depression to bring about change
So, I continued to disconnect to survive.....Jubilee weekend here in England..a time to celebrate....so my sister that i get on with the best (i have 3 and one brother) came to stay with me and my daughter....immediatly I started to feel low....she sprang into 'happy, happy' mode....but I could see through it...she survves by being 'false' its what gets her through....and I'll never be the one to shatter it (the appearance she has to keep up) because I know how fragile she is and always has been.... But she was met with my mums misery....my other sisters misery...until eventually she asked me why she bothered? I told her I had asked my self the same question a million times and only now had I given up trying to please mum.
She didnt really want to hear any of it...so I kept it simple and short..and said that I did what i felt i had to for mum..but thats as much as i'll do...shes taken too much of my life....My sister got a bit cross and said I was being dramatic and too caught up in the past and self help books......easy for her to say...she escaped the worst, moved away at an early age and left it all to me.....as did the other 3....but I was too young and my mother had completely clung to me as her crutch by then...hating every friend I made...making me feel guilty if I so much as visited a friend as a teenager...brainwashing me....pushing my buttons...using me....emotionally abusing me.....it was easy for them not to 'see', convinient, because it meant they could get away.
They dont want to hear my views....so i keep it simple and short but very, very clear....MY TIME IS DONE.....you will not see me nursing my mother in her old age (she's already ill)....she stole the best years of my life, she's not taking all of it, and I still cant function like a normal person.....and this toxic family who refuse to look at the past will find themselves rudely awakened.....and it won't have to be me who 'wakes' them....karma will.
I'm feeling very much like that little kid, tangled, blocked, frustrated, exhausted.....depressed, but it feels different...it feels like I'm going to get released from these feelings....it feels oddly like these old repeated patterns are about to burn themselves out for ever.....seems odd writting that.
I was thinking today...maybe I need some anti deppressants.....but then I read from 'the road less travelled' how depression (only on a certain level, not all depression) can be good for you....it can be a way of working through what doesn't work for you anymore....and asking you to change it!
When i was 30yrs old i lived with my mother and my young kid. my mum had told me i couldnt afford my own place, i couldn't put my kid in a nursery because that were ran with 17yr old nursery nurses who didn't have a clue how to look after babies...I needed her, i needed to let her give up her job and pay her to look after my kid and pay her (her morgage) to stay with her...because I couldnt manage a career (which 'I had to do' because it would be throwing away all my education) a kid, a house without her.......and she worked and worked on me, during my pregnancy....she got into debt and I had to help her pay of £1000's and began to feel scared....she forced me back to work when my baby was 6 weeks old......and I had to work 7am-7pm and had to fight to get my baby out of her arms when i got in......the house was totally in chaos......she hated me have people visit unless she was included...she shoed of my baby like it was hers......my work was relentless...they would only give me 1 day off when my baby had an operation......3 years later i was in the darkest place.....panic attacks and a dark, dark depression....
my doctor (who was also my mothers and knew her well) asked me 3 key questions. then he turned to me and said....'you'll only need these pills for 6 months and then you won't have to take them. What you need to do is change your life circumstances..but I'm not allowed to tell you exactely how, only you can do it'
I now know, he was trying to tell me to leave my mother.
Atleast I've achieved that in some respects.
I've got my own place (for quite some years now), a different job....and I can stare at the sky in the evening without being 'told off'...I can be ill, without getting shouted at.
I just need to free myself now.
She didnt really want to hear any of it...so I kept it simple and short..and said that I did what i felt i had to for mum..but thats as much as i'll do...shes taken too much of my life....My sister got a bit cross and said I was being dramatic and too caught up in the past and self help books......easy for her to say...she escaped the worst, moved away at an early age and left it all to me.....as did the other 3....but I was too young and my mother had completely clung to me as her crutch by then...hating every friend I made...making me feel guilty if I so much as visited a friend as a teenager...brainwashing me....pushing my buttons...using me....emotionally abusing me.....it was easy for them not to 'see', convinient, because it meant they could get away.
They dont want to hear my views....so i keep it simple and short but very, very clear....MY TIME IS DONE.....you will not see me nursing my mother in her old age (she's already ill)....she stole the best years of my life, she's not taking all of it, and I still cant function like a normal person.....and this toxic family who refuse to look at the past will find themselves rudely awakened.....and it won't have to be me who 'wakes' them....karma will.
I'm feeling very much like that little kid, tangled, blocked, frustrated, exhausted.....depressed, but it feels different...it feels like I'm going to get released from these feelings....it feels oddly like these old repeated patterns are about to burn themselves out for ever.....seems odd writting that.
I was thinking today...maybe I need some anti deppressants.....but then I read from 'the road less travelled' how depression (only on a certain level, not all depression) can be good for you....it can be a way of working through what doesn't work for you anymore....and asking you to change it!
When i was 30yrs old i lived with my mother and my young kid. my mum had told me i couldnt afford my own place, i couldn't put my kid in a nursery because that were ran with 17yr old nursery nurses who didn't have a clue how to look after babies...I needed her, i needed to let her give up her job and pay her to look after my kid and pay her (her morgage) to stay with her...because I couldnt manage a career (which 'I had to do' because it would be throwing away all my education) a kid, a house without her.......and she worked and worked on me, during my pregnancy....she got into debt and I had to help her pay of £1000's and began to feel scared....she forced me back to work when my baby was 6 weeks old......and I had to work 7am-7pm and had to fight to get my baby out of her arms when i got in......the house was totally in chaos......she hated me have people visit unless she was included...she shoed of my baby like it was hers......my work was relentless...they would only give me 1 day off when my baby had an operation......3 years later i was in the darkest place.....panic attacks and a dark, dark depression....
my doctor (who was also my mothers and knew her well) asked me 3 key questions. then he turned to me and said....'you'll only need these pills for 6 months and then you won't have to take them. What you need to do is change your life circumstances..but I'm not allowed to tell you exactely how, only you can do it'
I now know, he was trying to tell me to leave my mother.
Atleast I've achieved that in some respects.
I've got my own place (for quite some years now), a different job....and I can stare at the sky in the evening without being 'told off'...I can be ill, without getting shouted at.
I just need to free myself now.
Replies
I\'ve been there you, and I\'m at the point you are now, except it\'s my dad, not my mum. My dad gets \'just enough\' to satisfy my sense of duty. He sees my children and granchildren as rivals, not joys. When my first grandchild was born he faked illness, and kept being rushed into hospital,until a doctor sat him down and told him that he could \'control\' the symptoms. Very clever doctor that. He knew my dad was self inducing ,because as soon as he\'d been in hospital an hour or so his symptoms would magically disappear. He was trying to get me to leave the new baby and rush to his side. It didn\'t work.xxxxx
That should read, \'I\'ve been there too,\'
That should read, \'I\'ve been there too,\'
Thanks Pitstop...your words mean a lot...in a funny place right now....
Your mother has controlled you and tried to control your life. No wonder you\'re depressed and anxious.
\"my mum had told me i couldnt afford my own place (undermining your self-esteem as provider)
i couldn\'t put my kid in a nursery because that were ran with 17yr old nursery nurses who didn\'t have a clue how to look after babies (is this what she said?)
I needed her, i needed to let her give up her job and pay her to look after my kid and pay her (her morgage) to stay with her...because I couldnt manage a career (which \'I had to do\' because it would be throwing away all my education) a kid, a house without her...... (is this you, or what she was feeding you?)
.and she worked and worked on me, during my pregnancy....she got into debt and I had to help her pay of 1000\'s and began to feel scared....she forced me back to work when my baby was 6 weeks old......and I had to work 7am-7pm and had to fight to get my baby out of her arms when i got in...... (of course you had to fight to get your baby back -- she managed to manipulate you into doing exactly what she wanted, so she could control you. And raise your child as if the baby were her own. This woman has serious control issues -- and has used you to push around, because she is narcissistic and feels so out of control, she needs to lord it over someone else)
the house was totally in chaos......she hated me have people visit unless she was included... (of course... it\'s all about her. and she\'s not going to clean house if she has a little servant to do her bidding)
she shoed of my baby like it was hers.... (yep)
..my work was relentless...they would only give me 1 day off when my baby had an operation...... (We tend to find ourselves in work situations that reflect our home life ... you don\'t get respect from mama, you don\'t get respect at work)
3 years later i was in the darkest place.....panic attacks and a dark, dark depression....\" (Of course you were... and medication will only emotionally anesthetize you so you can continue on the treadmill dance with your mother)
So sorry that you cannot completely remove yourself from this very toxic woman, who has guilted you into feeling like you\'re never good enough, and made you feel like you\'d abandon her if you did leave her. Which she has brought on herself.
Karma: a Closed Circle of Dominoes... person \"O\" is in the circle between dominoes ... and leans against the one next to her ||||||O/|||||| But part of that Karma is you. If O pushes ////////////// you need to get out of the way so //////////O gets what\'s coming to her.
Yes?
((HUGS))
Thanks...luckily I\'m in my own home and over the past 7 years have as much limited contact with my mother as i can...but her grip is still tight...now its tantrums and tears from her...she\'s stepped up her game.
yeah, that\'s what they do when they don\'t get their way -- or if you change up the game. They start to rant & rave & throw tantrums -- whether it\'s literal or in the form of insults, manipulations and power-trips.
Hang in there, kiddo. You\'ve got friends here to help you ! :D