Day After... Still Unsafe
Yesterday, I was having a crisis. I told my TDoc about a burden that I that has caused me a lot of pain and grief. That opened the flood gates with her and my PDoc yesterday. I talked about it and took up too much of his time. He had others waiting others that probably need him more, and I just don't know as they seem happy in the waiting room. I was not. Spoke to the PDoc and again the whole situation comes flooding back. I am reliving everything. I was unsafe yesterday. I wish the TDoc called the police or made me go in. I was profoundly suicidal. I want to go away to someplace to fix me. But I can't get away. The PDoc wants to ECT my butt, but again I can't get away. Almost drove to the ER last night. The pills or the gun seemed like a good idea in the night. The night is what I fear, time to think when you are alone. Time alone is terrible. Tonight will be tough.
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What do you mean you can't "get away"?
Get-Away from my life is what I mean. I need to have a purpose in life and, I equate that with working. Doing something that a stranger will pay for. After my event happened, I was put into a job that had no purpose. It was like one of those reading rooms -you sit there and do nothing all day long. I felt ashamed to take my pay during that year. I produced nothing. The gov't wasted its money on a worthless officer. Now, after I got out, my job was handed to me on a silver platter: good money but more than that it was a purpose. I see the check come in, but it feels like nothing but having to get up and so something that is fulfilling. The job is positive. I can go to the ER tonight, and I probably won't get out for a couple of weeks. The job will have moved. I will be well for some time, but the job is helping me all the time.
One thing really neat is that I got an award on Thursday. Very substantial. Was very surprised.
Thor, I hear that tonight will be rough. There are suicide hotlines, as with all things, some are better than others. If the job is positive for you, seems like a good idea to hold onto it. Let the huge release settle in. Other clients waiting, not a problem. Most know that sometimes a person has a breakthrough, and that if it is them, they will get the time they need. You will find your purpose. It requires patience to find it, and looking at what you have found rewarding about past jobs and during free time. The right job is the one where the paycheck becomes the bonus for doing what you like. Hugs.