Day 16

  Today was a little differant. The chef had the day off because of the extra time he's put in this week doing the Christmas dinner, so I got to do his job along with my own. That was a nice change. I got to do all the cooking, and a chance to show some of my capabilties. It was pretty easy and everything went well. I found at times I would get these urges to go back into the ways I used to work. Kinda like panicking or hitting a fast foreward mode. I kept things in perspective tho, and just took my time and ignored the urges to go into perfection mode. I used to do that all the time in the past. Really stressed myself out doing that. It was kind of interesting tho thinking about how I used to do things. Little things used to get me pissed off, and I would get on other people to get things done right. I didn't do that today. I just did the work as best as I can, and it went well. I was surprised at the other workers in the kitchen. They suported me well. They would ask if I needed anything done, and I would get them doing things. That's totally differant to me. In the past I worked with so many people that you just seemed like you had to fight to get them to do anything. Somewhere over the years I just got to a point that I chose to do everything myself, rather than agravate myself with stupidness. Made work really tough most of the time, and it made me a tough kind of person with work. It was like if there was a square hole and I had a round peice to get in that hole, I would do everything in my power to make it fit, and I would do it. It was such a hard way to live and work, but I thought that was the only way to get things done. At this job, I really am having a good oportunity to work, and change a lot of what used to make my life miserable. It's really interesting. There's so much that I have oportunities to grow and learn. I'm learning to cooperate, take orders and direction. I'm learning to respect others, and accept respect in turn. So much that I can't list them all. This really is a whole new life that God is offering me. Others there have no idea about what's really going on with me. Sometimes when I see myself getting through something that used to be so difficult, I feel so good and want to holler about the little acomplishments that I see, but they would think I'm nuts. They have no idea. It's like it's between God and I. Really neat in many ways. Just goes to show that changes can happen for anyone, as long as your willing, and I am willing. After service started the manager came to me saying that a customer was saying the soup was differant. Right away I felt my defences kicking in, and I did start to defend myself, but I caught it and just shut my mouth and listened. That can be a hard thing for me. All I had to do was listen, and take in what the customer had said. I am a sensitive person, as with most alcoholics, and the least bit of critisism can be so hard to take, but I have to do it. After all, they are the ones that pay us, and I have to listen no matter what I think personally. I can be profesional in my dealings with them, and I am. I know I can't let emotions get the best of me there. If I did that, it really would be a disaster. I can't do that stuff anymore, and I don't want to. I thought about how I used to handle things like this. I can see that a lot of it was very imature on my part. I supose that this is a problem with most addicts and alcoholics. When we start to get sober, one of the first things that hits us is we start noticing our imature emotions. It can be hard too. We stop drinking and things get better, but then we realize that we still have these little kid emotions that want to stamp and stomp our feet trying to deal with things. It's kind of funny in some ways, when we become aware of it. Some of the ways I dealt with things in the past embaress me even thinking about them. Most of the time I didn't care because I thought I was normal and didn't have a problem. Ha, boy was I wrong, but you couldn't tell me that then. I am really happy tho that I have an oportunity to change. I've accepted that now, and that really is a releif. To not be that crazy person, that felt that he had to prove everything to everyone, no matter what. I am accepting that the fight is over. It's so much easier this way. At times I find the simplicity of being sober hard. I was so used to fighting my way through life. It just feels awkward at times trying to do things in a proper manor. Where's the chaos? Seems so weird at times just going about the day, trying to do whats right. Seems like there's always this other side, that at any moment, it's ready to go wild. I'll be doing things, but my mind can have all these crazy thoughts at the same time, that I know would be wrong to act on. It can be really comical at times. I'll be doing things around others, but have these other things going through my mind at the same time. I'm so glad that others don't have any way of knowing what's going on in my head most of the time. I've noticed that even on this site, I can be reading something that seems so inocent, but then there might be a word or two that can get my mind reading all kinds of things into it that have nothing at all to do with the original intent. I can get jealouse over something so silly, or start reading into things that are not even there. I'm sure I'm not the only one that experiences this, and I'm sure that it does get better over time. I mentioned to a freind about this, actually I talked to a few people about it. My conclusion is that it is emotions, feelings and thoughts that have just not matured. I am a 48 year young man, but these things have not grown in me because of avoiding them, and so much of life, with booze and drugs. I know it takes time to develope these, and I need to experience going through them in order to grow. So I think that being able to have a sense of humour about it, is about the best way to go. Can't really do it any other way. Used to try by drinking, but we all know where that got us. I am really happy today. Having this oportunity, and the blessing of being able to get out of where I was a couple of weeks ago, is truly that. A blessing.  I feel I have also come to terms about Tim. I think he has the same problems too. Little boy thought, feelings, and emotions living in a grown man's body, and not being able to deal with them properly. At least I have some people that understand this. Dillon, Alex at John Howard, and some people in recovery. God has blessed me a lot with this. I know I can't do this on my own. Thank you so much, Lord. Sometimes I don't even know the emensity of all you do. Thank you for allowing me these little glimpses that show you care, and love me this much. Thank you so much.