Depression hits
The depression that I've known was coming hit today. It hit pretty hard this afternoon, but I'm feeling a bit better now. I know it's not over yet, I just have to figure out this schedule. If I'm going to be depressed in the afternoon and okay at night, I think I might change my sleeping schedule to where I'm awake when I'm feeling good. I also didn't have my coffee today, which I was supposed to have to give me energy and make me get out of bed, but when I woke up I felt like I didn't need it. I'm going to make sure and have it tomorrow, just to get myself back into a routine and get some energy.
I have to go back to the clinic tomorrow to get my PPD read- it's negative. I don't know if they can even see where they gave me the shot it's flat and I don't bruise easily. I haven't ever had a positive TB test, so it's nothing new. I was around a person who had non-active TB when I worked in the hospital lab, but I've had PPD's since then and they've all been negative as well.
I think I'm avoiding why I'm depressed. I think I should focus on this depression and what's causing it. The other day I knew we were going to get hit by a hurricane this year and that was going to spell the end of Geo and I, no matter what, but I think that was just the depression clouding my judgement. We could get hit by a hurricane this year, no doubt, but Geo and I have been through hard times and we can get through this. I think I'm trying to sabotage my relationship with him again. I didn't know it was that time of year already. Every year (or a couple times a year) I try and wreck everything that Geo and I have built together. I don't know why I do it, but it sucks for both of us. I love him and want to be with him, but it's so hard on me sometimes to be in a functional relationship just waiting for the dysfunction to hit. So the depression could be tied into Geo and my relationship.
It kinda makes sense, though, because when I asked myself the other day why I was depressed I got the answer "because you know what's coming." That could be tied into the depression thinking that Geo and I are going to break up, the hurricane I think is coming, and stress from bills. I figured out that I'm stressed because of my stupid college loans. I have $50,000 in loans (I went to USC) and with disability, they don't go away. They could garnish my checks by like $150. I need to figure out once I get my checks and see what I can pay if that's something that I can handle. I know they are only allowed to take a certain percentage of your check, since you do need stuff to live on, but it's still really stressful trying to figure out what to do. I thought that if I was disabled, that my student loans would be put on hold, but I guess I'm not that kind of disabled. I think I need to look into it more. There are many things that are stressing me out that I'm ignoring- like our old car. It's in the impound lot, and for all I care they can keep it, but they might be adding to our bill until we turn in the title. I think the best thing I can do for my stress is to look into this stuff and get the actual facts instead of lying in bed at night worried about what might happen.
Mood/Stress/Sleep- Stress I covered above, mood is bad because of the depression, and I got 8 hours of broken sleep last night plus a 2 hour nap.
Food: I had macos for breakfast, some spaghetti and a Greek yogurt for lunch, some black beans for a snack and regular dinner. I'm low on calories again, but I don't know if I can bear to eat more right now. I don't want to eat and then feel like crap for eating and have to fight the temptation to purge.
I have to go back to the clinic tomorrow to get my PPD read- it's negative. I don't know if they can even see where they gave me the shot it's flat and I don't bruise easily. I haven't ever had a positive TB test, so it's nothing new. I was around a person who had non-active TB when I worked in the hospital lab, but I've had PPD's since then and they've all been negative as well.
I think I'm avoiding why I'm depressed. I think I should focus on this depression and what's causing it. The other day I knew we were going to get hit by a hurricane this year and that was going to spell the end of Geo and I, no matter what, but I think that was just the depression clouding my judgement. We could get hit by a hurricane this year, no doubt, but Geo and I have been through hard times and we can get through this. I think I'm trying to sabotage my relationship with him again. I didn't know it was that time of year already. Every year (or a couple times a year) I try and wreck everything that Geo and I have built together. I don't know why I do it, but it sucks for both of us. I love him and want to be with him, but it's so hard on me sometimes to be in a functional relationship just waiting for the dysfunction to hit. So the depression could be tied into Geo and my relationship.
It kinda makes sense, though, because when I asked myself the other day why I was depressed I got the answer "because you know what's coming." That could be tied into the depression thinking that Geo and I are going to break up, the hurricane I think is coming, and stress from bills. I figured out that I'm stressed because of my stupid college loans. I have $50,000 in loans (I went to USC) and with disability, they don't go away. They could garnish my checks by like $150. I need to figure out once I get my checks and see what I can pay if that's something that I can handle. I know they are only allowed to take a certain percentage of your check, since you do need stuff to live on, but it's still really stressful trying to figure out what to do. I thought that if I was disabled, that my student loans would be put on hold, but I guess I'm not that kind of disabled. I think I need to look into it more. There are many things that are stressing me out that I'm ignoring- like our old car. It's in the impound lot, and for all I care they can keep it, but they might be adding to our bill until we turn in the title. I think the best thing I can do for my stress is to look into this stuff and get the actual facts instead of lying in bed at night worried about what might happen.
Mood/Stress/Sleep- Stress I covered above, mood is bad because of the depression, and I got 8 hours of broken sleep last night plus a 2 hour nap.
Food: I had macos for breakfast, some spaghetti and a Greek yogurt for lunch, some black beans for a snack and regular dinner. I'm low on calories again, but I don't know if I can bear to eat more right now. I don't want to eat and then feel like crap for eating and have to fight the temptation to purge.
Replies
depression at times is like walking on eggshels, or waiting for the other shoe to drop. you do ok a day or 2 then boom your rock bottom. stress and dwelling on events that may or may not happen i think are contribting to your depression. finances are another awful problem, causin stress anxiety and deoression. i have finical difficulties myself and it is so hard. have you been losing weight. eating not many calories isnt healthy as we all know, could you try and drink an ensure ? hope today is better.
Ann- Ensure is a good idea... I want to get a protein shake thing once I get some money so I can get more protein... I\'m getting \"enough\" per Spark People, but I would like to have more just because I\'m always at the bottom of where I should be.