Day 11

  Today I feel really good. I got a web cam now, and I'm so excited about it. I'ts not all that great, but it's a start. I got it really cheap at the bargan store. Only twenty bucks, but it's good so far. Later I might get a better one, but I'm happy with it. Last night I got a bit worried because the old guy I used to get my pills from called. He wanted to tell me that he has more, but I told him I wasn't interested. I can't help but like the guy still. He's just a messed up guy that has troubles just like me. He has cancer, and in the past while he's been getting into crack with his wife. He is a good guy in some ways, but he's an addict, and I try not to judge him because of it. I really just don't want to use anymore. When he called, it did get me worried. At first I thought alright, I might just get a couple, but after I called Dillon. That was something differant. I knew that that was the time I should phone. I've never done that before, but I do want to change, so I did it anyway. We just talked about how I was when I was messed up a couple of weeks ago, and what it did to me, and how I was. I looked back at all I went through with the withdrawel. I also thought that if I were to use, I probably would just think, "What the hell, I sqrewed up, might as well drink." I wouldn't want to tell Dillon, so I would end up lieing again, and I just wouldn't like myself. Thinking through everything does help. The first thoughts always seem tempting, but thinking everything through, I just know that there's nothing good about it. I might get a little escape from myself, or whatever, but it doesn't change anything. Change is what I want, and you can't change by using. So, all in all, it was a good experience. I didn't have to talk bad to the guy, and was able to just say that I didn't want them anymore, and I really don't. The price is far to high. I like what's been happening with me in the past 11 days. The job is going good, I get to work out and have the hot tub, I've been able to pay bills, I've been eating very good, got some neat clothes, a web cam. None of that would be possible if I go back, and I remember all those awful emotions. Having to steal and just being a bad person. I don't like that. I love when I can be free to do good. Living clean has been a real blessing. Being a slave to those pills wasn't good at all. I'm not going there today. I'm too happy with what's going on with me now. Thank you so much, Lord. Thank you. Anyway, I phoned Mary last night to see if she wanted to go to the New Years dinner and dance. She may have to work because she works at a bar. I'm hoping she can. She's a pretty cool person that I really like. She doesn't do drugs or drink, and she's fun. I love dancing, but haven't been able to get out in awhile. Even if she can't go, I'll still buy myself a ticket. I went last year to the dance. I didn't have the dinner, but it's really worth going to. You get a fantastic meal, and the dance for twenty five bucks. It's A.A. so there won't be people getting drunk, and thats good. I had a great time last year. I used to go to all kinds of conventions, camp outs, and roundups that were run by A.A. There's always a good speaker. I love these things. I haven't gone to much in the past while, mostly because I don't have a licence anymore. That is something I'm going to work on. I miss those drives I used to take in the country. Anyway, I feel great today. I'm so happy for my freind Jenn too. Her mother seems to be doing better. They took her off the ventilator and she's doing alright. Jenn talked to her a couple of hours yesterday. I am so happy for her. She's really been through so much lately, but still she's been there for me. I call her my little angle, and she is. Even when her world seems to be falling apart, she's always there with good words for me. A real good person. I hope someday we can meet and see each other. That would really be cool. Didn't go to the gym today. Just kind of taking it easy. I wanted to go to church, but didn't get around to it. I think tonight I'll go to the C.A. meeting. I'll try it, but I really much more prefere A.A. It's just my preferance. Sundays C.A. meeting seems alright most of the time. Some people that I really like go there. That guy I thought was an asshole the other night at C.A. I seen him at a couple of meetings. He actually seems like a very nice person. I guess it just seemed like a really stupid comment he made the other night, especially for someone just comming in. Oh well, sometimes things are just like that. There's good meetings, and sometimes they just might suck, but I do like them, and I am grateful that they are there. Thank you Lord for another day clean.