Despondency and Support
Well, today I have felt lonely. And disappointed. And psychotic. I feel let down by the support groups I joined because the responses and support came for a day or 2 after my initial post but have petered out since then. Do you only get support and encouragement the first 24-48 hours after the first post/new event? When it's sensational?
I'm at work after hours because I don't want to go home. He will be there. I don't even feel like driving home. I haven't done my devotional reading today, either. I want this to be over. I want to be free. I want to be a stronger, more autonomous person.
I love him, but I don't trust him. How can he be so duplicitous? One minute he's telling me how much he loves me and cares for me and is being affectionate. The next, I'm finding emails he has written to his whore telling her how much he "loves" her and "doesn't want to have a life without" her. So, what is the truth? Why is it so difficult for me to think clearly? To see things objectively and make the decision to leave, cut ties, and to hell with him (not literally "Hell," but you know what I mean). I have asked a professional friend for counseling referrals. I need an appointment asap but money is an issue (since I'm pretty much paying all the bills except for the credit card took out in my name behind my back, his car payment, and his cell phone). WTF is he doing with his money? He can afford to go out to eat and go drinking but he can't afford to pay the darn cable/internet bill so that it's cut off? He can't pay his car payment or the water bill or the electric bill or help out with car insurance? This is ridiculous. And I am allowing myself to be treated like crap because, because...because why? I guess I feel I'm worthless. Or maybe that this is my destiny. Or maybe it's my stubborn loyalty that won't let me give up. Or maybe I'm just afraid of doing the wrong thing and being punished by God. I don't know. The latter is a big part of it.
Part of me feels like giving up. Maybe I should just not care about myself, what he does, if I live or die. What's the point to all this b.s.? I need help. His affairs and addictions are killing me. If I don't wake up tomorrow, will that be so bad? No. But I don't want my mother to suffer, and that's what would happen. Oh, for wisdom from God and the desire and conviction to follow it. I know no other prayer right now.
Signing off,
~S
I'm at work after hours because I don't want to go home. He will be there. I don't even feel like driving home. I haven't done my devotional reading today, either. I want this to be over. I want to be free. I want to be a stronger, more autonomous person.
I love him, but I don't trust him. How can he be so duplicitous? One minute he's telling me how much he loves me and cares for me and is being affectionate. The next, I'm finding emails he has written to his whore telling her how much he "loves" her and "doesn't want to have a life without" her. So, what is the truth? Why is it so difficult for me to think clearly? To see things objectively and make the decision to leave, cut ties, and to hell with him (not literally "Hell," but you know what I mean). I have asked a professional friend for counseling referrals. I need an appointment asap but money is an issue (since I'm pretty much paying all the bills except for the credit card took out in my name behind my back, his car payment, and his cell phone). WTF is he doing with his money? He can afford to go out to eat and go drinking but he can't afford to pay the darn cable/internet bill so that it's cut off? He can't pay his car payment or the water bill or the electric bill or help out with car insurance? This is ridiculous. And I am allowing myself to be treated like crap because, because...because why? I guess I feel I'm worthless. Or maybe that this is my destiny. Or maybe it's my stubborn loyalty that won't let me give up. Or maybe I'm just afraid of doing the wrong thing and being punished by God. I don't know. The latter is a big part of it.
Part of me feels like giving up. Maybe I should just not care about myself, what he does, if I live or die. What's the point to all this b.s.? I need help. His affairs and addictions are killing me. If I don't wake up tomorrow, will that be so bad? No. But I don't want my mother to suffer, and that's what would happen. Oh, for wisdom from God and the desire and conviction to follow it. I know no other prayer right now.
Signing off,
~S
Replies
Hi. I don\'t know your story, but your journal entry was front and center when I logged in, so...I don\'t know how much help I am, but thought at least it\'d be nice to see that someone wrote you a note. One thing I have learned through all this mess is that God is always there. It may not help all the time, it is hell...but there were times I felt like things couldn\'t be any worse, but yet, I was still breathing, and still had a little hope, and I\'d think, maybe He is carrying me - like the footsteps poem. Sometimes, it did help to get angry once in a while, and focus on all my wife\'s negatives...but, what seemed to help me more (although it was painful) was when I started realizing that all the things I loved about my wife were disappearing. She continued down a bad path. He went outside your relationship, and if you decide you don\'t want to go on with your marriage, I think Jesus gave the only good justification for divorce was sexual immorality - I\'m guessing that includes sex outside of marriage. I\'m rambling now. Read the book \"Love Must be Tough\" by James C. Dobson if you get a chance. Be tough. I don\'t know how many times I would be chanting to myself, \"God give me strength\". I\'m still here, so something must\'ve worked.
Thank you, LFC. I really appreciate your support and advice. I pray you continue your healing as well. Love and peace to you.