Denial
I think I am so used to the chaos that dysfunctional relationships bring, so a healthy one is uncomfortably weird. What’s worse? Those who liked you better as an unhealthy toy to control or having to deal with their anger for disrupting their dynamics?
Confrontation is not my strongest quality, but things needed to be addressed. I could no longer live with this person without being real in my opinion towards her.This has taken away her manipulative control over me which has kept me ill. Her need to be the hero has cost me many years.
I never really understood co-dependency until I really started to question the motives of concern from her. I am in a “yuck” realization of her so called kindness to me, because the “yuck” is the fact that she abused me sexually as a child and is in complete denial. She thinks she has been a saint with me for my time of need for the present years, but now I cannot receive her facade type of concern. I look at her and I see flash backs. I feel fear and manipulation. So, how does she expect me to appreciate her actions today when she has not faced her actions when I was a child?
At this point in time she is accusing me of being ungrateful and unappreciated for what she has done for me recently and telling everybody what a bad person I am. I believe her motive to be kind to me now is possibly her way to receive atonement for her sick behavior in the past. Unfortunately, her attempt to appear to be right she is telling everybody about my wrong actions toward her. She’s angry, I’m the one who should be angry, because I was a child when she abused me and I never told anyone about her wrong doing.
It still never ceases to amaze me how people can twist the truth. The thing that breaks my heart the most is I would forgive her and move forward in our relationship, if she would just own up for what she did. How do you forgive an abuser when they will not accept their behavior?
Confrontation is not my strongest quality, but things needed to be addressed. I could no longer live with this person without being real in my opinion towards her.This has taken away her manipulative control over me which has kept me ill. Her need to be the hero has cost me many years.
I never really understood co-dependency until I really started to question the motives of concern from her. I am in a “yuck” realization of her so called kindness to me, because the “yuck” is the fact that she abused me sexually as a child and is in complete denial. She thinks she has been a saint with me for my time of need for the present years, but now I cannot receive her facade type of concern. I look at her and I see flash backs. I feel fear and manipulation. So, how does she expect me to appreciate her actions today when she has not faced her actions when I was a child?
At this point in time she is accusing me of being ungrateful and unappreciated for what she has done for me recently and telling everybody what a bad person I am. I believe her motive to be kind to me now is possibly her way to receive atonement for her sick behavior in the past. Unfortunately, her attempt to appear to be right she is telling everybody about my wrong actions toward her. She’s angry, I’m the one who should be angry, because I was a child when she abused me and I never told anyone about her wrong doing.
It still never ceases to amaze me how people can twist the truth. The thing that breaks my heart the most is I would forgive her and move forward in our relationship, if she would just own up for what she did. How do you forgive an abuser when they will not accept their behavior?
Replies
It sounds to me like confrontation might be a good idea. It doesn\'t have to be done in an angry, hateful way, but to tell someone directly that they cannot simply ignore the past without dealing with it is not a bad idea. Perhaps after that happens then a new relationship and appreciation might happen. Maybe not though. Got to be ready for whichever way it goes.
Thanks for sharing so freely and being so honest.
confront the abusers
I also think you should confront the abusers.
your feelings and concerns resonate with me, with various people in my life, although not all sexual abusers, some were verbally, emotionally, financially or physically abusive.
I can honestly say, that no one in my life has ever, like the 9th step of making amends, come back to me and admitted their faults and made amends to me. I agree, it is not possible to have an authentic relationship with someone where there is still this big rain cloud from the past hanging over you, threatening to erupt or reoccur.
Until we know that someone has acknowledged their wrong doing, and is truly sorry for it, and does not want to make excuses for themselves, blame us, or have an opportunity to repeat hurtful behaviors, I think, we are best off and safest emotionally to wish people well on their journey and turn away and walk ours in a separate direction, looking for people who do not demean us or minimize our painful experiences.
There are many people who are not in my life right now because of this very reason, total denial of their hurtful ways, blaming me for being too sensitive, a bitch, crazy, ....whatever. They don\'t understand. My goal is to learn not to hate them or judge them, at the same time I protect myself from further unaware assaults and insults from them.
I agree, the attempts to \"be helpful now\" are often how people try to make up for the past mistakes, but without an admission and an apology for the harm caused, all the \"help\" in the world just adds confusion, frustration. Then they used that to apply manipulative guilt that we are not grateful as another means of trying to control us and continue to doge the \"secrets\".
I wish I did not have people in my own life whom I now have cut out of my life. I had closed my heart to alot of people to self-protect. Now, I keep my physical distance, but I open my heart to prayer and mutual forgiveness, remembering the saying that we all are suffering our battles and hurting, and we all need kindness. So to take the angry poison out of me, I am opening my heart to pray for my enemies and perpetrators, ....but the front door of my house is still closed to their physical presence.
I am not going after them asking for them to honestly remember and acknolwedge and apologize. Unless it comes from a sincere desire from someone for our reconciliation, it is meaningless to me to force it.
This has also been a lesson to teach me how much I need to ask for willingness to become ready to understand my own faults, shortcomings, errors of my ways, and to willing to admit these to people I have hurt if I want to have any hopes of a genuinely better future together.
There are a few people in my immediate family whom I have been hurt by, that do not acknowledge or grudgingly make a minimal admission of errors that I have tolerated at a minimal level in my life, because it makes life easier for me not to have to work so hard to avoid them for the greater good of my whole family. I minimize my contact, dialogue and correspondence with these people out of my need for balance in my life, although, ideally, I would prefer never to be around them, I realize I am making a conscious choice so that I do not have to hide from them for every event that we both are invited to.
There are a couple people who I was hurt by who have never acknowledged it, and I see them still struggling and unable to get honest in their own lives, but trying very hard to do their best and make sense of the chaos of their lives, and I see the the attempts at them to do better. Although, preferably, I wish they would have the courage and strength and integrity to remember how their actions, words and attitudes were hurtful, to bring it up and apologize, and they do not do that, I have given them a grace pass for the time being because I see sincerity in their current efforts to make living amends, even though they don\'t have the courage or foresight to make amends for the past. I am doing this, because I, too am still a work in progress with making amends for my past errors, and i am trying to extend grace, the way I would hope to receive grace.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You really helped me to thing these similar issues through in my own experiences.
I pray that you get the strength, courage and support to take care of your needs, and receive the healing you are seeking.
Thank you everyone for your support in this issue.
love youall!