Day of rest...?
Had a decent week....most days started out as usual (digestive issues, body aches, headache, fatigue) but I was able to kick it off and get myself into Normalcy. I overextended myself yesterday...got a lot of stuff done, missed my nap, went with the family to the Orientation BBQ at the new school my daughter will be attending next year, then stayed up late catering to my husband's needs, which I haven't done in a very, very long time.
So today I'm exhausted....and fighting the depression that the late night with my husband brought on. I'd been taking testosterone for one month in an attempt to regain my libido back...which I kind of did, but all the old problems came back.. whenever I'd be arousable, he was not available, and when he was available, I was not arousable, usually because of being in the grips of menopause, or just being tired and/or stressed out with daily life. At the risk of imparting TMI, the only thing that we weren't all that compatible in our marriage, was and is our sex life. (A good time is not impossible; it just takes a lot of time and work on both of our parts, and also requires both of us well-rested and in good moods....conditions that became more rare as our child was born and grew up, and then, with menopause, impossible). Anyway, while the hormones did help a little, it wasn't significant enough, and I guess the disappointment with the result was bigger than I expected.
So today, I'm resting...and fighting depression. The fact that the weather's turned wintery- chilly, and very, very gray- has put my mood and energy on that same level, and is not helping. I'm feeling like I could use a cry, but it's Saturday and my daughter's home, and I'd like to not do that with her here, if I can help it.
Physically, I've got very uncomfortable digestive stuff going on, fatigue, and just about every part of my body is sore, sore, sore. Emotionally, I'm trying to stay balanced, and it's not easy. The depression may just have been sparked by the issues in my husband's and my sex life...I could just be menopausal and that sex problem is what my mind is choosing to blame my low emotions on. As with usual with menopause, the very low emotions combined with continuous body aches and fatigue....it's just very, very hard to stay in good spirits. I'm trying very hard to just Accept that this is how the day is going to be (although it could get better), but the misery is really, really hard to Accept.
....because I don't want it. I don't want to be miserable....even for an hour, much less a day. If I'm sad, but I am physically ok, and the sun is out, it'd be ok. If I was achy and gassy, but not sad, I could manage. If I was not sad or achy or gassy, and the day was wintery, I could deal with it.
....but all of this at the same time....it's just too much. I don't want to Accept it; I want it to end. The hours drag on, and I have just barely enough resources to keep from falling over the cliff, if that. So I hereby will Allow myself to do Nothing else today. We'll have something from the freezer tonight for dinner, and I'm going to be Good To Myself by relaxing.
I could sure use a good cry. Maybe I can go into J's den and get it out of the way.
Hugs to everyone.
(Later) Had that little cry, but I still feel like shit. I haven't been able to talk myself out of feeling so bad. Everything hurts; aspirin's not helping.
Am just hoping it doesn't get worse...the pain, the sadness, the fatigue are bad enough without panic attacks.
So today I'm exhausted....and fighting the depression that the late night with my husband brought on. I'd been taking testosterone for one month in an attempt to regain my libido back...which I kind of did, but all the old problems came back.. whenever I'd be arousable, he was not available, and when he was available, I was not arousable, usually because of being in the grips of menopause, or just being tired and/or stressed out with daily life. At the risk of imparting TMI, the only thing that we weren't all that compatible in our marriage, was and is our sex life. (A good time is not impossible; it just takes a lot of time and work on both of our parts, and also requires both of us well-rested and in good moods....conditions that became more rare as our child was born and grew up, and then, with menopause, impossible). Anyway, while the hormones did help a little, it wasn't significant enough, and I guess the disappointment with the result was bigger than I expected.
So today, I'm resting...and fighting depression. The fact that the weather's turned wintery- chilly, and very, very gray- has put my mood and energy on that same level, and is not helping. I'm feeling like I could use a cry, but it's Saturday and my daughter's home, and I'd like to not do that with her here, if I can help it.
Physically, I've got very uncomfortable digestive stuff going on, fatigue, and just about every part of my body is sore, sore, sore. Emotionally, I'm trying to stay balanced, and it's not easy. The depression may just have been sparked by the issues in my husband's and my sex life...I could just be menopausal and that sex problem is what my mind is choosing to blame my low emotions on. As with usual with menopause, the very low emotions combined with continuous body aches and fatigue....it's just very, very hard to stay in good spirits. I'm trying very hard to just Accept that this is how the day is going to be (although it could get better), but the misery is really, really hard to Accept.
....because I don't want it. I don't want to be miserable....even for an hour, much less a day. If I'm sad, but I am physically ok, and the sun is out, it'd be ok. If I was achy and gassy, but not sad, I could manage. If I was not sad or achy or gassy, and the day was wintery, I could deal with it.
....but all of this at the same time....it's just too much. I don't want to Accept it; I want it to end. The hours drag on, and I have just barely enough resources to keep from falling over the cliff, if that. So I hereby will Allow myself to do Nothing else today. We'll have something from the freezer tonight for dinner, and I'm going to be Good To Myself by relaxing.
I could sure use a good cry. Maybe I can go into J's den and get it out of the way.
Hugs to everyone.
(Later) Had that little cry, but I still feel like shit. I haven't been able to talk myself out of feeling so bad. Everything hurts; aspirin's not helping.
Am just hoping it doesn't get worse...the pain, the sadness, the fatigue are bad enough without panic attacks.
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