Decisions
Being in my sister's home is stressful to me, I knew it would be because it's such a contrast to my life. I can't help thinking, how? I'm the big sister. I blazed the trail. She followed me professionally doing the same degrees I did, she does the same job I do. And of course I am as bright and accomplished as she is, in some ways more so.
She has a beautiful home, a very nice high end car, two beautiful little girls. She travels the world, she lives comfortably. This the life that I expected myself to be living. I love my sister and am not the least bit jealous, I would double her blessings if I could because she has worked hard and earned every single one. I thank God for blessing her so generously.
But I can't help wondering how did I end up here? For 12 years she has lived in a beautiful home , I have lived in a construction zone. While she has been traveling the world I have been going in circles, just hanging on by my fingernails. Ironically, the adoption of her girls was finalized last week. So while she is gaining her children, I am losing mine.
How?
I'm bemused. I keep looking back at my life and trying to figure out where I went wrong and I can't figure it out.
15 years ago I was a junior executive in one of the fastest growing companies in the US. I chose to return home because as a Fulbright scholar I was bonded. I could have gotten around it and my company offered to sponsor my visa, but I did not want to ruin the opportunities of other scholars from my country, so I honored the terms of my scholarship. It's not easy getting residency in the US, yet it was handed to me on a platter and I walked away. Making the wrong decision, but for the right reason.
10 years ago I was granted Canadian residency but my son was very young and I had no friends or family in Canada. It would have been a difficult transition with a small child in tow. I prayed about my decision for months, I asked for signs I got the signs I had asked for so I stayed home. It is ironic that I was a Canadian resident for the first 3 years of my journey with CFS. I could have taken advantage of the healthcare benefits that my residency afforded but at that time I did not know what I was dealing with, I did not know that I was living with a debilitating, lifelong illness. Had I known I would have taken different decisions, I would be in a much different place now.
And it ticks me off to see that my son's father, who abdicated his responsibilities, went to Canada after I chose to stay home with his child and is now director of finance in a large Canadian company. Like myself he was young and bright and filled with potential. He did not choose to do the right thing for his child, but he has thrived (and still does not pay 1 cent of child support). Lord knows I don't think that is fair.
I think I'm still in a state of shock really. To go from having so much potential that the US government would fund my education and offer me the ability to live in their country. To have the ability to work anywhere in the world, easily pushing past the hurdles that stop so many. And then to turn around one day and realize I can't find a job, not in my country or any other. How?
I've never done drugs, I don't drink, I don't gamble, I have no vices. I've always tried to do the right thing, to make good decisions. I've always taken responsibility for my life. I have worked and paid my own bills since I was 17 years old. I've never looked for handouts from anyone. And now I find myself unable to pay my mortgage or buy food, and my child cannot return home because I cannot care for him.
How can I accept where I am now?
It's not my nature to wallow in self-pity. I'm just trying to figure it all out. My rational side is desperately trying to find a recognizable pattern in all this, because if I can figure out where I am and why I'm here, then I can figure out where I'm going.
My spiritual side tells me to stop trying to make sense of a situation that is not supposed to make sense. That it's not about me. That this is outside of my control. But that is so hard to accept.
The circumstances of my life created a fiercely independent, self-sufficient person. I have been blessed with success in whatever I put my hand to. Now God is asking me to accept that I cannot take care of myself or my child?!? How do I accept that?
She has a beautiful home, a very nice high end car, two beautiful little girls. She travels the world, she lives comfortably. This the life that I expected myself to be living. I love my sister and am not the least bit jealous, I would double her blessings if I could because she has worked hard and earned every single one. I thank God for blessing her so generously.
But I can't help wondering how did I end up here? For 12 years she has lived in a beautiful home , I have lived in a construction zone. While she has been traveling the world I have been going in circles, just hanging on by my fingernails. Ironically, the adoption of her girls was finalized last week. So while she is gaining her children, I am losing mine.
How?
I'm bemused. I keep looking back at my life and trying to figure out where I went wrong and I can't figure it out.
15 years ago I was a junior executive in one of the fastest growing companies in the US. I chose to return home because as a Fulbright scholar I was bonded. I could have gotten around it and my company offered to sponsor my visa, but I did not want to ruin the opportunities of other scholars from my country, so I honored the terms of my scholarship. It's not easy getting residency in the US, yet it was handed to me on a platter and I walked away. Making the wrong decision, but for the right reason.
10 years ago I was granted Canadian residency but my son was very young and I had no friends or family in Canada. It would have been a difficult transition with a small child in tow. I prayed about my decision for months, I asked for signs I got the signs I had asked for so I stayed home. It is ironic that I was a Canadian resident for the first 3 years of my journey with CFS. I could have taken advantage of the healthcare benefits that my residency afforded but at that time I did not know what I was dealing with, I did not know that I was living with a debilitating, lifelong illness. Had I known I would have taken different decisions, I would be in a much different place now.
And it ticks me off to see that my son's father, who abdicated his responsibilities, went to Canada after I chose to stay home with his child and is now director of finance in a large Canadian company. Like myself he was young and bright and filled with potential. He did not choose to do the right thing for his child, but he has thrived (and still does not pay 1 cent of child support). Lord knows I don't think that is fair.
I think I'm still in a state of shock really. To go from having so much potential that the US government would fund my education and offer me the ability to live in their country. To have the ability to work anywhere in the world, easily pushing past the hurdles that stop so many. And then to turn around one day and realize I can't find a job, not in my country or any other. How?
I've never done drugs, I don't drink, I don't gamble, I have no vices. I've always tried to do the right thing, to make good decisions. I've always taken responsibility for my life. I have worked and paid my own bills since I was 17 years old. I've never looked for handouts from anyone. And now I find myself unable to pay my mortgage or buy food, and my child cannot return home because I cannot care for him.
How can I accept where I am now?
It's not my nature to wallow in self-pity. I'm just trying to figure it all out. My rational side is desperately trying to find a recognizable pattern in all this, because if I can figure out where I am and why I'm here, then I can figure out where I'm going.
My spiritual side tells me to stop trying to make sense of a situation that is not supposed to make sense. That it's not about me. That this is outside of my control. But that is so hard to accept.
The circumstances of my life created a fiercely independent, self-sufficient person. I have been blessed with success in whatever I put my hand to. Now God is asking me to accept that I cannot take care of myself or my child?!? How do I accept that?
Replies
I can\'t tell you the number of times I have felt the way you feel. I have tried to do right, so why am I suffering? You and I know the truth, though. Life is not fair. We don\'t suffer because we have done wrong. We suffer because we live in a complex universe in which everyone suffers. I can\'t even begin to know what you are suffering right now. It isn\'t fair and it isn\'t right. I have spent a lot of time wishing that the world would be fair. But, as a wise person once said, \"Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.\" Hold tight, dear girl. Much love.
I believe that the truth of it all is about spiritual growth.In this material world we are covered over with illusion, believing to be our bodies... the person we see in the mirror, when infact we are all eternal spirit souls.In our illusion we measure success by material gain and our false identity.Every single soul is trying to be happy and enjoy.However every single soul is suffering.Just in different ways and to different degrees.Despite achieving material success or having a strong physical body, still everyone suffers with disease, old age and ultimately death of the physical body.So often a person may think that finally they have it all together and then everything is ripped away from them sooner or later.This world is a difficult one and no one really wins materially.Of course I understand only too well that while we are in these temporary bodies, material security certainly eases some of our struggle.However we are not in control.We have limited control.God is in control. I believe that this life is meant for spiritual awakening, self realization, and redeveloping our lost realtionship with the Supreme
Hi Max! So glad you journaled! Ya know? I could have written this journal myself, or pretty close to it. I see all around me, success, loving couples, dads and daughters, healthy adults, business moguls.......I chose medicine. I am a registered EEG technologist/Registered Medical Assistant, and Neuroscience professional in the Operating room, and here I am. In bed. WHAT THE HECK!
I raised a child by myself. No daddy ( he wouldn\'t have anything to do with financial dealings of a child. He was a rock and roller and on the road with his band. His seven year relationship with me meant nothing, when the pregnancy came. I wanted it, he didn\'t. I left him in Florida and moved back to Jersey!)
I worked two jobs, suffered through unemployment, welfare and food stamps before finding the job. And it was THE JOB! I worked for 23 years in my profession. I just adored what I do. Learning how to not define myself by my talents has been one of the hardest lessons I\'ve had to learn since having CFS. I\'m still me. I\'m still smart! I\'m getting by financially. I am disabled. I cannot work. I have lost friends. I can\'t go to church. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Heard this a million times? I have. Everybody here has a similar story. THIS is why this group is so important. We are all such SMART people! And most of us are women! HEY FELLAS, YA HEAR THAT???? Isn\'t it amazing that this illness takes us down to the gutter, when we were the stars in our days? Yet, it does.
Fortunately, I\'m a believer! I believe that Jesus has allowed me to suffer. I accept this unconditionally because he died for me. Suffering is something I must do to be more like Him. I believe this to my very core. I am not angry with God that my life has been stripped away, I am not angry with God that my husband died last year. I will get by. He has promised to never leave me or forsake me. He has never failed me, yet!
So, in answer to your question ( a very good one) I can say, without a doubt, that I ended up this way, in this condition, with this illness, because it was God\'s will for my life. And for that reason, and because He has never failed me, I believe. And I will hang on.
And you will hang on. And you will be ok! xo
Oops pressed the comment button. With the Supreme Lord. So by struggling materially and losing everything and suffering, without really understanding why...may be a blessing because it forces us to grow spiritually.Of course it\'s a rough ride my friend , and I am being tossed around also. As painful as it all can be...consider that it is our karma but that karma may be our saving grace in the bigger picture.As you know Max, I have been sick for 34 years , lost my gorgeous home, my money, credit cards etc etc.Right now I am typing on my back and crashed .I look at my life like you do and wonder how this happened. I was the person in my birth family who financially supported my parents for a long time.I was the sister who always helped my siblings when they were in financial or emotional difficulty.I bought shoes for my young nephew when he had none for school and now he is a famous footballer and worth millions. I helped his father so many times and allowed him to live with me for free when his marriage was struggling. The same brother who never comes to see me and is now living in a beautiful mortgage free house given to him by my nephew, the football player.Just see now how materialistic I am thinking now lol! Anyway all my brothers and sisters who needed my help during their lives are now all nicely situated, materially.Here I am in a very insecure situation.
So ..like you, I ask how did this happen? I believe by God\'s grace.I am being helped to grow spiritually.To develop some spiritual qualities amongst the hardship and to have faith that everything is happening for a reason..a higher one. I\'m trying my best to see it that way and to learn acceptance of my individual karma in this life. My comment has been interrupted and lost all line of thought due to a phone call from my sister .Will return later.Love Di xo
OK back again. I believe as we have free will, we chose to come here to this world .It\'s like being tempted to put our finger in the flame and then when we do, we get burnt.We come to realize that this is not our natural eternal abode .we are permanent souls living in a temporary situation.While there is happiness to be found here there is also suffering.For everyone.
So we do need to maintain our material requirements naturally while we are here but need to keep the bigger picture in sight.Not easy hey Max. I am crashed here in bed with a pile of bills on my dresser and waiting for the phone call that tells me my darling brother has departed. So I pray to God to give me the strength to get through. I understand your struggle Max and how disappointed you feel with all your losses.However please don\'t think that all is lost.You are still here . You do still have a son.Maybe he is emotional and angry at present but time and maturity will change that. You can\'t see your future and right now it may not look bright, but it may be brighter than you ever imagined.
You are an intelligent woman and you will find a way to get through this tidal wave.If you have to let go of your material possessions, then do that.You are much more than any of those things.So much more. Some of the realizations you have shared have been incredible.You have developed valuable gifts during your struggle . If I\'m a bit splayed out here forgive me.I only had 3 hrs sleep.
So hang in there my Jamaican sister.We need you . Don\'t let attachments destroy you.Find a way to survive. Learn to let go and adjust to change if you have to.Ask for help anywhere possible . There\'s no shame.Just survive.All my love to you.Diane xoxoxo
Just wanted to add that you have achieved so many things in your life.You did experience success on many levels.You do have many admirable qualifications.Maybe you can\'t use them right now and things have come to a stand still and life is dragging you in an unexpected and undesirable direction.However the winds of life can turn again just as quickly . Don\'t despair. Going going signing off lonely here today. Love me xo