Day one part 3

I want to spend all day and night journaling.  I have so much shit to get out of me.  I feel so excited when I think of being sober.  It will be SO great to have my appetite be normal and to be able to sleep at night without it and to be able to have a life without it.  Life will start to feel real again.  Not like a dress rehearsal but real.  I can't wait.  I know this is what's meant to be.  I know I'm not meant to numb myself from life.  I'm not going to tell anyone about me quitting.  I'm just going to journal about it.  I do need to talk about it- just not to people.  I might actually hit up some meetings.  Although- probably not.  The ACOA meeting might be enough for now. 
I'm scared and excited the same time.  Excited bc I know life was meant to be so much better than it is right now.  Scared b/c I don't know if I can do this tonight.  There's a part of me that says- just quit tomorrow.  It can be great- tomorrow.  Its as if smoking gets me to this magical plane where everything is simple and doable.  But it doesn't.  Not at all.  That's just the picture I have of it in my mind.  It makes me tired and hungry and lazy and feeling dependent and sometimes physically ill from the tobacco b/c I smoke it in cigars.  I don't really binge anymore but when I smoke that's all I want to do.  Like I don't want to binge but there's a part of me that wants to want to binge.  Odd.  Quite odd.  That happens when I smoke. 
I'm making a promise to myself right now.  I am going to be sober.  I am going to try my best.  And no matter what- I'm not going to beat myself up anymore.  I'm going to be my own best friend.  That's my promise to me.