Diffacult gig

Tommarow is going to be bad. Well maybe not tomorrow, but Sunday for sure will be, at least for me. I feel very guilty for even thinking that it will be bad. It makes me feel like i am not the person that i want to be at my core.Understand, that at age 6 I was raped by a male. I will admit that as a teenager i hated homosexuals. I am ashamed of that fact, but there it is. I have since come to have a much less judgemental view on life. People have every right to be different. Even if i dont agree with a certain lifestyle, I don't disklike the person because of it. That being said, my next gig is a Mardi Gras Ball for a Krewe that is VERY openly gay. Again, that in of itself is not an issue with me, but for me, witnessing male male affection is a serious trigger. At this Ball i have a feeling that i will be witnessing it everywhere.I feel so much guilt for feeling this way, especially when I actually have a few gay friends. I guess the thought of not being able turn my head, avert my eyes, or "get away" from it, is making me a little uptight. For this gig i am just a spotlight operator, so i dont have any overall responsabilities other than pointing the light in the direction of the action on stage. Also i will be high abouve the audiance in a spot tower, so know one will have to get offended if i begin to shake.But don't worry about me. I work in the entertainment industry, and i am a professional. I have not let anyone at work or at home know that i dont feel comfortable doing this. Actually, I have not told my wife what kind of show it is, because she would be very worried for me... no on second thought she would march into my bosse's office and demand that i be taken off of the show!! That would not go over well. LOLanyway, i just hope that no one thinks badly of me for feeling the way i do. It's just sort of a conditioned responce that i have not been able completly unwire from my psyche.