destructive energy
I talked to my therapist about what my mind gets up to when I am alone.
How I can be really sybaritic and indulgent. She called it...destructive energy.
I don't know if it's like when a dog is left alone and he chews up the vertical blinds
or a couch cushion but perhaps in a way it might be.
All I know is that the past day I have felt powerless to operate from a place of clarity.
Clarity may not be the word but perhaps where I am coming from now might be a clarity
as well. I just don't know if I am coming from a place of normality.
I am here alone in my apartment and sybaritics have kicked in - and now that it's all kind
of said and done I just can't wait to talk to my therapist on Monday.
I need assurance and reflection. I think it might be a good idea to take a walk.
Summon the gods of peace, don't give voice to the destructive forces
and try and create something wise and beautiful.. I am tempted to go
back to the Chinese restaurant and stuff my face with Chinese-y things
but that will just make me fatter and won't serve to smooth out the tenuous mood
I have already. I don't know how people do it. Perhaps I am just as I am...a single man,
walking the city street proper and polite taking in and appreciating all the different colors of life, shapes
and forms adding his own two cents by being around. Quiet, and to himself but
somehow happy and contented just to be here. LOL. Have a great night friends!!!
Replies
I love the dog analogy for destructive energy. It fits my own understanding quite well that destructive energy is any energy that causes to hurt ourselves, others and/or the world around us. In my strictly personal psychotherapy, manifestations of my destructive energy include:
Self-starvation
Rejecting before I can be rejected
Nightmares
Insomnia
Paranoia
The search for the mythical *Normal."
My shrinks/supporters included the last because my compulsive comparing of myself to people I AssUmed were "Normal" kept my expectations in the delusional ranges. In retrospect, I don't believe I ever bothered to actually *know* the people I was calling, "Normal." On the rare occasion I even had the opportunity to know the people I AssUmed to be *Normal*, up close and personal, I was busy rejecting them before they could reject me. "Normal" people are too smart to associate with the likes of me.
Yay you for resisting the urge to comfort eat. I manage my negative energies by taking their manifestations one go-round at a time and not beating myself up over the fact that I am normal enough to have them. Life happens.
thanks arfie. i like your thoughts on normal. i think as we change in life, daily or whenever - we have to find our new normal. at least that is what i am 'getting' now - a new normal means to me that we have to reconnect with whatever goals short term and long term that we might have...i have always felt there was something 'different' about me and my illness actualized that - but I appreciate your assessment and it tells me that we each have a direction we are coming from and not necessarily having one's cornering the market on normal over the other.
ps. I did go for a walk- and sorry to disappoint but I did have a Chinese food meal after all. Ah well. Thanks for the excellent feedback. Have a good eve.
Inside my strictly personal head, I treat "Normal" like a psycho nag flag for my social anxiety and/or paranoia. More than one of my psychotic breaks has included obsessive thought loops over the concept of, "Normal." My peer support network has me convinced I am far from alone with that phenom. When I catch myself using the word repeatedly, I back off from whatever I am doing and start plying therapy tools. The word has healthy uses, but it has a bloody place in my strictly personal herstory.
A meal or a binge? I hear tell the diffs between the two are critical. I love Chinese food. Should I have the waiter bring you a fortune cookie to replace the one I stole? I promise I won't steal it again. You know I can resist anything but temptation.
i had a fortune cookie.... the message was weird... it said "meet your partner half way"
I wish I had a partner....maybe some day...
A beauty I find in the word, "Partner" is that it can be plied to such a broad range of relationships. Sex is but one activity you can partner up for.
Are there non-romantic partners you can meet half way? "Compromise" is another word that can ply to a broad range..
Yes, true. I took the position of waiting for the Universe to tell me when that "partner" (whatever kind of partnership that is) comes to me.
You have discussed more than one person here who might fit under my own definition of, "Partner." Inside my personal herstory, I have lost count of how many times I have caught myself wishing away for something I already had. All I had to do was open my eyes and heart.
Namaste!!