dental warfare ll, the sequel

lots of sweet gentle hugs to ya'll.  finally made it out of bed.........wow. day two after the dentist is a date with PEM.  slept all day.  headache continues to hold on tight........."please release me let me go"........an oldie my Dad used to love.
give me another day or two and i'll be back up and running a little better.  right now i'm miniaturized non action Barbie --- trapped on some fly paper. 
do ya'll remember those things? they were small paper cylinders that held sticky swirling paper twirling down from the ceiling......a flying critter would pass by and sssssssszzzzzzap.  permanently trapped.   I grew up in a really small town and everybody had those gooey little twirly fly catchers hanging somewhere.......gives me the girl weeblie shudders in my spine.  right now truth be told, i'm too tired to care that i'm trapped as long as it is safe and i can close my eyelids. 
i think my eyelids weigh 16 tons. wonder where the nearest truck weigh station is?  do you think they would lock me up first and then ask questions or just duct tape my silly little mouth and help me into a straight jacket?  it's Georgia, duct tape goes with everything...............lol.  wal-mart here sells decorative duct tape, not even kidding.  camouflage duct tape......for example.  simply loverly.......there is a product for every demographic.
God and I talk about my complaints......yes, like living alone, about the "fairness of it all act"(small chuckle), about stuff that seems too hard.  I am always learning to have gratitude, a new appreciation for many things. Sometimes I feel so low, feel like I'm redefining blue.......we all have our days, our times of struggle.  It's all par for the course.  Right now we, the Lord & I, are having a quick side meeting about whichever neighbor it is that is banging and hammering over and over again on his house.  He says thou shalt not kill, but tying up noisy neighbors is a creative restraint that may help until your head feels better........ok, no God didn't say that, I'm amending the commandments, busted.
somebody write me a simple song about living in the moment please.  how to, to remember to, to be glad to......live in the moment.
Yesterday at some point I nose INSISTED on a change of cat litter. My back complained LOUDLY & w/ FERVOR, I expected no less.  I put trash in the garage. (used one delicately slipper clad foot to push it across the room perched in my rolling chair) ....... put dishes away, put dirty dishes in the dishwasher.  I washed some clothes. 
scrambled some eggs. settled myself on the couch and waited for the spasms in my back to simmer down.  My dentist is very nice, takes the time to check on how I am doing, to reassure me......he is very thoughtful and kind.  This aversion for dentistry is IN MY HEAD, I have no real basis to be so afraid.  When you are in the chair you are almost literally lying on your neck and head ---- my whole spine is seriously ticked off. So there is the dental fear which is one thing I work on by talking myself through it, to breathe, to release the death grip on the chair arm rests.  To let the tension go so that it doesn't build in my shoulders, head and neck.  These are things I CAN DO to help myself.
I can't stop the reality of post exertional malaise after any activity.  It is always gonna happen, it is the way it is.......better to prepare, to roll with it.  For example the doc handed me the script for the microbial mouth rinse to heal my tender gums and relieve the swelling.  I didn't have it together enough to drive to the pharmacy and wait.  My mouth is swollen and numb, I'm drooling......got the hives thing going on.   I told him the reality, it would take me a week to get the script. When I feel crummy I feel less EVERYTHING.  I don't feel girl scouty, resourceful or prepared. So he said he would call it in.  PERFECT.  I could drive there and pick it right up.  When you are hurting and flaring/either or both/ do you find that you just don't snap to and do stuff easy peasy?  i don't........i can type and come up with creative stuff out of thin air sometimes, but in real time standing there i got nuttin.  nuttin at all.  i'm blank cause i'm a hurtin' gert. 
I did not do some of the other things I wanted to, but I did some things.  Good on me.  Good job.  That's what is important.  Not what is undone, but what got done........remember that ok?  Remember that you are amazing to be able to push past it just enough to handle the necessities and be glad, have a small party.....even if your eyes are closed.....allow yourself a small happy I did it moment.
But later I thought........I did everything half way.  I felt bad, I built on that with as many bad thoughts as I could cram and bully into my tender little cranium.  How mean am I? 
And then I wallowed in it and started to cry.  I don't seem to be a very successful crying person.  My eyes turn red, feel like grit......my face gets puffy and my head hurts even more.  It is not a very cathartic thing for me most of the time.  It is a big physical discomfort.  My body is hyper sensitive to tears,  the tears are white......salty......odd.  Been that way ever since I got sick.  Remind me of the salt spray from the ocean.......nobody seems to know why. So I try to never cry for long..........this IS on my unfair list by the way........God helps me so much, with love, with patience.......by helping me to see things in a different light........
It was a bad spell there for a bit......I thought about how alone I was, how Alone I felt, how ALONE it was in this house.........and I gotta tell you, that is not the way to go. I/we have choices.  I can choose to dwell on and wallow in the mire of adversity.  I can choose to let it go and walk down another path.  To overcome adversity by living in the moment.  If I am sad then be sad, but then give equal time to better thoughts......if I do that, I feel better, I want to try some OT and it helps.   I can choose from a selection of negative and positive thoughts.  If I go negative my emotions follow suit.  If I go positive my emotions feel better.  I can recalibrate by stepping back and observing myself........
I can say ok sweetie, i think you can try for a shower now.  or i think you need to wait, but try again in a half hour.  i can put on some loose comfy clothes, put my trash in the trunk of my car and back it down that hill for tomorrow's trash p/u.  i can get my mail.  i can do these things in care of me.  when i'm in a tough flare i can lose a lot of days, but i have always come back to myself.  i have always been blessed to return to my thoughts, to many things that I treasure.......to be able to write, to read, to have all of the five senses.  Is it about what I cannot or about what I can? small goals, small steps, and lots of scheduled rest stops.
when i do these things i feel better.  i feel more content, because i am in the moment.  i'm all in.  when i can't i can't, but when i can try i  do.....when i make it i am joyous.
I do not grieve the career I will never have as a biochemist or a brain surgeon or an astronaut.  I don't wake up every day and chastise myself because I am not a famous concert pianist or a coloratura.  I don't bully myself because I cannot fell giant trees like a real life Paul Bunyan or because I cannot plow acres and acres of land like Farmer John........I don't even think about those things in the normal course of a day because they are not my bailiwick.  I don't beat myself up for what I used to do, that is not who I am.  Yes, sometimes I miss it, God is healing the hurt.  My career was a big part of my identity......and it was a big adjustment.  Now I think that God wanted me to leave that path a long time ago to pursue more creative endeavors but the stubborn independent minded varmint that I was.....wouldn't have it, I would put my hands over my ears and hum loudly........I was an eejit.  I did what I thought was best and put God on DND (do not disturb).
God is here with me.......he has helped me create a sanctuary in this place.  This small home on a hill amidst the trees way out in the country.........is a place of warmth and safety, a blessed place.......a place where HE dwells.  You can feel Him in the Breeze.......you can feel Him in the Sun........and in this small Home.......He is Here.  He has his eye on the Sparrow, He is a Promise Keeper.  He has provided me with this place & with ways to be on my own.  Creative ways and the means to manage and navigate. Sometimes it is more challenging that other days.......that is true for anyone. 
I am such a migglewort....some days I feel all kinds of sorry for me, but I have a faith that is bigger than my fear, bigger than the alone, bigger than the sorrow that tries to steal my joy.  In November of 2010 I sat at this very computer and typed in exactly what I told God I sought......I typed two words "Daily Strength" and how perfect was his answer???????????  I marvel at the way God seamlessly blends in every time and season.  He led me right to this place of outreach for support and friendship and support.  He answered me ASAP and I found ya'll.  I think that is pretty much in the everyday miracle category........that day I was feeling so lost, so alone and so dejected...........and look what God did.....road map direct to DS.  Pretty cool huh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
 God wants me to cherish what I am, what I can, he wants me to seek perspective each day based on this little light he provided that shines, the gifts he gave me .......like ya'll.  and to LIVE IN THE MOMENT. So Tired now..........wish ya'll were here, we would open the frig and make surprise dinner pie.  no clue what it is gonna be tonight, probably end up being 3 minute soup.......and I have jello. 
Sweet light delicious jello.......yummmmmmm.  I made it on Sunday, mixed a box of cherry with a box of strawberry and it is red wiggly goodness.  If there is something terrible about jello please do not tell me, just shake your head and call me an idiot behind my back.  Laughter is the best medicine........!!!  Blessings and hugs!  xoxoxoxooxoxoxox