Despite my actions....

My heart says/feels one thing, my actions speaks another story. A story that I wish I could rewrite. But I cant. I have to live with the story I chose to write. However, the next chapter has not been written and this story could very well take a turn for the better. I am my own author of my life (with God as my Co-Pilot) and I write "most" of my stories. Some I can't control, but most I can if I just choose to do so.

I know that I have to "give" my addiction to God (my higher power), and I have. I have had many talks with him about this addiction. I told him I am no longer in control (as if I ever was). I know that I am powerless over my gambling addiction. I know that when I step foot into that casino that I am no longer in control. I know that I will not leave until I have spent every dime available to me. I know that I will feel terrible afterwards --- shame, guilt, remorse, etc.

I dont want to gamble anymore. It's not fun. It's a chore. A chore that I feel I am committed too. It's weird, but I feel like I make myself go. Hard to explain............. but I am ready to quit.

I have been to GA meetings (not recently) and for several reasons I wont go into -- that is not for me. I think they have a great program and I read about it and believe that if you work it, it will work for you. I have this little blue book that has daily meditations that I read. But meetings are not an option at this time.

All of my immediate family knows about my addiction --- except for my Dad. Today I told him that I go way too often and that I want to quit. (MY dad is adamantly against the casino and mostly because my mom goes and gives them all her money-- he quit giving her any money to go). This was hard to do, but I felt that I needed to get it out in the open. I dont want to hide it from him anymore. And hide it I did---I would tell everyone when they called "Dont tell Papa where I'm at". I'm tired of the lies and deciet.

I cut my bank card up when I got home last night. I had already reduced the amount of cash I could withdraw in one day to 100, but that is not enough. I must not have access to a cash machine. I would love to be able to give up control of my money to someone else, but that is just not an option. I am not married nor do I have a significant other. My mom and dad have a hard time getting their own check book straight. I talked to my daughter about it, but she acted as if she would be overwhelmed by my bills and getting them all paid on time. And I do pay my bills on time -- gambling money comes from grocery and gas money.

Now its just up to me. I have to choose not to go. I have to stop the thought when it first enters my head. I have to WORK on my recovery. I have to make an effort and not just think whatever "stinkin thinkin" falls in my head. I have to do the work---no one will do it for me. I just have to do it.

I want my story to have a happy ending......