Depression hitting
So I know I'm depressed now. I think it's because of a couple of things. One is a vicious cycle of depression and work, and the other is over my sister's graduation. The vicious cycle of work and depression is that I don't want to go to work because I'm depressed, but the more unstable I seem at work the less they want to hire me. I want to be actually working soon, but with this depression I can't. I can't get out of bed some days. I was like that today. I did go for my walk, but that's all I did. Even cooking dinner was a pain in the butt, and I just baked it, the easiest thing to do. I slept most of the day, and I think I'm going to sleep well tonight. That's one good thing about me and depression.. it makes it easier to sleep. I just don't know what I need to do to snap out of this... I need to figure something out. I can't be in bed all the time. I know working (volunteering) is what I need to do, but I just don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing anything.
The other cause, like I was saying is my sister's graduation. She's getting her Psy.D, a Ph.D for psychology, and it's a big deal. She wants us all to be there for her graduation, but I don't know if I can make it. It's not only finances, but I'm scared as well. She is having a party afterward, and it's being planned by my stepmother. The mother of my abuser. This means that she will make him go to support my sister. I don't want to be around him at all. I know I'm supposed to be working on forgiving him, and when I can I try, but I'm not at a point right now where I would be able to see him and not totally break down. Not only that, I would be at the party almost all alone... I don't know my sister's friends and so the only ones there I would know would be my family. I don't know how the party is going to be, but I think that we will be expected to socialize, and I don't know if I can do that. I think I'm going to have to wait for this depression to break for me to really take stock and see what I can and can't do. This also puts pressure on me to forgive my stepbrother, which I don't need. I'm having enough trouble as it is trying to forgive him.
I guess I should be proud of myself for going on my walk today, but it's hard. I wanted to do 2 miles and I did 1.2 miles. My hips were hurting after walking that half so I turned around and headed home. I walked slow.. I wasn't trying to break any records today, just wanted to get out and do my walk. I hope that tomorrow I can get out there and do my long walk of 2.5 miles or more, but we will see. I don't know how my body is going to hold up. When I'm depressed, my body breaks down and aches more. I know tomorrow is going to be a struggle to do anything, and I'm going to need to push myself to get out. I have a long weekend for President's day, and so on Monday I need to go for another walk. I need to burn calories, since I''m gaining weight. That's my fault, though, for not wanting to cook healthy stuff. I baked chicken tonight, which is healthy, but I might do pizza tomorrow if I don't feel like cooking. I have a coupon for a free pizza and soda from Papa John's. I need to use it by March 4th. I just don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow.
I got a ton of sleep today. I went to bed around 10:30 last night and slept until 11am. Then I slept off and on from noon to 2, when I went for my walk. I came back home and lay down for a bit and probably slept some more as well. Around 4, I ate lunch and then went back to sleep. I slept off and on until 6, when I got up and made dinner. I've been up since then. I tried lying back down but I wasn't tired so I used the computer while dinner was cooking. I'm tired still, but it's depression tired. I know it's not as bad as it would be without the antidepressants, but it still sucks that I'm depressed. I wonder what else I can do to get over it. I've been getting sunlight, exercising, eating okay and taking my pills. What else do I need to do?
Food today was good... I was in my calorie range. I think I need to change it, though, since I'm gaining weight even while being in my calorie range. I think I need to eat like 1,300 calories a day rather than 1,500 since I weighed today at 228 pounds. It could be water retention, but I also binged on Chinese food in the middle of the night. So that might have something to do with that as well. I just wanted something to eat and it tasted so good that I didn't want to stop. I need to stop doing that.
The other cause, like I was saying is my sister's graduation. She's getting her Psy.D, a Ph.D for psychology, and it's a big deal. She wants us all to be there for her graduation, but I don't know if I can make it. It's not only finances, but I'm scared as well. She is having a party afterward, and it's being planned by my stepmother. The mother of my abuser. This means that she will make him go to support my sister. I don't want to be around him at all. I know I'm supposed to be working on forgiving him, and when I can I try, but I'm not at a point right now where I would be able to see him and not totally break down. Not only that, I would be at the party almost all alone... I don't know my sister's friends and so the only ones there I would know would be my family. I don't know how the party is going to be, but I think that we will be expected to socialize, and I don't know if I can do that. I think I'm going to have to wait for this depression to break for me to really take stock and see what I can and can't do. This also puts pressure on me to forgive my stepbrother, which I don't need. I'm having enough trouble as it is trying to forgive him.
I guess I should be proud of myself for going on my walk today, but it's hard. I wanted to do 2 miles and I did 1.2 miles. My hips were hurting after walking that half so I turned around and headed home. I walked slow.. I wasn't trying to break any records today, just wanted to get out and do my walk. I hope that tomorrow I can get out there and do my long walk of 2.5 miles or more, but we will see. I don't know how my body is going to hold up. When I'm depressed, my body breaks down and aches more. I know tomorrow is going to be a struggle to do anything, and I'm going to need to push myself to get out. I have a long weekend for President's day, and so on Monday I need to go for another walk. I need to burn calories, since I''m gaining weight. That's my fault, though, for not wanting to cook healthy stuff. I baked chicken tonight, which is healthy, but I might do pizza tomorrow if I don't feel like cooking. I have a coupon for a free pizza and soda from Papa John's. I need to use it by March 4th. I just don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow.
I got a ton of sleep today. I went to bed around 10:30 last night and slept until 11am. Then I slept off and on from noon to 2, when I went for my walk. I came back home and lay down for a bit and probably slept some more as well. Around 4, I ate lunch and then went back to sleep. I slept off and on until 6, when I got up and made dinner. I've been up since then. I tried lying back down but I wasn't tired so I used the computer while dinner was cooking. I'm tired still, but it's depression tired. I know it's not as bad as it would be without the antidepressants, but it still sucks that I'm depressed. I wonder what else I can do to get over it. I've been getting sunlight, exercising, eating okay and taking my pills. What else do I need to do?
Food today was good... I was in my calorie range. I think I need to change it, though, since I'm gaining weight even while being in my calorie range. I think I need to eat like 1,300 calories a day rather than 1,500 since I weighed today at 228 pounds. It could be water retention, but I also binged on Chinese food in the middle of the night. So that might have something to do with that as well. I just wanted something to eat and it tasted so good that I didn't want to stop. I need to stop doing that.
Replies
hun, i am very sorry reading this. depressionis so debilatating, i know, been there done that, take many meds, and sometimes still get a breakthrough depression. my psych. always reminds me of how bad i was when i first started seeing him, i was in and out of the hospital, op therapy etc..., though he doesnt minizme what i feel. the winter time i think is bad for everyone, esp. for those that suffer with depression, i think you did great by getting out yesterday and walking, who cares for how long or how fast, you got out and got fresh air, i believe one of the best things. even though you are still down you are thinking positive and ahead by wanting to try walking longer today, i see that as a step toward getting better. exercise for me, is crucial for many things. do not feel bad about your binge, you were craving comfort and i too have always turned to food, now im in another predicament we all seek comfort one way or another and you will lose again, you gained when on vacation and you lost it, try and not let this bring you down any further.working while depressed is very hard and i got a wake up call from my boss, my current one, when she told me i was her worst employee ever hired, wow! however, that made me really think and realize that i needed more help and it was the time i went into full day out patient therapy for 8 weeks. they were veruy supportive, afraid i would lose my job, and now, i am depended on. so, it can happen, but you do what you can right now and can you seek out some therapy? i know it costs, but i feel it is so worth it, do you have insurance. i dont think one can do this alone, we all need help. wow, what a long winded comment. hugss
Sending HUGS to you! I like Ann\'s comments.