Deep Down I Knew It, But I Couldn't Get Her To Admit It!
About eight or nine months ago I got a phone call while at my MIL's. It was my own mum so I went into a bedroom and shut the door. She then proceeded to tell me that Danny and my little sister had gotten into a fight, they had been a couple for about six months by then, and he had hit her, the neighbours called the cops, and she had a bruise on her cheek. She just wanted me to hear it from her first. At the time they were living in a city a few hours away from us, on Danny's insistance.
Immediatley after I hung up, my little sister, Tilly, called. She and I had a sort of argument. I was furious. She told me repeatedly that she had swung first, they were fighting over something stupid, he was defending himself (my sister has a fair amount of muscle) and that it was a one time thing. The cops didn't charge him and he returned home to her and her son(not his). I demanded to talk to him, then proceeded to call him a coward, a waste of skin, a sorry excuse for a man. I told him if he ever touched her again I would castrate him.
Mature. I know. But I was literally seeing red.
Fast forward eight or nine months and they are living back here. He hasn't held a job for longer then two weeks in all that time. He has had literally over 30 differernt jobs. She works full time, pays all the bills. He sits on his ass at home. She pays a sitter to watch her son because Danny doesn't much care about things like feeding him when he is alone with him. My little sister got a new laptop, and she was so proud of it, and they got in a fight and he broke it. Three weeks after she got it. He grabbed it and threw it as hard as he could on the floor. They live in a cruddy little house, visiting the foodbank as much as allowed so her son can eat. He amassed over $1000 in photo radar tickets before she finally refused to let him drive her car. That's right, her car, she had to pay the tickets.
Last night we went out for a bachlorette party. She had had a few drinks, I bought her a few because she couldn't afford too drink. It takes me waaaay more then four drinks to even get tipsy, so I didn't think much about how much she was drinking.
But then we were talking and she let it slip.
Danny has hit her about twelve times since then. And I knew it. Deep down, I knew it. You don't hit a woman once then never again. And I let myself be duped into ignorance because, what, it was easier?
She told me that she had begged our mother not to tell me. Am I such a monster that I was kept in the dark???
Alot of things started to make sense. About two months ago we invited them over for supper. Last minute she called and cancelled. I guess he gave her a black eye and she didn't want to have to explain it to me. On her sons second birthday, she set up a pool in her kitchen (she had promised a pool party and it was too cold outside!) but she wore pants into the pool. Wet up to her knees. She told me she had no shorts clean. But then about half hour later offered me shorts if I wanted to get in. Obviously forgetting. But I didn't think much of it. I guess he had left fingerprints on her calfs because she was trying to run up the stairs and he was grabbing at her legs to catch her.
I don't feel that mad. I feel angry mostly at myself. Why did I just let it slip through the cracks in my life. I should of caught all of this. All of it!!!
And my nephew, her son. He just turned two. The things he must hear...and see.
I told her to pack her stuff and come stay at my house. Tell him to leave when she has back up. She has been trying to break up with him for months. But he either blatantly ignores her or he leaves then comes back at stupid oclock in the morning. I told her to come to us. If he even knocked on my door....I dunno. I would want to knock him out, but I couldn't, the rational part of me knows that's not going to make it go away, or better. I would probably phone the cops, while trying to hold Joey back. I told her she could stay with us for as long as it took. I would watch her son on days I didn't work, so that she could pay the sitter less and save up to move where he can't find her.
However, a bar isn't the best place to talk. And it ended with an 'I'll think about it.'
And then tonight, her facebook status says she is sad but it was the right thing. So I commented. It's too late to call her, I'll wake up her son. But I don't want her to go at this alone...if she finally got serious about ending it with him, I want to support her. But at the same time, she didn't even want me to know. Maybe she doesn't want my support.
She used to come to me with everything. Seriously. We would sit down and I would show her how to budget her money. Boys, life's problems. She would call me if she had a dilemma that involved the tiniest thing. And it was like this, up until Danny entered the picture. Then she slowed down, and I figured she was hashing out lifes mysteries with him. Then the first beating happened, and I ripped into him. And contact between us ceased for almost three months. And then she started hanging out with me agian, and telling me little things. But nothing monumental.
I don't understand why she would hide this from me. I would of understood, I would of helped!! There's this big stupid story in the family, when I was 17 I got mixed up with an older guy. Lied to my mum about where I was staying one night and camped at his place. He wanted to have sex....duh me...and I said no. He tried to hit me, I ducked and clocked him in the face and ran. I called my mum from a payphone at 3am wearing my pjs. I had to come clean of course. But my mum wasn't as upset as I thought, and she always talks about how her daughter doesn't take any shit from anybody. Did she keep it a secret because she thought that I wouldn't get it?
I probably wouldn't really really get it, but I get enough of it. You can't choose who you love. I know that. And I know how hard it would be to leave. But..he beats her. Why? Why does love make it worth staying? Worth exposing her child to this?
I'm really wrapped up in knots about this. I'm sad, I'm angry, I feel like a failure as a sister. I don't even know what I should do next. Apparently my months of doing nothing just ended up in him hitting away. After I threatened him it took him almost two months to hit her again. And she wanted me to act like I didn't know if I saw him. Seriously?? I told her it would be best if she didn't bring him by then. But....I just...I just don't know!
Immediatley after I hung up, my little sister, Tilly, called. She and I had a sort of argument. I was furious. She told me repeatedly that she had swung first, they were fighting over something stupid, he was defending himself (my sister has a fair amount of muscle) and that it was a one time thing. The cops didn't charge him and he returned home to her and her son(not his). I demanded to talk to him, then proceeded to call him a coward, a waste of skin, a sorry excuse for a man. I told him if he ever touched her again I would castrate him.
Mature. I know. But I was literally seeing red.
Fast forward eight or nine months and they are living back here. He hasn't held a job for longer then two weeks in all that time. He has had literally over 30 differernt jobs. She works full time, pays all the bills. He sits on his ass at home. She pays a sitter to watch her son because Danny doesn't much care about things like feeding him when he is alone with him. My little sister got a new laptop, and she was so proud of it, and they got in a fight and he broke it. Three weeks after she got it. He grabbed it and threw it as hard as he could on the floor. They live in a cruddy little house, visiting the foodbank as much as allowed so her son can eat. He amassed over $1000 in photo radar tickets before she finally refused to let him drive her car. That's right, her car, she had to pay the tickets.
Last night we went out for a bachlorette party. She had had a few drinks, I bought her a few because she couldn't afford too drink. It takes me waaaay more then four drinks to even get tipsy, so I didn't think much about how much she was drinking.
But then we were talking and she let it slip.
Danny has hit her about twelve times since then. And I knew it. Deep down, I knew it. You don't hit a woman once then never again. And I let myself be duped into ignorance because, what, it was easier?
She told me that she had begged our mother not to tell me. Am I such a monster that I was kept in the dark???
Alot of things started to make sense. About two months ago we invited them over for supper. Last minute she called and cancelled. I guess he gave her a black eye and she didn't want to have to explain it to me. On her sons second birthday, she set up a pool in her kitchen (she had promised a pool party and it was too cold outside!) but she wore pants into the pool. Wet up to her knees. She told me she had no shorts clean. But then about half hour later offered me shorts if I wanted to get in. Obviously forgetting. But I didn't think much of it. I guess he had left fingerprints on her calfs because she was trying to run up the stairs and he was grabbing at her legs to catch her.
I don't feel that mad. I feel angry mostly at myself. Why did I just let it slip through the cracks in my life. I should of caught all of this. All of it!!!
And my nephew, her son. He just turned two. The things he must hear...and see.
I told her to pack her stuff and come stay at my house. Tell him to leave when she has back up. She has been trying to break up with him for months. But he either blatantly ignores her or he leaves then comes back at stupid oclock in the morning. I told her to come to us. If he even knocked on my door....I dunno. I would want to knock him out, but I couldn't, the rational part of me knows that's not going to make it go away, or better. I would probably phone the cops, while trying to hold Joey back. I told her she could stay with us for as long as it took. I would watch her son on days I didn't work, so that she could pay the sitter less and save up to move where he can't find her.
However, a bar isn't the best place to talk. And it ended with an 'I'll think about it.'
And then tonight, her facebook status says she is sad but it was the right thing. So I commented. It's too late to call her, I'll wake up her son. But I don't want her to go at this alone...if she finally got serious about ending it with him, I want to support her. But at the same time, she didn't even want me to know. Maybe she doesn't want my support.
She used to come to me with everything. Seriously. We would sit down and I would show her how to budget her money. Boys, life's problems. She would call me if she had a dilemma that involved the tiniest thing. And it was like this, up until Danny entered the picture. Then she slowed down, and I figured she was hashing out lifes mysteries with him. Then the first beating happened, and I ripped into him. And contact between us ceased for almost three months. And then she started hanging out with me agian, and telling me little things. But nothing monumental.
I don't understand why she would hide this from me. I would of understood, I would of helped!! There's this big stupid story in the family, when I was 17 I got mixed up with an older guy. Lied to my mum about where I was staying one night and camped at his place. He wanted to have sex....duh me...and I said no. He tried to hit me, I ducked and clocked him in the face and ran. I called my mum from a payphone at 3am wearing my pjs. I had to come clean of course. But my mum wasn't as upset as I thought, and she always talks about how her daughter doesn't take any shit from anybody. Did she keep it a secret because she thought that I wouldn't get it?
I probably wouldn't really really get it, but I get enough of it. You can't choose who you love. I know that. And I know how hard it would be to leave. But..he beats her. Why? Why does love make it worth staying? Worth exposing her child to this?
I'm really wrapped up in knots about this. I'm sad, I'm angry, I feel like a failure as a sister. I don't even know what I should do next. Apparently my months of doing nothing just ended up in him hitting away. After I threatened him it took him almost two months to hit her again. And she wanted me to act like I didn't know if I saw him. Seriously?? I told her it would be best if she didn't bring him by then. But....I just...I just don't know!
Replies
Don\'t beat yourself up over this. Good thing you bought her those drinks! Now you know the truth and she knows you are not going to judge her. The thing about abuse is women often feel guilty for it, as though they brought it on. And they feel the need to \"fix\" things and have a difficult time letting go wanting to prove to themselves that the man they love isn\'t an awful beast, because what kind of person loves a beast? Just do all you can to encourage and support her, and don\'t take on the responsibility of this. Honestly, your sister needs to open her eyes to see the truth so she can find the strength to leave......you have an open door for her and that is great.