desperate for advice!
hello to my dearest, dearest friends i am having such a dilemma, and i just dont know who to turn to. the pain, of course the pain. its been just over 8 months now since jessy died. i havent cried in 3 weeks, it has been the longest stretch. but it HASNT been okay. i have become increasinly irritable, and i lash out at shopkeepers, or just any stranger who looks at me the wrong way. i cannot bear to be introduced to anyone in passing, and have barely been able to tolerate ANYTHING. i know, its the buidup and no realease of the pain.so tonight i came across the photos on my computer, of jessy, the night before she died, how very very ill she was. the tears started streaming down my face, and before i knew it i was crying and crying and crying. it was a good release. i dont feel any greatly better, i feel sad and alone. my current problem is this. i feel everyone does all the wrong things and i cant stand it. people arrive unannounced and it p----s me off terribly, i find it invasive and intrusive into my private space. people give constant unasked for advice, i cant stand that either. i could go on forever. the bottom line is, i was thinking of writing a letter, telling people where i am at and what i am going through, and what i would appreciate in terms of my needs, etc.but..... i feel that i would be opening myself to a lot of criticism. i have the issue of PEOPLES' OPINIONS about the other 3 kids. they have had it REALLY hard, they really have. but i DONT NEED ANYONE TO TELL ME THAT- hello! im kind of aware of that! khaely has severe bipolar disorder, with behavioural and learning problems. she is already 2 grades behind in school. my working with her, the psychiatrists, therapists, her moods, screaming, medications, is ENDLESS!!! jarod is mildly (at this point) bipolar, but he has severe anger problems. i work very closely too, with his psychiatrist and meds. he has to repeat grade 3 next year, as the year was taken up by him fighting with all the other kids and refusing to co-operate in class. tali is 5, she is doing okay, but emotionally also been through a really rough time. i AM DEALING WITH... running to meetings with teachers almost daily, getting called so often as jarod has got hurt at school, doctors, homework. then the recreational stuff, take jarod to karate twice a week in the evenings, it is wonderful for him and he is loving it, and khaely drama, and arranging for friends for them. i am making the greatest effort i believe is humanly possible.when i bath them, i use savlon, and baby oil, then we have fixing time, we cut nails, and fix up all the sores with band aids. then we watch a movie together and they all lie in our arms. else i lie with each of them separately and give them real quality time, each their own time in which they tell me their worries or fears, or stories. sometimes we giggle and laugh. other times they have a good cry and they hold on to me and i stroke them till they are asleep. BUT I ALSO HAVE PAIN - TERRIBE UNBEARABLE PAIN - over JESSY. and if the pain shows in my face, or if i should communicate the pain, the general comments i get are: "jan, you need to hold yourself together for the sake of the other children" "you cannot collapse else what will happen to your children!""if you have an emotional breakdown, you will lose your children to their father!""you cannot spend your life crying about jessy, you other children also have a right to have you, to have your attention, to have happiness""you must be very careful not to neglect your other children""you have spent so many years focussing on jessy, now its the others' turn" it is like this constant guilt trip about the other children. MY sentiments?........ *&^%#%*& YOU! how DARE you make such remarks about ME!!i have never neglected my children. my life revolves around my children. i give more love to my children than any of you are even CAPABLE of giving!dont threaten me of what "dangers" there are to my grief! that doesnt help i really dont feel like JUSTIFYING to all of them about the love and care i give to my children. how dare they! so thats the dilemma. if i DONT let people know what my needs are, then they'll just carry on doing as they please, and interfering, and really NOT helping anything at all. but if i DO write a letter letting them know, then their first impression will be,"haaaaaaaaahhh, she's not coping, she's falling apart, what about the children?" any advice for a very frustrated friend?
Replies
oh yes, i know what this is all about. i wrote a long detailed letter to everyone in my family a while back, and told them exactly what they were and were NOT allowed to say to me or expect from me. and i was specific. i let them have it, nicely..and i sent it to friends also and posted it on my space. its no ones business now, really, only your own. sometimes you have to get right in their face and tell them exactly what they need to hear. it worked for me. i just told them all, and i dont regret it. they keep their mouths shut now. period. they know better.
hugs and let me know how it goes.
to add: by the way, if they have a problem with what you write or tell them, its THEIR problem not yours. if they dont like what you say or they judge it, just who cares. ignore their response. i didnt care how my friends or family responded. they havent got a clue, and their nosiness was unbearable.
the only people i can relate to now are other mothers who get it, or people who just let me be where i am at. everyone else is out of my life pretty much.
hugs
I think you have a right to how you feel,and if you feel you need to right a letter then you should. I agree it doesn\'t matter how anyone feels or reacts its their problem not yours. You have to do what is best for you. I don\'t no if you have your own therapist but it might be a good idea to talk with someone who can help you through all these tuff times. I have a very angry bi-polar, pstd and odd child I understand the daily issues, school issues and it is so hard. I have had my daughter in day treatment programs, in-home-therapy, still in therapy and considering a jips petition. I understand her disorders but I also understand she has to be accountable for the way she treats people she also has to have consequences for her behavior and actions. If we don\'t guide them to become productive some how the will fail and struggle all their lives. Once they are an adult they will be responsible for themselves, it is going to be such a hard road for them. I wish I had the answers for you and me, you have a right to grieve over jessy, I could never imagine loosing a child, I no we have to be strong to somehow move on but that is a big lose and we all work through issues in life differently. Some of us struggle all our lives. I can\'t judge anyone with how they are coping or getting by, I do no with alot of friends, support and hard work we can get through anything. I take my hat off to what you have been through and raising the other chldren you have. Hugs and do what ever your heart feels.
Jan -- I think the letter sounds like a great idea. It will allow you to express what you have been feeling rather than continuing to bottle it up inside. Writing a letter gives you time to think about exactly what you want to say, rather than perhaps accidentally saying something you might regret the next time one of them wants to tell you how to feel and/or how to raise your children. I wish I could do something to help you feel better! You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs! Judy : )
If you don\'t want to socialize with people don\'t answer the door...their is nothing wrong with that...I have learned just to walk away when people start giving me advice or I have also learned just to tune them out - let it go in one ear & out the other...you have to live your life the best you can & no one can change it or do anything about it but you...I have learned not to judge people & I know I have p----d off a lot of people by asking them right out who they think they are by judging another person but I don\'t really care - maybe they will stop & think next time before they open their mouths...I am truly amazed by how strong you really are & how well you have dealt with everything - hats off to you...Hugs, Ann
I personally wrote a letter to vent and then kept it. I wanted to get out all the anger and hostility I was feeling and it really did help. But I didn\'t send it or publish it because I felt that everyone had already experienced enough pain I didn\'t need to add to the horrific pain as well.
You are an amazing parent and you know it and the important people in your life know it as well. What the outside world see and thinks is irrelevant and unimportant.
I had to laugh out loud about your not want people to come by unannounced I feel the same way and have gone so far as to actually hide in my bathroom so that they would not see me through my window and therefore go away as if I weren\'t even home. Sending you huge hugs Jan. Take care and don\'t worry about what others think.... you have to grieve in whatever way is best for you. Love, Vera
oh mann! you are all the most wonderful friends in the world, and i am grateful beyond words that you are there. what would i do without you. i have always been a person who wants to be liked by everyone, but i guess that is impossible, so you are right! those who want to stand by me and respect my feelings WILL. and those who dont, or take offence - well, thats their problem.
i had to laugh about the hiding in the bathroom thing. i often pretend i am not home when people arrive. i do everything i can to pretend no one is here. then my 5 year old runs out and starts shouting, MOM, SOMEONE\'S HERE TO SEE YOU! i have this pestering aunt, and i avoid her calls. the other day the phone rang and i didnt get it. but my 5 year old DID! she said yes mom is right here, i said to tell the aunt i\'ll call back later. tali told this to her, then said, \"mom, she said you ALWAYS say that but you never do phone back.\"
and i have close family shouting at me: YOU DONT ANSWER YOUR PHONE, YOU DONT ANSWER YOUR DOOR, HOW IS A PERSON SUPPOSED TO GET HOLD OF YOU. i feel like saying:, GEES DONT YOU GET THE MESSAGE !!!!!!
jan- you have to greive how you can, but you have to do it. forget everyone else, it\'s you and the kids right now who are suffering so much. it will get better and it will get easier. i\'m praying for you and your family. i think writing a letter would be an excellant idea. take care of you. love and hugs, meg
hey jan......omg you sound so overwhelmed....i wish that in a perfact world that you could go away for a couple of days and take a break!!!! doesnt sound like its possible....i think writing a letter is a great idea, they would know what you need and what you dont need. so what if they think your falling apart?? maybe they would be a little more helpful if they thought that.....sometimes people say things that hurt us, not because they want to but because they think its helpful. you are still greiving and thats ok, you can grieve as long as you need to, no one can tell you to stop grieving jessy because of your other kids.....your doing the best that you can and you have all the proffessionals helping so that your kids can get the help that you need....i understand how it feels to have specaial needs kids and how others judge us....its like we can do nothing right!!!
im hoping that the people around you will be more supportive and give you what you need, and im hoping that soon you will find some peace in you days....keep writing in your joural as i think that helps a lot and lean on your friends for support, you are never a lone here......im thinking of you hun....lots of love...jann
You are just overwhelmed and you know what you are doing. You are a great Mom and you have terrible pain that these other people do not know. Be strong you will get thru it I promise. Keep your head up.
Love Camille