Decision Made...
Thanks for all who just let me vent....It is such a hard decision...but I have tried through the years...to feed my DIL ego...which seems what you have to do to keep her happy...
I have written letters many times...took the blame that I knew I didn't nothing wrong..yet I wanted a relationship with Ken and his family so I would do it (write letters), so we could remain visiting....
I have now come to a decision...For two years I have tired to keep the doors open...told her and the kids how much we love them...have invited them to any and all family thing as I did for 28 years while her and Ken were married....well, I feel that this past two years trying to keep things open between me and them has kept me from being able to move forward with my grieving for Ken...
For the last two years I have felt that keeping the family ties open is what he would and did want...but there comes to a point that when the door slams in your face over and over....that one has to step back and know that they have done all they could....
The night she decided to delete me as her friend..she had just wrote sweet notes...telling me we could talk on the 30th for Ken's 2 year anniversary...then I get on and she has deleted me...I think I got the message after that...
I know in my heart I have done the best I can do...I have tried hard to include her and the kids in everything...We have driven to visit when I hurt so bad riding in a car...
I know that it is time to back away...time to take care of me...Two years of trying should be enough...I feel I lost a son...I need to focus on grieving over the loss of him...she has managed to keep everything in turmoil since Ken's death....
So my decision is...it is now their's to come to me..if they want a relationship...I doubt I will ever hear from her...but I have given more than most would have after some of the things she did to my son during his illness....So as of now..until she makes some changes....it is best for me to let it go....
Thanks for caring...
Sandi
I have written letters many times...took the blame that I knew I didn't nothing wrong..yet I wanted a relationship with Ken and his family so I would do it (write letters), so we could remain visiting....
I have now come to a decision...For two years I have tired to keep the doors open...told her and the kids how much we love them...have invited them to any and all family thing as I did for 28 years while her and Ken were married....well, I feel that this past two years trying to keep things open between me and them has kept me from being able to move forward with my grieving for Ken...
For the last two years I have felt that keeping the family ties open is what he would and did want...but there comes to a point that when the door slams in your face over and over....that one has to step back and know that they have done all they could....
The night she decided to delete me as her friend..she had just wrote sweet notes...telling me we could talk on the 30th for Ken's 2 year anniversary...then I get on and she has deleted me...I think I got the message after that...
I know in my heart I have done the best I can do...I have tried hard to include her and the kids in everything...We have driven to visit when I hurt so bad riding in a car...
I know that it is time to back away...time to take care of me...Two years of trying should be enough...I feel I lost a son...I need to focus on grieving over the loss of him...she has managed to keep everything in turmoil since Ken's death....
So my decision is...it is now their's to come to me..if they want a relationship...I doubt I will ever hear from her...but I have given more than most would have after some of the things she did to my son during his illness....So as of now..until she makes some changes....it is best for me to let it go....
Thanks for caring...
Sandi
Replies
It takes two people to make a friendship, if she isn\'t willing nothing you do will make it happen. I truly understand your dilemma because mine is so very similar. My DIL -- Jason\'s wife -- has deleted me as a friend on FB a long time ago. I just pretend I never noticed. My worry is not being able to see Athena if I don\'t keep holding out the olive branch. I know you have the same problem with your grandkids. I wish I had the wisdom to say whether it is right or wrong to stop trying, I know you have to do what you need to do to heal. Just know that I understand and pray you are able to take care of yourself and still see your grandchildren. Terry
Oh Sandi. I can imagine how difficult it must be for you to make that decision, but I do think you are doing the right thing for now. As Terry said, it takes two to make a friendship. I pray that one day your DIL will realize that she is depriving her children of a loving, caring grandmother. I am happy that you are going to give yourself some time - time to grieve and time to get healthy.
And any time you need to vent, I am here to listen.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
You are doing what is best for you and that takes courage. You know your heart... Wishing you peace in this very difficult decision that you have had to make. Understanding hugs, Joanie
SAndi....you must make the moves that are best for you, and perhaps for all. Maybe she is carrying a lot of guilt over the way she treated Ken....and maybe you simply remind her of him and bring on waves of grief or something like that....I don\'t pretend to know the entire story, but I do admire you for doing what you feel in your heart is best. Ball is in her court now, and she may surprise you, or not. Either way, you are strong and you will be okay!
Love,
Becky
I am thinking about you. I know you are really hurting. Please try to take care of yourself. Also wishing you some peace/
Nell
I know this decision has not come easily for you, but I commend you for realizing what you need and for allowing your needs to take a place of priority for once. As you said, you\'ve done all you can do, left the door open...it is for her to decide if she enters or not. I hope for the best for all of you. Much love, Teri.
Feel my arms around you, I know this is hard. We are here for you
Hugs Penny
It\'s much harder to be pro-active and follow through on a decision than to just let things you don\'t like continue. This must be so difficult for you. I am sure your grandchildren will want you back in their lives after all you have done for them. I am glad you are going to put your feelings first and take care of you ~ Joanna
This is a sad thing to deal with for you. It may be that she just cannot do any better but I know that must not help you. Her grief is not about you, and it\'s sounds good that you are now going to take care of your self--you have to, no one else will....................love, Margery Ann
I agree with all the other moms here, one can only reach out for so long without reciprocation. Why are some people so heartless? We will never know, and we can never change them or their behavior.
The only thing we can change is ourselves. One sided hurtful relationships are a terrible drain...the last thing you need.
I hope she will realize what she has lost once it is gone...sorry the children are innocent bystanders to her dysfunction. Best of luck.
Hugs, Rebecca
You are very right in doing what you are doing. I have had to make such a decision concerning my granddaughter...I let her contact me but I don\'t worry anymore like I used to...maybe it is the way it is supposed to be. I think we can only do so much. It can be very painful but you already know you did all you could...taking care of yourself is important and Ken would want that. Once you make that decision...there is a certain peace that comes over you...I pray peace stays with you and that you continue to heal on this wretched path of painful loss....we CAN be better because God wants it that way....love, dale...brandon\'s mom