Despite Everything.... still ....

No matter what.... despite the " supposed " help I get financially from him, AND the other things he does for " US " like laundry, get the mail, and take the garbage out; still.... I just can't help asking myself every day lately... " Is it really worth it ?! " 

" Is it really worth the hell on earth that he puts me through every day, and every evening practically ?! "

If it was something that happened maybe once, or even twice a month, then maybe I could cope with looking the other way. 

But when these " incidents " - ( we'll call them for now ) - happen for the most part every single day, and night, then tell me... 

" HOW can I look the Other Way ?! "... " HOW ?! " 

Especially when each time it happens now I feel like more and more of my heart and soul is being ripped apart ! 

Gradually, day after day... night after night... the light I used to have within me is fading. 

Every day I feel more and more bitter, and hateful towards him. I can't control those feelings anymore. I used to be able to bury those feelings deep down where he wouldn't notice them, but that's simply not the case anymore. Lately it feels like I've got a raging storm of emotions brewing constantly just underneath my surface, and they're constantly on the brink of exploding ! 

The problem is that if I should allow that storm to finally explode, it would completely backfire on me in an extremely violent way.

I have no doubt at all that if I should allow that storm to explode, the result would be a raging fit from him unlike I've ever seen as of yet.... and I've seen far too many to count... with none of them being weak by any standards. 

Currently I have an entirely new set of problems " ON TOP " of the chaos I typically deal with from him thanks to his completely unpredictable rages ! 

The set of problems that I'm speaking of is the fact that currently I'm dealing with having Cellulitus AGAIN ! ... Damn it ! 

I probably should be in the hospital right now getting treatment for it, but I'm afraid of doing that for several reasons.

One reason I'm hesitating is because there's not truly any telling if He'll " sneak off " and leave me while I'm in the hospital, or not. Of course he's already SWORN that he would NOT do that ! But my gut instinct tells me that chances are pretty good that he's potentially lying ! I hope that he's not, only because I don't have an " action plan " put in place just YET, for the day when he does actually leave me. I don't doubt that that day will come eventually, but I'm simply not ready for it to happen just yet ! PLEASE GOD... PLEASE don't let it happen just yet ! 

Besides, in order to AVOID being sent to a Rehab / Nursing home place, I would have to swear - and probably sign something to that affect - stating that I do NOT live alone ! I'd have to swear that I live with someone so that they would release me WITHOUT automatically trying to put me in a Rehab / Nursing home as a resident. 

Finally the 3 rd reason I fear going to the hospital I suppose I could say is 2 - fold - One part being I don't want the hospital to OD me again like last time... causing me to have a temp. nervous breakdown, AND the Other part of this is that while I am in the hospital I don't want HIM rearranging everything in the apartment, and possibly either throwing out a LOT of things, and / or destroying a LOT of things ! Either one of those last things, OR even BOTH of them could potentially happen ! 

If I didn't have Cellulitus right now I would be physically " more " able to go to a regular doctor's appt. But with this Cellulitus making walking with my walker even MORE next to impossible ! ... there's just NO WAY that I could manage to walk through the hallways of a doctor's office to their exam room. 

So WHAT do I do ?????

I wish to GOD that I knew.

GOD please show me the WAY.... GOD please show me what I need to do... and direct me as to HOW I can do it with YOUR HELP ! 

PLEASE !!!!