dealing with the hurt

In the past I have tended to exist in a separate place in my head to deal

with life as it happens and the rollercoaster of processing feelings and input from the outside

world as well as from within myself. Tonight I just kind of opened myself to love and feelings

with unashamed honesty.

I do also have a paranoid side that is believed as truth a lot of the time in my cavernous melon head.

A major hurdle and challenge

for me. I get that way sometimes and I seriously have to somehow manage it with my support group

of family and friends, here, and my doctor.

I realize we all have our vulnerabilities in life. Some more extreme than others but

it seems like we each have a spectrum of strengths and vulnerabilties.

I thought about a friend who definitely has an inability to deal with the love

others may feel for him and I realized that's maybe something that can't change. He's

very young and so caught up in aesthetics and not yet dealing with his emotional life.

Perhaps he will evolve and change as he grows older. But right now, though I am in a position

of responsibility for him (he is also my godson) , I know I can only serve up thoughts, conversations and articles, pictures and wisdoms

for him to look at on his phone. I know he is to be alotted human dignity and perhaps me seeking

mutual understanding with him may only yield the dissapointment of knocking on a door that nobody answers.

I then thought about my Dad, who is so strong, smart and emotional, an amazing combination. I really marvel at his talents and intelligence

though sometimes I fear a verbal jab from him here and there and I guess, though totally minor, I guess

it makes me think about his strengths and vulnerabilities alongside my own. He's a super man - and an Alpha Dog.

I admire him and love him so much and am in awe. He deals with his vulnerabilities with great strength

and smarts. Sometimes I am indeed a victim of my vulnerabilities but it's the human condition. :)

I just know when I talk to him - like I did today - I ought to consider we are both in that position and 

not worry about being separately safe, as we talk, but considerate of the feelings of both of us that we have and potentially have. We are both

human and we have sides to us...In other words

I need to be prepared for and able to deal with the hurt that may come down the pike...from any conversation not just with him

but, with anyone. The hurt dealt with doesn't have to be a sum total condition, if that makes sense.

I need to deal with it - but to know the conversations are layered on both ends of the phone.

I'm happy to say I'm a loving person...and I get derailed a good amount during the days, that you guys can

read on this personal journal where I place all my internal battles for making sense of the world. My therapist has

a great sense of my pattern. I wish I could remember it, how she characterized me, and share it with you guys here. I must repeat the same pattern

over and over. She's so brilliant she sees it in kind of a ordered way! Just amazing! I'm starting to see her vulnerabilities

now that she must have too. She's so smart and has a lot to say but has to submit that to the patient. It's just

incredible how much she must have to sublimate but she even so does great work.

I know darksides apear in all of us at times.

Thankful and grateful for seeing the dark a lot less than the light, within myself and with my friends and family.

Have a good night you guys. So grateful for DS and the friends we all are here. Peace