Deepest Shame and Guilt

Today, I spoke with the TDoc about my greatest shame and guilt. I finally broke down and told her near the end of the session. I never wanted to mention it or bring it up, but I make no sense without it. It needs to be put away in its box and locked away, never to be mentioned. She extended the session by about an hour to discuss. She wrote down quite a bit about what happened and the source of my shame. She writes too much about what I say. I need to say less, protect myself, and keep myself safe. This shame is something that changed my life but was just such a little insignificant thing, but it diverted my life entirely. I think about it daily, and it affects me continually. I can't sleep at night because of this. She asked if I was OK; she is asking again about suicide. I think about it a great deal, but I have not decided. I leave that option open. Now the TDoc wants to see me again tomorrow, on a Sat and just one day after my last visit. I dread that meeting tomorrow. She will want to talk about anything else. So the TDoc is bringing me on a Sat. I have to be screwed up pretty much to require two meetings in a week. So that is it; it is out of the box to continue to screw up my life.