depression

I don't know if it's like a birthday post partum type thing.

But I woke this morning, feeling fine. I wanted to sleep a heck of a lot more

after coming home late from having drinks and dinner with my godson Felix last night. It was a nice time

and we really opened up with each other. He's a good kid.

So after waking, showering and dressing -this morning - I came down to church

to help out with the campers' meal prep and chores.

I was so open after last night and recent journals (I suppose that's why this next part happened)

but I didn't hold myself together - I didn't filter - I guess I was unprotected -

and I just kept working away and I found myself falling into a depression

and a sense of powerlessness. The nuns and parishioners can be so positive

and upbeat and I was having a hard time matching that energy - 

I took a beat and admitted to myself I was feeling bad. I thought about  the nature of 

it and I reconciled that others' feel depressed at times too. It was kind of

isolating to feel so down around all those positive people -I felt more sympatico for depression

in others - but I knew I had

to just somehow shake it off as well as I could - though it was more about just sucking it up

- to keep on keeping on - keep self responsible

and in some way, somehow, I knew it would change. I didn't feel well but

again...keep on keeping on. The work dragged on and I finally got out of there

around 1pm. I thought about the mood I had and it reminded me of how I used to be

in my early twenties. Depressive for sure. In fact one person (a friend of the family) told me

at one point "You were meant to be depressed." Not a very helpful or kind thing to say.

But today I thought about how usually I try and keep self responsible and when I am,

I am usually positive and upbeat as a result. I wondered if depression is my natural state?

As the work dragged on - I just became sadder and sadder - really just weary and bored

the little remaining happiness i had in me from the morning - was become more and more smeared

with sadness (was it post birthday partum?)

but I knew to follow through with my work. I thought about my Dad. I know he suffers

from a down mood sometimes - but he never lets on - the only way I know about this is

that he has mentioned that 'when hope returns...the day becomes joyous!" - He never lets on

that he is down - he's always upbeat - such a hero!

So I did my work and then came up to my room/cell and Blue cried out for me as usual from the top of the stairs

- God I am so grateful for him and I love him so much.

I thought about too my mental pattern. When I feel upset or down or moody - whenever - I tend to think

about life - the nature of it - and then my own experience and then write about it here. That was pointed out

to me and it has really given me insight into the way I function on a different level.

I'm resting now and slowly feeling better. I do need to remember to be self responsible

but again contact with others is really crucial too. The visiting Hieromonk who is staying across the hall

just gave me candies from Moldova

for my birthday. Sweet guy! That brightened me up! Blue is calling me now.

Got to go. Have a happy weekend!