defeat.......or ?

another quiet day. like so many others. it's here, i'm here...........so what happens from this point forward?

i showered.......that's worth a life point or two.  cooked a meal, tidied the kitchen.....took meds, fed rio meo ....

the sun is out......a soft dappled sun, leaves are gently and continuously falling from the many oak trees.  the washing machine is chugging along.....

i'm here.  feeling defeated.  not a lot of fight or drive in me.  not a terrible day, not a day to complain.......it's just a day that feels wasted.  lean in i always say, lean in and surrender when you feel like crappy crud sweet pea.  lean in and rest.  lean in and let the world move around you.......

sometimes i wonder if i'm really here? if these little things i do in the self care lane matter......they always say life is about the people you love and the people who love you.  my phone rarely rings.....rarely has a message that anyone has called. other than a marketer. 

my life doesn't hold the kind of regular rhythm of human interaction that others have......so what does that mean?  what do i have? 

i go out to shops to run errands, have short conversations with strangers to sustain this reality.  occasionally i go to see the kids, but it's almost always self generated.  they don't regularly check in.......should they?  my heart says yes, reality says ha, nuh uh.......

pity? is this a stew pot of self pity then?  or just recognising the realities of my little tiny compartmentalized life?  what do i do to give back?  to give to the world?  so mentally dizzy from trying to decide if i'm doing what is right or if i'm simply a consumer now.  not all black and white.....never is.  don't throw yourself into an all or none tizzy........don't do that......it's too clifflike.  to much like dramaland.  don't do that.

i had a dream that energy could be derived from watching tv.  that tv viewing could revive us in a way that medicine cannot, revive us more than rest.......i suppose as this is a primary activity, it makes sense that a dream would take shape at night......when i'm not watching i'm often listening with my lids down........so perhaps this is the kind of hope that transcends during a dream like state.......

sometimes i wonder if my family is really those i see and hear on tv.  they are usually the ones i listen to after all........they tell me stories, provide companionship.......enlighten and sustain.  companionship..........yes, i've wondered if Rio should become a brother to a new kitty at some point.  but i continue to hestitate.......i just don't know if my body can take it on again.  my spirit says yes, my tired wonky self says chill out, do less.......

and yet, doesn't a pet keep me from devolving into a more amoeba like state?  yes, Rio is here, we're buds, but not bonded like Annie and I were.......rio is funny, entertaining, but bless his pea picking kitty heart......he doesn't know his own name.  not MIT bound ever, but still a good good kitty.  this thought is immediately followed by "you're too critical my girl, get over it....... you get to have a kitty......you have the option to take in another pet.  you have choices ....quite a few."

even though your ability to build close friendships has been at sea in real life......does that mean that it can't change going forward?

i wanted to call Debbie when Annie died......but based on past behavior I didn't know if she would call me back or not.  She has ignored other phone messages.....she invited me to do something and then completely blew me off.  Didn't call or anything......word is that when people show you who they are believe them. 

all the time knowing that debbie like bruce are two people i pay to help me..........i thought debbie was more of a friend than she is. since i can't know that she will call me back i pulled back.  when she asked about annie i told her annie was gone and left the room abruptly....she said she was sorry she didn't know       and i said how could you have known?  of course you would ask.......

i've wondered if i should clear the air, but i don't think she even knows that there is unclear air going on........she's too busy with her reality to realize that i counted on her........when she is here we talk about a lot of personal things......so that's how i thought we were friends.  it's confusing huh.

i'm not discounting us here.......not at all.  i hang my head cause so many times i sit here now and can't manage much of anything....no hugs, no reading, not much of anything.  i suck......other parts of me say hey.......don't forget about me.  remember me............don't go on so far ahead that you never look back.......i'm here, little turtle like me.......hiding mostly in my shell, in my room.......and today rolicking in a soft grassy bed of pity and defeat.

send some better days Lord.......grow a hope tree and sprinkle it's roots in my heart.......all around me on my land.......lift me up, even this smallest of sparrows........time to rest.  watch energytv......and pretend it's helping me feel better.  imagination is key.