Day 6: December 15, 2017

Today was a payday! I worked 40 hours of OT on this paycheck so we had a nice surplus. I could remember a time where I would take everything I had left after bills and go straight to the casino and try to double or triple it. Most of the times I would lose, but every once in a while I would win, with that win came me compulsively going to the casino twice a day or every morning before class or before work.

As I am going through my recovery, I look back and just can't believe how deep I truly was in this gambling addiction. I skipped classes, skipped parties, spent my time alone. The root of this gambling addiction comes from two sources. The main was me having my beautiful daughter in highschool. I was not ready, her mom was seeing multiple guys at the same time so it was not a loving relationship, and it changed me completely. The other factor is my mom. I spent so many years trying to re-kindle that bond. I have hurt her so many times with my mood swings, but she suffers from SEVERE anxiety and depression and refuses to seek help. She will take it out on everyone around her. So I would escape to gambling which one makes me feel good when I win and it is something I can do alone and wouldnt have to deal with people and it would create a seperate world for me.

Today was an ok day. I did not have any major urges to gamble although I did consider sportsbetting two seperate times. I did have one mood swing with my wife at night over money. I CANNOT wait until I can pay off all this debt so we do not have anymore fights!!

I am going to try to keep this no gambling momentum going. The alternative at this point would be a heavy heavy loss!