Diary

Dear Kitty,            A letter from my actual diary for once.26th September 2009                  Dear Anne,               We had our second 'house swap' today (it's when a boys' house comes over for tea). So far, we'd had one - with Bramston, which was nice. Today, however, it was Laundimer's turn. I think that now might be a good time to explain to you what happened with Hector.              If I'm honest, Anne, I'm not quite sure what happened. I know he asked me out in February, and I think everyone had known it was going to happen - we'd been inseparable since the beginning of that school year. Then, in March, it got complicated, and I don't really remember what happened. All I know is that some rather cutting remarks were exchanged and suddenly, I was single.              I don't think I'd been so happy for a long time. After that, though, when we were back on speaking terms, he kept asking me out. Naturally, I refused, but he wouldn't stop it until I spoke toanother guy in my year, who was in his house - E. J.              He, naturally passed it onto Hector, who got very angry. We had a flaming row, and then, two weeks later, we were friends again...              And then it was my turn to get upset. I wrote all the things that he had said on my blog because I couldn't stop thinking or believing them - as I still do. Isla and Fraser got really cross with him, and it was all my fault. Then Hector got upset again, and we fought, all this culminating in him saying that he'd planned for this to happen. I suppose that's what hurt most; the fact that I'd believed a lie for such a long time. But even now, half a year later, I still don't believe he'd actually meant for it to happen. I know that, at least until we went out, it was all true. After that, I'm not quite so sure.               But, before this, I was so happy, and, as I mentioned, we had a house swap. It was loevly; just talking to Ivan and Janis and Stringer. It had been, until the end, a really nice evening.               Janis and I were tidying, and I suddenly heard an oh-so-familiar voice saying my name.'Fran. Fran.'               At this point, I was sitting on the floor, and, for one mad moment, I thought he'd just say 'hello' or some such thing. I looked up, half smiling, wary of him.'Yes?''You're a coward.'              I looked at him, and I could feel tears pricking the back of my eyes. By the time I'd registered this, he'd left the room. I ran into the hall, upset and angry, and shouted after him, 'Hector Macrae, you're a hypocrite!'              It was stupid, I know, and I had absolutely no just cause to say it. I've just made things worse, like I always do. It's stupid; I try to help, and then something happens, and I lose my temper and I completely ruin things. I hate being me; I just feel so useless all the time.              I've been looking back at the past year, and it makes me sad and regretful, but I also feel happy. For six months, I did what I wanted and opened up to people, I had one of the best friends in the world, and I felt genuinely and truly loved. It fills me and gives me hope, Anne - hope for the future, for other people, and, perhaps most of all, for Hector.      Yours,        Francesca