Deep Breaths, I Guess

I am not feeling well at all. Yesterday, I decided to hang out with some friends of mine. I rarely drink, but we went balls to the wall and I ended up staying over because I couldn't drive. It was an awesome and fun time, but I woke up this morning with really weird vision and still the same pain in the front of my neck and swollen node.

I don't ever want to drink again. Not because of the hangover, but because I feel like it has made my HPPD worse now, too. Unless, it's not even HPPD and all of these symptoms I've been having are all related.

It has definitely raised my anxiety levels. Most of the day I surprisingly felt serene and at peace with everything that has been going on and I was sooo happy.  

Then, after a few hours passed by I got super extreme anxiety!!

I have been praying and talking with God all day asking Him to heal me. I've actually been praying a lot lately because I feel like He is the only way I am going to be fixed. I haven't gotten any better, but usually I do get a temporary feeling of relief and comfort, and I can feel that He is there with me.

But then my mind goes back at it again.

I don't feel well. I feel super blah, and I want to explode. I hate having this negative feeling. It sucks so bad. I don't know what is going on with my body. I wish I could just go to the doctor.

I signed up for health insurance, but I have to wait until October which is when it will activate. 

I am so anxious that I may have cancer or some super scary disease that needs immediate detection for the best survival rate. 

It's awful because I freaking love my life. I am so satisfied with how it's turning out!

BUT I can't shake any of these feelings or my anxiety. It takes the joy away from everything. I feel like I can't even be happy with the fact that I'm satisfied with my life. I still feel like ugh. Like there is some sort of doom waiting for me around the corner.

I am so concerned about what is happening inside my body and I am freaking out from extreme anxiety over this. Now I can't even go to the doctor for another - probably 20 - days!! I have read that anxiety only makes anything worse, but I cannot stop thinking about it and worrying. :( :( :( :( :( :(

I could really use some kind of anxiety medication at this point, but that is not possible because I can't see a doctor yet!!! OMG I'm so upset. I am stressing so so so so so so so so hard.