Depressive Episodes
It has been too long since I have written a journal. I have the excuse that I've been sick but really I was lazing around and could have written some stuff. In fact I had stuff to write about, I just didn't. I really didn't take very good care of myself at all since my last journal post. I felt like I was under so much pressure and I had so much anxiety that I must have shot my immune system to hell, and as a result I developed a lovely sinus infection and bronchitis to boot.
I mean look back at my previous journal. I was miserable, I was worse than miserable, I was holding myself hostage. Tying my own noose and attempting to hang myself. I was a fucking mess.
So I've spent the last week or so dealing with being very sick. Once I got diagnosed with bronchitis and a sinus infection I got meds and antibiotics and the next day was a huge improvement. I was too sick before then to be emotional, and by the time I got on the meds I wasn't miserable any more. It was like a fog had lifted. I looked back at the state of mind I was in a few days prior and was just astounded at how victimy I was. How I was taking everything personally and blowing everything totally out of proportion.
I was fine then until yesterday when I forgot my mid-day anxiety meds at home when I went to visit my father. While I was there I could feel the anxiety building and realized that I had left my meds at home. I decided to see if I could stick it out. I couldn't. After a while I decided I needed to go home for my meds. I went home with my Dad, took my meds (Buspar. 15mg instead of the 10mg I normally take.) and came back to my Dad's place. That all took around 30 minutes. After a while I felt better.
Today seemed like an accomplishment. The best part of the day so far was that I did NOT have a bipolar episode! I say this because exactly 2 weeks and 1 day ago I almost had an episode. Exactly 2 weeks and 1 day before that was an episode, and for the next two episodes before that it was the same. Exactly 2 weeks and 1 day between each. So today was great! I did a lot of much needed cleaning. I took a lovely ride with my Mom in her convertible. Then I went to a 12 step meeting...
That is where things turned south.
While at the meeting I suddenly found myself getting very anxious. There was no reason for this but that didn't stop it from happening. I just got more and more anxious about... nothing. I was aware of it too, aware of this pointless anxiety but I had no idea why I was anxious. It was like this swirling whirlpool in my mind that was mostly aimless until I found a reason to be anxious. Social anxiety, which I deal with as it is. I made a seemless transition from anxious about nothing to anxious about being social. I was totally unaware that that this switch happened. Once I was anxious about being social I had no idea that I was suddenly dealing with social anxiety, no awareness.
The anxiety lasted until the meeting was over. It built to a crescendo as I went to try to talk to someone and failed. Miserably. Then I crashed into a miserable depression where I went out to my car and bawled my eyes out. Why? Because some girl didn't talk to me. What a ridiculous reason to be so miserable! I have TONS of supports and there I was feeling like this one person was my only hope for having emotional support.
My whole drive home I was a wreck, although luckily by the time I got home I was able to compose myself and I was coming out of the depression. On my way home I did a few things. I cried while I drove. I filled up my gas tank while talking to myself under my breath. I played music extremely loudly. I screamed at the top of my lungs "I need therapy." Eventually I did get home though. When I sat down and started writing this.
Through the course of writing this I spoke with my Mom about it and my boyfriend about it. At first when I got home I thought I had a depressive episode. I was thinking that what happened a week ago was another depressive episode that lasted two days. Then I realized that I experienced solid anxiety for around an hour before immediately switching to depression. As opposed to high anxiety, then nothing, then depression. That meant it could have been a manic episode! Argh!!!!!
I talked with my boyfriend about it extensively, went over the possibilities. What if I was just making it up? What if I was just experiencing normal anxiety and then just got really sad for a bit? We concluded, however, that it probably was an episode.
Damnit. :(
I mean look back at my previous journal. I was miserable, I was worse than miserable, I was holding myself hostage. Tying my own noose and attempting to hang myself. I was a fucking mess.
So I've spent the last week or so dealing with being very sick. Once I got diagnosed with bronchitis and a sinus infection I got meds and antibiotics and the next day was a huge improvement. I was too sick before then to be emotional, and by the time I got on the meds I wasn't miserable any more. It was like a fog had lifted. I looked back at the state of mind I was in a few days prior and was just astounded at how victimy I was. How I was taking everything personally and blowing everything totally out of proportion.
I was fine then until yesterday when I forgot my mid-day anxiety meds at home when I went to visit my father. While I was there I could feel the anxiety building and realized that I had left my meds at home. I decided to see if I could stick it out. I couldn't. After a while I decided I needed to go home for my meds. I went home with my Dad, took my meds (Buspar. 15mg instead of the 10mg I normally take.) and came back to my Dad's place. That all took around 30 minutes. After a while I felt better.
Today seemed like an accomplishment. The best part of the day so far was that I did NOT have a bipolar episode! I say this because exactly 2 weeks and 1 day ago I almost had an episode. Exactly 2 weeks and 1 day before that was an episode, and for the next two episodes before that it was the same. Exactly 2 weeks and 1 day between each. So today was great! I did a lot of much needed cleaning. I took a lovely ride with my Mom in her convertible. Then I went to a 12 step meeting...
That is where things turned south.
While at the meeting I suddenly found myself getting very anxious. There was no reason for this but that didn't stop it from happening. I just got more and more anxious about... nothing. I was aware of it too, aware of this pointless anxiety but I had no idea why I was anxious. It was like this swirling whirlpool in my mind that was mostly aimless until I found a reason to be anxious. Social anxiety, which I deal with as it is. I made a seemless transition from anxious about nothing to anxious about being social. I was totally unaware that that this switch happened. Once I was anxious about being social I had no idea that I was suddenly dealing with social anxiety, no awareness.
The anxiety lasted until the meeting was over. It built to a crescendo as I went to try to talk to someone and failed. Miserably. Then I crashed into a miserable depression where I went out to my car and bawled my eyes out. Why? Because some girl didn't talk to me. What a ridiculous reason to be so miserable! I have TONS of supports and there I was feeling like this one person was my only hope for having emotional support.
My whole drive home I was a wreck, although luckily by the time I got home I was able to compose myself and I was coming out of the depression. On my way home I did a few things. I cried while I drove. I filled up my gas tank while talking to myself under my breath. I played music extremely loudly. I screamed at the top of my lungs "I need therapy." Eventually I did get home though. When I sat down and started writing this.
Through the course of writing this I spoke with my Mom about it and my boyfriend about it. At first when I got home I thought I had a depressive episode. I was thinking that what happened a week ago was another depressive episode that lasted two days. Then I realized that I experienced solid anxiety for around an hour before immediately switching to depression. As opposed to high anxiety, then nothing, then depression. That meant it could have been a manic episode! Argh!!!!!
I talked with my boyfriend about it extensively, went over the possibilities. What if I was just making it up? What if I was just experiencing normal anxiety and then just got really sad for a bit? We concluded, however, that it probably was an episode.
Damnit. :(
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