DEPRESSION REIGNS AGAIN!!!

May 14:  I went to a graduation ceremony at the high school where all my "boys" graduated.  Only one of my sons actually participated in the ceremony.  Scott was not one of them, by choice.  This ceremony was for Adam's girlfriend.  I would not have gone, otherwise.  Anyway, I cried through the first part.  All those young lives....and my son is gone!  Every mother I see enjoying time with ALL her children makes me so sad.  No, I don't want her to know this pain.  I just wish I didn't know it.  But, I do.
A DS "friend" sent me a message saying how he has found his son not breathing, eyes rolled back, etc.  His son, thank GOD, is still alive.  However, as much as the message was well meaning, it made me feel even more guilty for not going in to check on Scott when I heard the "funny" breath.  I will NEVER forgive myself.  Perhaps, if I had gone in, he would be alive.  But, I thought, I will be waking him in an hour or so....  Well, obviously, I would never awaken him.  He died.  My selfishness.  I didn't want to deal with him messed up.  I wanted to let him sleep it off as long as possible.  Now, he is forever "sleeping it off!"  I am haunted and guilt ridden each and every day!
I am struggling to stay alive.  I fail to see the point.  And yet, I do not want to inflict any more pain on my family.  I just don't care about living.  It is a daily struggle.  But, do I want my life to end?  Or, do I just want the pain to end?  I don't see one without the other.
I just don't get this..I have things that are amazing in my life.  My first grandchild is due any time. (girl)  I have Adam and Chris.  I have a husband that loves me.  I have amazing friends.  I have a home.  I struggle financially but don't go hungry or do without what I truly need.  How does losing a child make all those things hide in the shadows?  How do I learn to lean toward those positives instead of missing Scott so very much and resulting in my not really caring about anything?  My grief seems to be the reigning authority over everything else.  I don't understand.
I hate my life!
 

Replies

RememberKala
RememberKala

Oh, how I pray for words of wisdom and inspiration right now! My darling, hurting friend, I know how all consuming this pain can be. How hard it is to find any part of life truly worth it now. How guilt and self blame can rule your every thought. I know. I understand. I\'ve always said, I can only share what I\'ve learned to be MY answers. And my answers started with the sheer determination, blind determination if you will, to make Kala proud of me. That was step one FOR ME. I had this incredible need, this overwhelmingly powerful drive to make sure every act, every word I spoke, would serve that purpose. I felt I had let Kala down in so many ways, for so many years, it was as if this was one small way for me to pay my due to her. It was rational, it wasn\'t even what Kala wanted or needed...but it was what I needed in order to move. Without realizing it, I began moving away from the \"this is to make Kala proud\" into this helps ME...and then into, this helps others. All the while, of course, Kala has been proud. Proud that I moved, found a peace and a joy in reaching out to others...AND TO MYSELF. I HAD to forgive myself for every \"wrong\" I\'d ever committed against my child, whether real or imagined. Without forgiveness, there can be no healing. Kala forgives. Kala loves. Kala lives every part of her life to the fullest. Kala is my example, my teacher, my coach, and my biggest fan. She motivates me to do my best. And she loves me when my best is curled up in the fetal position wailing and speaking that \"non-language\" of deep grief. I have learned without doubt that MY healing comes from MY living. Existing is death. Existing is unfair to myself, my family, my friends, and to each of you. Existing only is even unfair to the strangers I pass on the street. For if I only exist, gifts of love, compassion, understanding, time, energy, hope, endurance, peace, joy, and yes even sacrific, are all lost. I can not allow myself to merely exist. I MUST LIVE. That is the purpose of this human experience...to LIVE it. YES, it\'s painful as hell sometimes. YES, I want to quit sometimes. YES, I sometimes scream THIS ISN\'T FAIR. But I honestly feel deep within my spirit I have no right to merely exist. That is equivilant to spiting in \"the face\" of creation and saying \"no thank you\". I can\'t do that. Even in the face of my darkest depression, I know I must find my way to peace, joy, love, and excitement for life. With the help of my incredible daughter, my fabulous husband, my best friend Tammy, my family, and most especially all of you, I have.

That\'s MY plan of action...what works for me. I\'m determined, strong willed, a bit stubborn, and willing to forgive myself. I expect the best from me and \"existing\" is not my best. YOU MUST FIND YOUR BEST. I truly believe it\'s a choice. I think in the beginning you decide, and then you start walking towards that end. You don\'t have to feel it, you don\'t have to even believe it possible. All you have to do is MOVE toward what you wish you could achieve. You\'ll be surprise how quickly you can actually get there! I know I have been. 3 years ago if you\'d told me I\'d be \"here\" in my journey I would have said you\'re out of your mind, I can never recover, never live again without my child. Now, I know I can and I have and I will continue to do so.

I also talk to Kala all the time. In the beginning it was all \"please forgive me Kala\"....until I honestly believe it started pissing her off! I mean look at it this way, could I honestly think I could ask for forgiveness and she NOT forgive me? NO! So, why keep asking over and over and over. When I realized she was sick and tried of hearing me whine about my guilt and asking for her to forgive me over and over, I stopped and actually started laughing at myself. OK, I get it Kala, enough already. It\'s time to do something else. You see, Kala is as hard headed and stubborn and strong willed as I am!!!

And the greatest lesson, acceptance, I\'ve learned is I never left Kala behind. She\'s not \"somewhere up there\" out of reach, out of earshot, out of my life. She\'s present! HERE! Anytime I call her name...whether I \"feel\" her or not. And she shows up of her own accord from time to time as well. But you know what, if I \"existed\" only, I\'d miss all that. I can\'t imagine missing out on all the incredible things Kala has said and done during these past three years because I was too busy existing to live!!

PLEASE FIND YOUR WAY BACK TO LIFE MY DARLING PRECIOUS FRIEND. It CAN be done....I\'m LIVING proof!
RememberKala
RememberKala

OMG! I had no idea I\'d written SOOOO much until I hit the add comment button and saw it post!!!
carasmom
carasmom

I woke up this morning sad and missing Cara... It happens many days... I hate this sadness... but I have decided its just part of my life now... and I can live with it... I think like Terri Kayla\'s mom that our children do still love us... they still want us to live and love... I don\'t think it will ever be 100% okay... but life still has goodness... and someday when its time... we\'ll be with them... For now I hope you\'ll lean on us. You aren\'t alone. Hugs Elissa Cara\'s Mom For Always
deleted_user
deleted_user

I try to stay away from events that have other mothers and sons in them as much as possible. nonetheless,I am assured that my son is MORE ALIVE then their children, in spirit, and I talk to him all the time. my son has graduated, my son is so much more alive than their children it is undescribable.
I have those days, too, when I get stuck \'here\' in this dimension, and it usually occurs when some human being says something stupid to me, or brags about their child here.
I have made myself into a hermit to not have to encounter that stupidity.

sending you love and hugs
deleted_user
deleted_user

Ginger I am sorry you are sad today. I hope that you will let us all know when we can help in anyway that we can. Love you & will miss you at the lunch today. Be sure to let us know when that grandbaby get\'s here...Love & hugs, Connie
Robin4
Robin4

Ginger, I\'m so sorry for your pain. I understand how hard it is to see other \"whole\" families enjoying togetherness when our families have that missing child, that void. I hate that \"little green monster\" that rears it\'s ungly head and creates all that jealously in me when I see those families, but we\'re human, and those days are going to happen often. I pray you can find a way to rid yourself of your guilt. You did what you thought was best and you don\'t know if you could have saved Scott. I think we will always find a way to point the finger at ourselves and assume responsibility for the events neither of our doing nor within our control. I think Teri\'s comments were so wise and so beautiful. We honor our child\'s life by the way we live ours. We attempt (somedays we fail) but we keep trying to be cheerful, kind and helpful to others. When we do that, it becomes a way of life and we don\'t have to practice anymore. Life won\'t be perfect ever again but it can be joyful. Sending you my love and prayers for a gentler week. Love to you. Robin
Abotsd
Abotsd

i do think of the other mothers whose children have died violent deaths in war. dear, brave soldiers, some much younger than my poor son. life is so full of sadness, rage, guilt. we are all suffering as you are, yet we continue to live. it amazes me how we can do this. the story of human beings, suffering and grateful for the life we can still experience. to love G-d, through all of this, is a terrible and real challenge.
KimRW
KimRW

Ginger, I\'m so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I think sometimes when we go to events where we see others going on with their lives when ours feels like it has stopped, it just opens our wounds up even more. It is so hard to think back about things we maybe could have done to change things, but I truly believe that nothing we could have done would change the outcome. It was not in our control. Scott knew the love you had for him, and what a loving mom you were to him and that is what matters most. The only thing we can do is try to move forward and find ways to help others along the way. I think by trying to do this, we honor our children in many ways. It is so hard and not always easy to do, but all we can do is try. Scott will help to carry you thru. I know how much you miss him and I pray for comfort and peace for you. Love, Kim
KandL
KandL

Dear Ginger, I am so sorry for your suffering. Teri, Kala\'s mom is a wise woman. Her words are profound & beautiful as the love we have for our children. I guess I too have determined to live my life to honor God and My beloved Eddie in word & deed as best as I can. That alone on many days is what gets me out of bed. Is it hard to be alive right now? Yes. And that my dear friend is not our fault. It is a natural part of this horrible journey that we are on - grief. You have a right to your feelings, but don\'t let them consume you. To everything there is a season. I must believe that to go on. I am in a season of grief. The intensity my dear I promise you will not go on forever. We will live, love & laugh again, albeit at times it will be bittersweet. Teri, Karen(Biowoman) & Robin as well as others on this site were my lifeline in the first few months. They told me it gets a bit easier & I believed them. And they told me the truth. Overall as the minutes, hours, days, weeks & now months for me have gone by it is a bit easier. Things trigger the pain such as lucky moms who have their children, (wouldn\'t wish this pain on anyone though) & realities such as paperwork & on some days no reason, just profound heartbreak. We are survivors on this site & our love & compassion for each other carries us. Our boys are worth our season of grief & our boys would tell us we are worth a life worth living, but that will take some time & healing. You did the best you could for Scott & he knows that. Your love transcends Earth & Heaven. Sometimes I feel Eddie close & sometimes I can\'t. I have been blessed to receive some signs. I will pray you feel Scott near you. Please be gentle with yourself. Love, Linda
rcoco
rcoco

You have received much heart felt advice from many moms. I too am so sorry for your pain, and the guilt that steals your life force. I lost my Chris to drug overdose, different circumstances but same tragic outcome. I have to believe it was the hand of God that embraced my son, and said Chris it is time for you to come home. When it is our time, there is no force in the universe that can reverse that moment. There is no negotiation, no going back, it is each souls ultimate moment of truth. It was between Scott and God. You would have stood before a freight train to save your son, but on that day no one could have changed the destiny that was to unfold.
Learning to live with these feelings is a process. Please consider forgiving yourself, the \"if onlys\" can eat you alive. The ultimate decision came from above, and Scott and Chris now rest in the arms of the Lord. Life is for the living, the light is for later..........hugs, Rebecca
deleted_user
deleted_user

Ginger I\'m sorry you are having such a terrible time. As mothers we think we can control, things, especially the lives of our kids. Coming to grips with the fact that we can control only us and then that only partially is a tough one. I know you need to beat yourself up but believe me this is not and never will be your fault. You did what anyone would do, you did not know what the outcome was to be and you couldn\'t change it anyway. I know you have been told this before and probablly will again but it is TRUE my friend. We don\'t control our own destinies how can we possible control someone else\'s. Be at peace my friend and choose life. Love and hugs Cathy
biowoman
biowoman

Oh sweet friend...it hurts my heart to read of the pain you are feeling. I just hope that it is the low dip of this roller coaster that we ride...that you can remember some peace that you have felt at some point,even if ever so briefly, since Scott passed. As far as guilt...oh friend...IF you could have ever imagined that Scott would not have been living...you would have gone. It was NEVER in our frame of reference before losing our sons....it ALWAYS happened to other people. Please forgive yourself...there was NO WAY for you to know. I think that IF you could forgive yourself there may be room for happiness in life. Have you ever talked to a counselor? And, if you did, did you talk about the guilt? You are a sister here...and we love you...Karen
deleted_user
deleted_user

Dear Ginger, I to have those moments when I can actually be lonely in a crowd. Yes, I\'m happy for those around me, but I\'m lonely I don\'t have what they have anymore. We can\'t live our lives behind closed doors, so we are always going to have moments of emptyness, sometimes just not so intense. My heart is with you. Hugs, Danette
BinkyH
BinkyH

Hi Ginger, we beat ourselves up in so many ways, for sure. I guess we each just need to deal with the deaths of our children in any way that we can. I mean, I have no grandkids, no husband, no home and I struggle each day to just survive. But my pain is no less than yours. I know what you mean about ending the pain. But I know that I cannot inflict further pain on my one remaining child. I will pray for us all. Hugs, B
momjmc
momjmc

I don\'t think I can ever forgive myself for so many things... Don\'t know how I stumbled onto your journal here but after reading it, and Teri\'s response... Couldn\'t get through the other ones through my tears.... OMG I have so much work to do... Focus on your grandchild\'s arrival... CONGRATULATIONS! Let us know when she arrives.