Desolate
I have been having a difficult couple of weeks. I can't stop crying. I have been able to keep it together while out with friends but as soon as I am home, all I want to do is cry. Another Valentines Day without Lisa. She loved to bake and decorate cakes - she had a business for awhile making custom cakes. So today they would have had a beautiful heart shaped cake. Harvey would have gotten her chocolate and roses (her favourite flower). They would have gone out for dinner as a family. Instead, she is in Heaven and Harvey and Cevyn had the lady I don't like and her 2 girls for dinner. It doesn't particularly bother me any more as he is not as fond of her any more. I think he is realizing that Lisa was right - she is a user. He also has been spending time with one of Lisa's friends. Both Cevyn and I like Beth! In fact she helped Lisa and Harvey plan their wedding.
My husband is getting worried about me. He asked me today if I thought I should go back to work. I am inclined to think I should. It might help me get past this blue funk. I know it isn't a fix it. I know it can't be fixed.
I have a history of depression and am on antidepressants. It always gets worse in the winter due to the lack of sunshine. Whatever, I know I will survive but it sure isn't easy.
We are going to Vancouver Island next week. I usually feel peaceful by the ocean.
I miss you terribly Lisa - my daughter and my best friend. I hope you are happy and at peace in Heaven.
My husband is getting worried about me. He asked me today if I thought I should go back to work. I am inclined to think I should. It might help me get past this blue funk. I know it isn't a fix it. I know it can't be fixed.
I have a history of depression and am on antidepressants. It always gets worse in the winter due to the lack of sunshine. Whatever, I know I will survive but it sure isn't easy.
We are going to Vancouver Island next week. I usually feel peaceful by the ocean.
I miss you terribly Lisa - my daughter and my best friend. I hope you are happy and at peace in Heaven.
Replies
So many memories around your daughter and her creative flair that she had. Winter time is always so much harder on our spirits with this journey as I have noticed that as well for me. Maybe it is time to begin to venture forth and see about work? I\'ve been dangling my toe into the same water trying to figure out where I am with this as well??? Savor your time at Vancouver Island and know that you are not alone in what you are sharing. I almost sense perhaps a cross road coming up... Loving care sent to you. Joanie
These winter months are hard on the soul, I think - so many dates that serve to remind us better times past and rub in that which we have lost. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, Valentine\'s......all so difficult now. But spring is not too far away - a time of renewal in many different ways. A visit to Vancouver Island sounds wonderful - the ocean is the perfect place to find a little peace. Enjoy. Thinking of you ~ Joanna
Seems I do okay for a while....until like today...what is okay...I just exist...I don\'t know that that is okay...we are so close to when we lost our children...you at the first of Dec.09 and me at the end of 09...I still can\'t stand to think it is true....thanks for you comments......Sandi
14 months...sometimes the second year is harder. The absolute denial and numbness have worn off and we are left with the raw pain and agony of knowing that Lisa and Corrie truly have moved beyond our line of sight. It feels at times like staring down an endless abyss of darkness and sadness ~ so many days, weeks, months, years without our precious children.
We just passed the 18 month mark for Corrie and it was really hard ~ I even put a discussion post up on the FMO bulletin board about 18 months. The second year can be harsh, but I truly believe that the renewed pain will eventually lead us to a stronger place of peace and comfort where we are able to integrate these unspeakable losses and carry our sweet children with us.
Does the wound vanish? No. Will we once again emerge to better days of more smiles and good times? Yes, I truly think so.
I\'m glad that Harvey is spending more time with Beth these days.
Vancouver Island ~ so pretty ~ do enjoy!
Love and big hugs ~ Debbie
I have found that work helps me...gives me purpose. I like my job, so that really helps...perhaps it would help you. We do have to take babysteps back into the world...love and gentle hugs...Karen
Special occasions are so difficult. Each day is difficult but those special ones that bring more memories tug a little extra on the heart strings. I pray in time that Valentines will bring smiles before the tears. I went back to work less than two weeks after my son died. It was much too soon but the distractions were helpful. If you feel ready, then I think you should try. You\'d be surprised that talking with co-workers and meeting new people really does help. Sending huge hugs for support and strength. love Robin
Tears seem to be flowing for me too.....some days are just harder than others...I have heard the 2nd year was harder than the first, I am starting to believe that is true as it seems to me it has been harder so far....I know there is not much I can say...just know it is a difficult road we travel...Sandi
Hi Marlene, the aching and the longing for our kids just never really goes away, does it? Even when we appear to be doing well the hurt is just below the surface. For me, going back to work was helpful. As I focus on my work it helps me forget for a little while. It also gives me structure and I\'m the type of person who needs that. I wish you healing and gentle days ahead. Lisa IS safe and at peace and you will see her again. She is living in the mansion that Jesus prepared for her. And enjoying the beauty of Heaven. Hold onto that my friend. But we will always miss our kids until the day we are reunited. Sending you love, healing and so much understanding, Linda