DEPRESSION REIGNS AGAIN!!!
May 14: I went to a graduation ceremony at the high school where all my "boys" graduated. Only one of my sons actually participated in the ceremony. Scott was not one of them, by choice. This ceremony was for Adam's girlfriend. I would not have gone, otherwise. Anyway, I cried through the first part. All those young lives....and my son is gone! Every mother I see enjoying time with ALL her children makes me so sad. No, I don't want her to know this pain. I just wish I didn't know it. But, I do.
A DS "friend" sent me a message saying how he has found his son not breathing, eyes rolled back, etc. His son, thank GOD, is still alive. However, as much as the message was well meaning, it made me feel even more guilty for not going in to check on Scott when I heard the "funny" breath. I will NEVER forgive myself. Perhaps, if I had gone in, he would be alive. But, I thought, I will be waking him in an hour or so.... Well, obviously, I would never awaken him. He died. My selfishness. I didn't want to deal with him messed up. I wanted to let him sleep it off as long as possible. Now, he is forever "sleeping it off!" I am haunted and guilt ridden each and every day!
I am struggling to stay alive. I fail to see the point. And yet, I do not want to inflict any more pain on my family. I just don't care about living. It is a daily struggle. But, do I want my life to end? Or, do I just want the pain to end? I don't see one without the other.
I just don't get this..I have things that are amazing in my life. My first grandchild is due any time. (girl) I have Adam and Chris. I have a husband that loves me. I have amazing friends. I have a home. I struggle financially but don't go hungry or do without what I truly need. How does losing a child make all those things hide in the shadows? How do I learn to lean toward those positives instead of missing Scott so very much and resulting in my not really caring about anything? My grief seems to be the reigning authority over everything else. I don't understand.
I hate my life!
A DS "friend" sent me a message saying how he has found his son not breathing, eyes rolled back, etc. His son, thank GOD, is still alive. However, as much as the message was well meaning, it made me feel even more guilty for not going in to check on Scott when I heard the "funny" breath. I will NEVER forgive myself. Perhaps, if I had gone in, he would be alive. But, I thought, I will be waking him in an hour or so.... Well, obviously, I would never awaken him. He died. My selfishness. I didn't want to deal with him messed up. I wanted to let him sleep it off as long as possible. Now, he is forever "sleeping it off!" I am haunted and guilt ridden each and every day!
I am struggling to stay alive. I fail to see the point. And yet, I do not want to inflict any more pain on my family. I just don't care about living. It is a daily struggle. But, do I want my life to end? Or, do I just want the pain to end? I don't see one without the other.
I just don't get this..I have things that are amazing in my life. My first grandchild is due any time. (girl) I have Adam and Chris. I have a husband that loves me. I have amazing friends. I have a home. I struggle financially but don't go hungry or do without what I truly need. How does losing a child make all those things hide in the shadows? How do I learn to lean toward those positives instead of missing Scott so very much and resulting in my not really caring about anything? My grief seems to be the reigning authority over everything else. I don't understand.
I hate my life!
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