destructive dark energy this morning

spending time alone, the energy tends to build up. I came home from being out with my sister, yesterday, shopping and having lunch, and as I was home,  still wanted to be around others and not alone. I tried to entertain myself with TV, with snacks

and online things but I found the energy in me is building up and building up.  I concluded I really need to be around people a lot - - and yet then that propensity contrasts with the fact I have the need to be responsible for myself...and I have to think about my own trajectory in life.

I thought I may go to a late movie. Why not? :) I thought to break out of my routine. I tend to think only in terms of the immediate order and structure I have for myself and it has been like a pressure. But

I am learning to step back from that and the pressure and give myself logically a permission...again a stepping out of a self imposed order.

In the end, I didn't go to a movie. But the energy building up as I remained home turned into a kind of dark destructive energy. I tried to expel it - 

Perhaps this is the nature of my energies when I am too much alone? And inactive or passive? I have it in my sights and it's a woeful primal thing - but I am trying

to engage in positive engaging actions - so like writing this journal.

It's kind of overpowering but I think I need to keep myself engaged in action. This morning I went for a walk to the bakery. My hunger was like a primal yeoowl from within. I got a coffee

and a 'morning glory' muffin. Really good. Now I am just waiting for my clothes to come out of the dryer and then I will get ready to go to a Father's Day celebration. I think I might go for another walk as well. I think maybe I should put some focus on creating things. 

I believe my therapist is really helping me to see the light, I may have this condition to live with for the rest of my days - but I can also learn to engage in life in a positive way.

Ok now to shower and dress.