Depression and Anger
I have been dealing a lot with suicidal thoughts lately... Not so much the act, but the thoughts of this as a possibility. It disturbs me because I made a conscious choice that I was not going to follow that course of action back in February. I would do everything I could to save my own life, leave, travel, go back to school, get pregnant, start a family, date other people, get healthy, love and respect ME. I vowed I would do anything for my own happiness.
When I returned to my ex, I felt I had to take a close look ONE LAST TIME to make sure I wasn't missing out on the love of my life (the person I thought he was at one point). It is clear that while he was a soulmate of mine, he will not be it for me. Yes, I loved him deeply... More than deeply, I gave up my own life for his! I realize now that was a mistake... What do I, or anybody, have left to give once you have given away all of your self to someone else? Of course I became empty, bitter angry... And I became someone I didn't even recognize.
I let my own dreams slip through my fingers, and when he left, which he invariably left (even thought this time I left him.. It was like the him that was trying had already departed), I was left with the shell of who I had become. Empty, broken, with nothing left to give anyone, let alone myself.
I read here all the time about people being tired, not having energy to do something... And they don't time to the abuse. To the fact that we have been sucked dry, and that so much of our lives has been spent pleasing other people that we know longer know how to please ourselves.
It is a long road back to claiming our selves- rediscovering new/old interests, re-inventing ourselves into an image that we like, and fleshing out the person we are becoming with fresh perspectives, new experiences, new friends- whole new lives in other words.
Our abusers move on quickly because they do not have to do this. They do not have to rebuild their sense of self-esteem, their jobs, friendships and rediscover what they enjoy- because they were never lost. Everyone else was expected to cater to them, and we are left hollow empty shells in their wake. They took their identity from us, from shifting and shaping the person that we are into the person they desire to be. They take our compassion and kindness, our passion for our lives (most of us, I feel, are very passionate people), our hope for our futures and pervert it into their own, until it becomes so twisted, so shattered that they must discard it and we are left cleaning up their mess...
I realize now, that is the reason they leave, because we have nothing left to give. They are like parasites, sucking blood from victim to victim, coming back when they realize we have begun to restock ourselves, to rebuild our identity, to hope and dream... And they suck and suck, if I let him.
I realize now in many of my posts, in many of my responses, I am talking about me, my experiences with abuse, with M. I am shattered and ashamed that my trying to help was actually about myself... When so many posters need it to be about them, because it has always been about somebody else.
I have to regain my compassion. And it starts here, now, within myself.
When I returned to my ex, I felt I had to take a close look ONE LAST TIME to make sure I wasn't missing out on the love of my life (the person I thought he was at one point). It is clear that while he was a soulmate of mine, he will not be it for me. Yes, I loved him deeply... More than deeply, I gave up my own life for his! I realize now that was a mistake... What do I, or anybody, have left to give once you have given away all of your self to someone else? Of course I became empty, bitter angry... And I became someone I didn't even recognize.
I let my own dreams slip through my fingers, and when he left, which he invariably left (even thought this time I left him.. It was like the him that was trying had already departed), I was left with the shell of who I had become. Empty, broken, with nothing left to give anyone, let alone myself.
I read here all the time about people being tired, not having energy to do something... And they don't time to the abuse. To the fact that we have been sucked dry, and that so much of our lives has been spent pleasing other people that we know longer know how to please ourselves.
It is a long road back to claiming our selves- rediscovering new/old interests, re-inventing ourselves into an image that we like, and fleshing out the person we are becoming with fresh perspectives, new experiences, new friends- whole new lives in other words.
Our abusers move on quickly because they do not have to do this. They do not have to rebuild their sense of self-esteem, their jobs, friendships and rediscover what they enjoy- because they were never lost. Everyone else was expected to cater to them, and we are left hollow empty shells in their wake. They took their identity from us, from shifting and shaping the person that we are into the person they desire to be. They take our compassion and kindness, our passion for our lives (most of us, I feel, are very passionate people), our hope for our futures and pervert it into their own, until it becomes so twisted, so shattered that they must discard it and we are left cleaning up their mess...
I realize now, that is the reason they leave, because we have nothing left to give. They are like parasites, sucking blood from victim to victim, coming back when they realize we have begun to restock ourselves, to rebuild our identity, to hope and dream... And they suck and suck, if I let him.
I realize now in many of my posts, in many of my responses, I am talking about me, my experiences with abuse, with M. I am shattered and ashamed that my trying to help was actually about myself... When so many posters need it to be about them, because it has always been about somebody else.
I have to regain my compassion. And it starts here, now, within myself.
Replies
Please don\'t beat yourself up about your posts and responses. What I have discovered in my own journey is that we all need to be MORE selfish, not less. We need to show our compassion to ourselves as much as to others. And that we help others by helping ourselves.
Much of my own healing has come from putting my perspective on the struggles of others, through the board and through their journals. Putting your own perspective and your own story helps others to feel less alone, less \"odd\" and less \"crazy\". It helps others to know they are not imagining things, blowing things out of proportion, or any of the other things we routinely tell ourselves in situations of abuse. You also may help others see their own situation a little differently.
Just by taking the time to respond to people on the board, you are showing compassion. You have not lost your compassion at all, from what I can see based on what you write. Perhaps you are just struggling with the concept that you also deserve your compassion?