurse. It’s ok to still set boundaries.
People are hard to understand. My best friends wife has diabetes as well as COPD she was told several years ago to stop smoking. She continued and six months ago they told her it was imperative that she stopped or they would have to amputate her leg. You would think that would have scared her no way 2 weeks ago they amputated her leg. Yesterday I was up to visit them and guess what she shows me her new prosthetic however she continues to smoke. It blew my mind. What does one do?
Thank you all for your support and feedback. As I continue to trudge along and hang tight to my plan to actually make time for myself and what I do need (and deserve) . you all are giving me the strength and courage to hang on to my own dream. (and helping me to realize that it is each of our God given right... to be happy) Many thanks. Kim
Ok, as I have pointed out before, I have some predjudices. I find that I judge people who let themselves go physically. Overweight, no exercise, hygiene exc. I don’t like this part of me. I have been doing rigorous honesty with myself to let go of this behavior. One thing that helps is practicing compassion. Another is looking to myself to learn what I have neglected about my health. Especially emotional health. There’s always something we can do to get healthier.
That being said, when he should be using oxygen and quitting smoking and doesn’t.......well at first I want to judge again. But then I try to repeat that little mantra for compassion. ‘ He is me’. Because in some way I can understand how he avoided self-care. It’s a real issue with us 21st century humans. Here’s the bigger issue though. He didn’t want or try to improve his health for himself but he should have for you. Because being in a relationship is a real responsibility. We can’t give up on ourselves because that’s giving up on any happiness we can offer our SO. When we stop, we can’t expect our partner to lie down in the road with us and wait for the truck to run us both over. That’s crazy.
You need to move on Kim. When you are away from the energy he lives in, you will be able to take a breath and wonder what the he’ll you were thinking all this time.
@finallyawake... what you said about expecting our partner to lie down in the road with us... that is exactly what he did. Expected me to make do and go through the motions existing each new day (but not much more) without ALL the things we should be working toward and sharing together... communication, affection, healthier habits and lives. Is funny to me now... as I mention not being happy and wanting and needing more to his sisters (one in particular) continues to encourage me to stay in this awful spot because "that is the way most guys are" (probably so she does not have to worry about him as much. I am resigning my position! )
When you mentioned being a bit prejudiced against those who "let themselves go" I think to myself it is good we met on here (behind the laptops). If you ran into me otherwise, we probably would have never gotten to know each other(I would have hated to miss that). I try very hard to search for the whys … why people are the way they are (what happened to make them that way) A lot of us struggle... with our weight, self esteem and self worth (and all are too intertwined.)
They are all intertwined. No one looks to just let themselves go. It’s so much more complex and deeper than that. It’s pain, it’s hopelessness, it’s denial, it’s self worth., it’s defiance. It’s trauma and maybe just how some people’s brains are wired.
Changing for others doesn’t actually work. You don’t stop drinking for your partner; you stop for you. You don’t lose weight for your partner; you lose weight for you. You don’t quit smoking for others; you quit for you.
Veggie, I think we would get along well in ‘real life’. When I mentioned my prejudice it’s not this ongoing thing but a mindless snap image I make. Of course it’s never accurate. Just a bad habit. I have let myself go in different ways through my life so I remind myself, who am I to judge.? It’s absolutely all intertwined and I,also, try to work out the why behind behavior. I know about low self esteem. Mine has its own roots that I am exploring.
When I mentioned his changing for your sake I wasn’t implying revamping his being to make your life better. For instance, I knew a hermit when I lived in Maine who was intelligent and interesting. He never brushed his teeth. Terrible breath. Said when his teeth fell out he would just get dentures. To each his own right? But if he lived with a partner one would expect him to change his oral habits. These small things add up over the years and help a relationship. Reading a few nights a week instead of watching tv. Having a salad instead of pizza and beer. Taking a walk together. These changes help ourselves and our SO. Because we can do them together. Not just for the other person or ourselves. For the health of the shared lifestyle. This is obviously necessary but not practiced often. Some of us just get so stuck (for many reasons) that change seems to big to attempt.
But you’re unsticking yourself and that’s amazing.
@ finallyawake… It is not just you. I think we all have that automatic snap reaction when we see someone. I have to admit, I sometimes catch myself doing it as well. We are luckier than most that we do take a minute to try to understand and remain open (most simply shrug and close that door behind them. In turn, they may miss out on getting to know someone who has a lot to offer. Their loss.)
I do get what you are saying. While rmb is right... we can only change if we want to and for ourselves. I feel the same as you though. When you love someone, it would be so good for both of us (as well as our relationship) to do things together and work towards a healthier lifestyle and hopefully more time together., To me, the fact that (for the most part) he refused to really try and , while he said I should do what I need to , he had no empathy or understanding of how hard some of his choices made things for me, (junk in the house...having to make different things because he didn't like a healthier version. …)
In my perfect world, 2 people who love each other would care enough (about themselves and improving not only the quality of their lives, but their time together. ) I think I am close to being on the same page as you with that. Unfortunately, I guess others don't think that way.
This is an interesting discussion. I guess I see it this way. You have to take care of yourself first before you can bring anything to anyone else or a relationship.
Work towards a common goal of health and wellbeing together is in theory the ideal but then you also have to account for unpacking all those circumstances that contribute to a person not caring for themselves including possibly feeling depressed or hopeless. I’m not defending your husband not taking care of himself and I get the burden it places on you, but I think there’s other stuff driving that which is a lot deeper than he just doesn’t give a crap. I don’t think why he’s that way has anything to do with you or the relationship, ultimately. Sometimes in a weird way disregarding one’s health is a means of establishing control when things feel out of control. I think when I over eat, it’s not because of my love of food (I do love good food) but rather controlling exactly how I want to feel when I am in that moment. I’m not saying it isn’t messed up. It’s what I feel I can control at that moment.
Anyway, expecting someone to be able to take care of his/herself for their partner and the relationship when the person seems incapable of or unwilling to do that for his/her self for whatever reasons seems a tall order. People are complicated. If everyone was motivated to be mentally, emotionally and physically whole because of their relationships with partners, families, and friends, we’d all be a vision of health.
I’ve put on 40lbs since I’ve met my husband. I have no health issues as a result but I’m considered overweight so that would be considered “letting myself go.” I’m ok with myself truly. There is nothing in me that registers I should lose that weight for my relationship. I don’t think that makes me selfish or uncommitted to my husband. It simply doesn’t even compute in my brain. Plus my relationship doesn’t trump my free will. My husband doesn’t have to agree but he does have to respect my choices and then he can decide if he’s unwilling to tolerate it.
These are obviously just my opinions, haha! I love my spouse and have made many concessions for my relationship as he has too. This is compromises we make, tolerating each other’s issues and quirks and recognizing no one is changing who the other is for each other and then accepting each other exactly as we are. Growing up with an alcoholic father, I remember my mom begging him for years to stop drinking. At some point she had to just accept he would if he could and then she moved on. If being married and having kids was enough to make him stop, he would have.
@rmb... of course,as you say, we all have to be responsible for ourselves first and take care of ourselves for us. I agree that changing just for a partner when you can’t change for yourself is silly. Because it wouldn’t be genuine. I think that goes without saying unless we’re in the codependent forum. But when you say that self care has to happen first before you can bring anything to a relationship is also a tall order. That’s implying that we have everything worked out in our emotional/mental health before starting a relationship when this process is life long. I’m excited about the direction my marriage has been taking because as we work on ourselves we talk openly about our paths and support each other. And also inspire each other. Meditation, walking, reading together has been a great way to improve our individual learning experience, but together too. We have been together for 26 years and these last few have been the best so far. Practicing mindful living together is more than an ideal theory for us. I will say that it took ALOT of trial and error to get to where we are. And we know that we can’t ever stop improving ourselves.
I thought about what you said about not taking care of yourself could be a form of control. I think that’s very interesting. And, Kim, you have, most likely, considered this. In his ‘letting himself go’ (as I noticed how much you both love this phrase :) and falling into increasingly poor health he may be unconsciously ‘keeping ‘ you close by playing on your caring and history of being the caretaker. Using a disability to control or dominate someone’s life is something I have never considered. I can’t imagine what an empty existence that would be for him. Makes my heart go out to you more. Ps, to rmb and queen, I want you both to know that I want to be honest and learn. I have no intention of being disparaging and if you feel I ever am, please let me know.
Truthfully, I don't think it is done solely as a means of control for him. (Though it has served as an added bonus)
I do think a part of it is because he is somewhat depressed and does not care. (This is how I did when just going through the motions.)
One more thing.... (if I may) when I mentioned my predjudice on overweight folks it nearly always manifests toward men. My father is very judgmental. My parents were ‘literally ‘ homecoming king/queen in HS. They both could have been models. Unfortunately this rubbed off on me in some unhealthy ways. Two years ago my wife was the heaviest she’s ever been. As I do the majority of cooking she and I looked at our diet and decided to improve. She felt like she was losing control of her attachment to food. By learning how to do portions she lost 30lbs in six months and has remained at the goal weight she set for herself. I loved her chubby body but I am more attracted to her now because she feels better about herself. And her energy levels are improving with the healthier diet which inspires her to exercise which has lead to lightening her depression significantly. So @rmb (again, and I’m not picking on you, I honestly am interested)) this control she developed; isn’t that similar to your eating habits? I’m a good cook so she has to put effort into sticking with a portion but it also feels good for her. Ok veggie, I think I need that duck tape for my hands lol. Topic was interesting me but I think I got off point from your original post.
Oh I don't take offense to anything you said and I do not think you're being disparaging at all. You seem like a very decent person. I think it's interesting to just get different perspectives. What I can say about my control issues with food is they go waaayyyy back to when I was in high school and college and would binge and then exercise like a maniac so that I'd not gain weight. Truly I had a very weird relationship with food for many years. I eventually stopped binge eating and over exercising. I think a lot of the weight gain now is age related and working really long hours at a desk job and not modifying my diet to accommodate that. I don't eat tons of junk food. I just eat too many calories generally I'm sure. With that, my husband is very strict with his diet; he's a Type 1 diabetic, so he's all into low carb and he's one of those people who only eats when he's hungry. imagine that. Anyway, because he's so regimented, you'd think I'd be able to easily follow his lead. Instead, I fight it tooth and nail. I feel it inside where I think, no, I'll eat what I want, when want and as much as I want. It's almost defiance. THAT is the control thing with me. I can't explain it. I'm a reasonably intelligent person with no deep control issues except for that. Crazy. It does make me wonder about how we are hard wired, you know.